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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hey Karen, I am back, just wanted to give you updates and get

Customer Question

Hey Karen, I am back, just wanted to give you updates and get more advice. Since the breakup Steve and I have hung out a lot, just about every weekend. Sometimes we sleep together sometimes we dont.

Last week he texted and said he read my letter and when I didnt respond he got really angry and sent me a bunch of hurtful texts that night, so the next day I ended up biking to Hermosa where he lives, I had never been to his place and didnt know where it even was, but I made contact with him and we hung out and talked and he said he loved the letter and it made him realize he wants to be with me but he feels like he has some growing up to do first blah blah blah...but it was a really great mature talk, Steve never spills his feelings and that was one of the only times hes done that. But yea then on the ride back up to Venice that night in his car he asked me "what should we do about us?" and i was just like "ummm i dont know what do you think we should do?" and he just said "i think we should try to not see or talk to each other for a bit and just have some more space" and then the very next morning he calls and says "can i come over?" and he did the same thing sunday morning. And then tuesday night he was at my place when I got home from work. But his cousin is living with me and Mary still lives here so its not all about me ya know...although I think its part of it . BUt if I wanted to even date someone else right now I wouldnt be able to bc hes always around. But...hes the only one I want.

But Tuesday night we all got drunk and he ended up staying here and then yesterday I biked to Hermosa to hang out with a friend and then called him after and turns out he had come up to MY apt again in Venice, but then he made his way back down to Hermosa and I stayed the night at his place last night....

Last night was the first time since we have started hanging out again that I felt uncomfortable and like it was too much a little bit. We went out to dinner and our conversation was just boring and I could tell we were getting a little anoyed and stale with each other and then on the walk back to his house we stopped at this bar thats like a pub bro bar and some guys steve has met there when he was in the bathrioom were all like "is that your boyfriend?" and thats the first time I haev had to answer that question, and I was just like "he used to be" and it made me sad. And then when he came back from the bathroom they were all like "soo I never really heard of people being "friends" after a break up and just kept going on and on and I started to choke up a little, and steve was so nonchalant about it which made it even worse. Im starting to feel like we need to either be together or not see each other. I dont know. I know he still loves me and cares about me I can see it in his eyes and through his actions as well as the things that he says, but whether he wants to commit right now is a different story. I just dont like being in this llimbo state, I thought I didnt mind it until I was asked out loud about it at the bar.

On friday, it was our mutual friends birthday so I was there he was there all our friends were there. We werent at each others side all night but every so often Steve would come find me and say something like "you look pretty tonight" or just something to check in.. There was a lot of alcohol involved that night. I ended up leaving early and walking home because I felt too drunk I had no idea what Steves plan was because we hadnt talked about him staying over or anything so I just went home and went to sleep. A couple hours later Steve comes into my bedroom and crawls into bed with me. He squeezes me and says "you are the coolest girl in the whole world" Then a couple minutes later he says "I love you" and when I didnt respond he said "did you hear what i said? I love you" Yesterday I told him he said that and he says he doesnt remember. But I know he loves me and cares for me but I feel like I have made a mistake hanging out with him so much and especially sleeping with him when we arent officially together. Things have been fairly smooth otherwise tho, no fighting between us, great conversations, light hearted fun.

I dont feel capable or exerczing self restraint, all the bounderies we have set up for ourselves and each other both of us have broken. I want to be back toegther with him. I dont want to be in this state of limbo only to get hurt again. I just feel like I cant have a conversation with him about getting back together, because it seems to soon, but at the same time we are seeing each other all the time. ANy suggestions or thoughts would be greatly accepted
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome back to Just Answer and for requesting me.

It sounds as though the boundaries are a little blurred and it's really become difficult to know what is what now. You both need to face up to this and decide one way or another what it is that you both want. Until you do this, things won't change beyond what you're both doing now. Please take what I say as just my objective opinion. I don't have anything to gain from giving you bad advice. My job is to provide you with some clarity and give you some options to think about.

You might want to take emotions out of this and try and think about what you might tell a friend if he/she were to be in a similar position. What might you suggest to them? I'm assuming you might tell them to consider carefully what they are getting from this relationship - is it moving forward? Has it become stale? What is it they might need to do about it?

You have very few options ahead of you other than to be very clear about asking him what he really wants and doesn't want. You may want to stop all physical contact as this really is making it so much harder for you both and one of you really needs to be the stronger person here (I do get that this is hard for you both, but what alternative do you have....?).

You deserve to be with someone that is not needing to, but wouldn't mind shouting it from the rooftops, that they're with you and that they love you and vice versa. Does he fulfill this for you? It seems he doesn't really know what he wants either....

You've managed to have a few good deep and meaningful conversations with him, so it seems it would not be totally impossible to have a new heart to heart that allows you to say what it is you want. What do you think?

I hear that you feel you can't exercise self restraint but I'm afraid you will have no choice - you need to either be straight with him and spill how you feel or you need to establish new boundaries and give yourselves space and time to work out what it is you both need from each other. There is no miracle answer as I'm sure you're aware but sometimes you will need to go through some pain and heartache to reach the ultimate goal of understanding and redefining a "new" and "modified" relationship between you both. Best of luck and I hope you can gain some clarity with what I've said here.

I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi G,

Can I be of any further help to you? If so, please do let me know.

Kind regards,

Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

One other thing, any thoughts on how to initiate the conversation, should i let him know ahead of time what its about? and how can I bring stuff up in a safe way that we can both be open and honest and feel safe talking about our feelings? I think we both have a lot of fears about getting back together and having things be the way they were which was terrible? I dont even know what to say to him.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi G,

Of course, we can look at this further. You're both walking around almost in denial of your feelings and your fears are making this situation so much harder to manage as you don't know how the other might respond, so you're both frightened of the unknown.

Ways to approach this situation might be to offer him a chance to think about this too, express that you're both kinda behaving as though you're 'friends with benefits' (I don't particularly like this description, but it vaguely resembles your current circumstances) as you both are still very much physical together and remain connected but you're not really in a relationship? Does this make sense?

Convey to him that it might be a good idea to meet up to discuss your relationship together and what his feelings and thoughts might be around this. I know this is a scary concept but the alternative is that you simply say to him that you really care for him and so you're putting a stop to the physical side of things as the lines are just getting too blurry in terms of where you both are at.

Ask him what he thinks. Ask him through email or on the phone to arrange a one to one meet up somewhere public, such as a coffee shop.

Have some points that you'd like addressed, written out so that you're prepared as much as you can be.
Give him space to talk and ensure he allows you some space to talk too.

His cousin staying with you is again, making things complicated and this would need to be discussed. One of my observations also was that you guys were spending so much time together recently that you kinda then backed off a little and felt like things were going too fast - you could ask him about this too - whether perhaps he feels any of these feelings too.

So to answer your questions - yes, it would be courteous to let him know ahead of time so that he can feel prepared and explain to him, that this is no confrontational meeting, it's to try to understand where this is all going...

How can you bring up stuff in a safe way: you could initiate the meeting by setting out some ground rules - by this I mean, telling him that you both need to give each other space to talk - when one is talking - the other needs to listen and if you or he don't agree with something, to respectfully say "I'm sorry but I don't see it that way. This is how I see things..." And let them explain.

You could both also consider writing out how you would like things to be if you were to get back together again. What would be the one big thing both of you would consider changing. Let it be something you can change a) about yourselves and b) respectfully XXXXX XXXXX the other persons behavior was doing to the other - for example,, how did his xxx behavior leave you feeling - were you hurt/offended etc...

My best to you G and good luck!

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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi G,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you.

Karin

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