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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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ELLIOT: Okay, so I just had to touch base since me and my boyfriend

Resolved Question:

ELLIOT: Okay, so I just had to touch base since me and my boyfriend recently got back to together. I don't know if you remember or not, but I had posted another question about how much space is too much space and reoccurring breakups; in your reply you estimated that I probably wouldn't get what I deserve out of the relationship. I definitely can see your point in your reply, however I just can't help myself when it comes to this man!! :-D

He definitely has his flaws, as does everyone. I'm not trying to make an excuse for him, but it seems like this 'selfish' side of him only tends to come out when he feels stretched thin between me, his family, and all the personal turmoil that is going down in his life, he can't pull away and focus on them because his focus is so wrapped up everywhere else. In fact, he is one of the most selfless people I know, if you can believe it.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned abandonment issues, which is he still working that out. Poor guy has a lot of personal issues he's dealing with, even more so now with his accident.

When we first got back together, it was something he actually brought up. I explained to him how concerned I was just because the short amount of time it had been, I didn't want to rush anything. But apparently, giving him his space those two weeks and the few talks we had, something about how I presented myself gave him faith that we could indeed be a team and get through this together.

Because of his accident, he feels like he has been reborn and given another chance at life, and that's where a lot of his new motivation comes from. He wants to start things completely over in his life, and in our relationship, which I am okay with. I understand how important this is.

He's the kind of person that if someone has to lose in order for him to gain, then it isn't worth obtaining. But he now has finally found the courage to do things for himself, and I'm really proud of him for this.

*How do I keep myself from smothering him?* He hasn't said anything yet, in fact, he seems to be enjoying our company. But I don't want to push my luck. I can't help but want to be around him all the time; we lived together 8 months after he returned home from the hospital 5-7 weeks after his accident. I am trying SO hard to not to smother him and to continue to give him space, but I just can't help myself!!

*How do you start over in a relationship?* Our situation isn't like most, so how would be the best way to start our relationship over? That's what I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. Should I still wait for him to text/call? What about hanging out and going on dates? I don't want to drive him crazy or anything, but I do want to keep his interest but not too much so he can pick himself back up.

*How can I be supportive and help without hurting his personal growth?* He's got to get a job, a car (since he totaled his other car in the accident) if there was any way to start over, he's definitely got his work cut out. I want to be supportive in his endeavors, but I also know that sometimes you have to do things on your own.

Sorry my passage is so long, but I really would love your advice and would greatly appreciate any word of wisdom you may have.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

You need to have something to occupy your time: a hobby, another job or a part-time job, volunteer work, a craft, etc. Make having YOUR own space more important for you and don't rely on him to fulfill your needs. He needs his space and he needs his time with you. Try to shift the balance away from having too much time on your hands.

Support him when he asks you. Tell him that if he ever needs a hand that he can call you and you will do your best to help. Lurking around like Johnny-on-the-spot will probably not suit him;.

You are not really starting your relationship over. You are just continuing it on a different track. Stay in touch. Be kind, supportive, available, but don't "hover" over him or make hints about dates. Since he needs his space, let him have it. Let him call on you as needed.

Hopefully this will not only be satisfactory to him, but more importantly, satisfactory to YOU.

I wish you continued success.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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