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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I got married a few years back when I was 21. I didnt really

Customer Question

I got married a few years back when I was 21. I didn't really love her, she really wanted to get married, and I cared enough for her to want to make her happy. Her parents also pushed for the marriage. When we announced our engagement, I got to meet her family. The second I met her sister, something happens inside me. In a way, it felt like part of me sunk and started to die, and in a way like I'd found what I'd been looking for all my life. On so many levels were me and her sister compatible, in many ways that you could almost ONLY look to be a sign of "soul mates." She was only 16 at the time. My marriage only lasted 6 months, and I had to end it. It was absolute torture for me to be around her sister, feeling like she was the one I was really meant to be with, and that maybe I had settled for the vessel that was meant to lead me to her! In every single way her sister wasn't right for me, she was, and more! We had a peaceful divorce, and she even admitted to me that she pressured me into the marriage in the first place (but I wouldn't safely say that can be taken into account with my issue)... Months later, when she was still looking for thread of hope for us to get back together, I knew I had to say something to her to make her NOT WANT to be with me, as opposed to flat out "I don't love you, never did," and crushing her.... I confessed to my ex that one big reason we couldn't be together was because I couldn't "help but be attracted to her sister." She said, "I can't blame you, she's really pretty," but I don't think she really understood that what I meant by "attracted to" was much deeper than physical aspects only. Modern bluegrass music is one major love of my life and so is fishing and hunting. I've met one girl in all my lifetime who shares those very unique passions; the sister. After I confessed feeling to my ex for her sister, time went by, and I heard she had a boyfriend. I texted and asked her how she was, and long story short, she said she was good and had moved on, and hopes I have too. The sister is now 19, and I can't help but still feel in my heart she's my soul mate, and that if I don't do SOMETHING, she'll be snatched up soon! There were times when me and my ex were married I thought the sister hinted at feeling for me like that, but I could never be sure if it was real, or if I was imagining it because I wanted it so bad. I feel like if I make a move, I could end up regretting it majorly, but also if I don't make a move, I could get the same result! I've thought about emailing the sister directly and begging her not to let her family know, and just confessing my love for her, but I have two reserves with that: 1. Her mom used to have access to her email (i don't know if she still does or not) and 2. If she did never have feelings for me, she could tell my ex and her parents and start WW3. I also thought about going through my ex and confessing my love for her sis (since we're still on good terms and she is settling with new guy) but then that could also backfire on me potentially. I feel so trapped, like I'm THIS close to losing all chance of being with my soul mate. I believe that there's one person for everyone out there, and I believe she's it for me, I just have no clue how to go about approaching this situation. please help!!!! Thanks ahead of time for any advice!
Eric
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

This is a tough situation and I truly do feel for you. I hope I can offer some support and clarity however, I'm sure you're aware that with this situation, only you will be able to decide which route to take and deal with the consequences - as all routes are likely in these circumstances to cause some kind of possible negative reaction.

Firstly, I just wanted to point out that when you had initially,went into the marriage with your ex-wife, you didn't love her; this may have therefore placed or even misplaced huge attention elsewhere and possibly transferred a lot of your suppressed love directly onto another 'pretty' girl that was at the time, out of bounds. This is just a psychological perspective that I'm sharing with you. As a counselor, I'm looking at the transference and where this attention perhaps has been misplaced - onto someone you now have huge feelings for (these strong attraction feelings developed almost instantly due to the fact that you were feeling out of control with being engaged to someone you didn't actually love). I'm not saying this is the ONLY reason these feelings may well have developed - due to feeling out of control in your life at the time, but it could have been one important reason at the time.

Moving on to how to deal with this: some might say that you need to find out one way or another if she has feelings for you too and some might say, you should leave it be and move on with your life as all this might do is bring more heartache to your doorstep, would she really go on a date with you knowing that you were her brother in law for a short period of time? I'm laying it all out on the table for you to seriously think about.

If you have her number, you could arrange to meet with her - just for a coffee and to catch up. It might be that you have to start to re- engage her as a 'friend', this way you can gauge whether you take it another step further and talk to her about your feelings. At 19, it's unlikely that her mother will be checking her emails as she's an adult now? However, arranging even to meet for a coffee with her will raise suspicion, so be very careful.

I would not write a letter and I wouldn't, at this stage, disclose any of your feelings -as if she feels even slightly confused about it all, she will run to her mother and mother will shut down all communication with you. I know and empathize with your perspective, but a mother's perspective is to protect first and foremost. If she doesn't understand where you're coming from, she might misinterpret everything and it'll make things worse for you, as you won't get a chance to explore this with her. Another thing to be aware of is that she might really not understand you possibly feeling this way about her and due to loyalty to her big sis, she's likely to tell you to get lost- be aware, as this too would be a normal reaction on her part as it may take a while for it all to sink in.

Your first realistic and careful move is to simply talk to her at this stage and to just try and find a way to arrange a catch up. If you work near where she works, or if you're in the area for a meeting etc.. you could arrange it this way, so that she doesn't feel it is something odd happening. If you do manage to meet, talk only about her and how she's doing and see how she's responding to you. Then, arrange to meet again sometime in the future (you could use the same excuse that you've got a meeting in the neighborhood or something on those lines), and then see how she would feel if you were to tell her that you had feelings for her. This conversation can't be too heavy for example "I really fell in love with you the moment I met you" but more "I think I've been developing feeling for you overtime, I've tried to suppress them and hoped that they would go away, but they haven't. However I'm not here to pressure you, I just wanted to know if you felt even slightly similar/ shared even a little attraction towards me too..."

Eric, I hope this is a good starting point for you and I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin





Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi Eric,

Can I be of any further help you? If so, please do let me know.

--------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before leaving the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi Eric,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would have liked to given you an even higher rating, but the "answer" was basically all the stuff I had already thought of. Thats why I asked it in the first place; because I know all the possibilities, but the actual DECISION is what I cant decide on. Basically, after readjng the answer, I wasn't any wiser, nor any closer to a decision (which is the whole reason I initially asked it) :) Of course the simple answer would be "forget her and move on," but then again, I wouldnt have asked the question if I could do that. Really, I had already decided ive got to do SOMETHING, but what, was my question.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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