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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I need help with my boyfriend, see weve been dating almost

Customer Question

I need help with my boyfriend, see we've been dating almost a year and he has major trust issues with Mr to the point where he's going to end it soon .. I didn't cheat but gotcaught in a stupid inexcusable lie that was so pointless to tell. Back in Oct I thought I was off work but wasn't they called and said your suppose to be in at 3.. its 430... I work at an in home care so for to that elderly s house . I left his house at 1:30 and he lives at least 45 mins to an hour so got home around 230 and unbeknownst to me he hadgone through my phone earlier that day he found a text msg from a friend Matt who using a band and sent a massive text saying "nasty delicious tonight, at 7".. now I never responded but I know that's their band name so I thought nothing of it well he didn't know. Alsoi had my number for a really Kong tome too. So needless to say he didn't go to work be followed me instead and he caught up to me when I was on my way to work and I missed his call BC I was late getting settled in at work and then he msg me."I'm on break for another 5 mins" which struck me odd BC he was suppose to start at 6 so I God in the bathroom to return his call so o was kinda whispering I told him I was at work and he asked what time I got there I said 3 and he said oh you made it there on tome? O said yeah a couple mins late and he said funny BC I'm here its 530 and then he said who's Matt I explained and he asked why I lied I said I was embarrassed and didn't want you to think I was irresponsible and he said that's no excuse and hrs not my boss so why would he care.. so we talked and remained together its now June and facing a deployment and he still is mad I tried everything ans he distancing himself I became freaking and now clinging not intentionlly but he says the trust just isn't there BC that lie and I can't lose him I don't know what to do
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

Due to the fact that he has trust issues one tiny little lie would effect him.

Deardebra :

In a relationship he feels that trusting someone is number one and that he needs to be told the truth at all times.

Deardebra :

This is most likely because of something in the past. It could go all the way back to something in his childhood.

Deardebra :

What is happening I feel in this relationship is he loves you so much that he does not want to lose you so he let his emotions get the best of him. When someone cares and has a fear of losing the one they love they start to think things that should not come to mind. They might think their partner is cheating.

Deardebra :

They might think that they are lying too them and that they can not trust them. They spend most of their time trying to catch them in a lie, but what they should be focusing on is just loving the person.

Deardebra :

There intense emotions get in the way.

Deardebra :

Even so much that they can not handle their emotions and back off.

Deardebra :

The reason why is fear that they will get hurt.

Deardebra :

He needs to be reassured that you love and care about him. That you do not want anyone else. That you never felt like this for anyone before.

Customer : I have told him repeatedly and now he's getting ready to deploy and I want to prove thathes the person I want and I want to to be with only him but not sure how to get him to agree to take that gamble it seems hismind has been made and I want to prove the 6 months I want to wait to show but don't know how to approach it
Deardebra :

Right now he is deploying and that is hard. He knows he has to leave you behind and how he is handling it might be that he is pushing you away out of fear.

Deardebra :

He's afraid that in 6 months things might be different. But plenty of long distance relationships work. I am sure he is worried that when he leaves your life will go in a new direction and that you might find someone else. This is alway a fear when someone deploys that they have to leave the one they love behind. But this is your chance to prove you want to be with him and that you will wait.

Deardebra :

You can do many things like write letters, talk on the phone or even make plans to go see him when he can. If he goes to a place where you can not visit then you will have to stay in contact through other ways. Some times there is computer access, but they can always get mail. which is always nice to be able to read a nice letter from someone you love knowing they are thinking of you.

Customer : Yes I know its my last chance to build a foundation for when he gets home he will see Ive been there allalong but its Mitchell him asking to wait I want to wait I just don't know how to get him to agree and believe I will be there his ex cheated on his last deployment 2 yrs ago and my ex deployed. And cheated on me over seas so you have two pplgoing through a deployment and that just brings bad thoughts but since this isn't my first time going through this I know what I want and that's to wait but how do o approach him with his trust issues in an assuring way
Deardebra :

That would be a strong reason why he has trust issues.

Deardebra :

The only way to do this is to prove that you will be their by staying in contact.

Deardebra :

I want you to tell him to let you show him that you are going to do this and be committed too him.

Deardebra :

This is going to take some times to show him, but then he will see you are there for him through it all.

Deardebra :

Tell him you are going to prove it too him.

Customer : Like give him a force fed love thing? I love him more then anything and more then my ex, I'm just scared he just wont do this last stochastic effort BC he had distant himself for a couple months now he says BC is demmanding job which it is and just stress and I think my panicked behavior might of blew my chance for him to say yes to this but now o realized my clingy whining behavior is uncalled for a he needs me to let him breathe and come to me I think I'm a day late and dollar short in realizing I might of blew it
Deardebra :

I do not think you blew it, I think he is pulling away out of fear that he might lose you. I think once he is more settled he will come around to the idea of you both being committed in the relationship.

Deardebra :

He is thinking about work and once he deploys I feel you will hear from him because he will miss you.

Customer : Well his orders might be 9 months and that stresses him out too which I've waited 2 yrs before so 9 months if that's case or 6 is nothing to me to wait I already gave him a pendant a St Christopher and engraved to my hero and lover and friend I will always wait I lo e you and had it blessed and he said he loved it and I never dis hthat with my ex but now its like he just doesn't want me anymore I haven't even seen his family since before Christmas befo knew he was deploying so he's been pushing me away for a while he leaves the 22nd
Deardebra :

The St. Christopher pendant that was such a nice thoughtful gesture. Those are the things that show him that you truly care for him. He is just worried right now. He is very unsure about how long he will be gone. I feel this relationship will work if you both just stand by each other.

Deardebra :

You want to be there for him right now and try to spend time with him, keep communication open. He needs you right now.

Customer : I just don't want to lose him and can't imagine with out him but to get that chance to prove it would mean the world to me. But the communication is hard BC he's so busy with everything and I just don't know how to grasp his attention one time before he leaves to lay it all out before he makes his mind up, half of me feels I don't deserve this chance BC I lied for no reason and hurt the one person I actually am so on love with ..no one does that to snomeone who has done nothing's but been there until lately BC he's distracted and
Deardebra : People do things some times to people they love but they don't mean to hurt them. It is just there emotions take over. Falling in love has so many emotions and reactions. You never meant to do anything wrong. You just didn't know what to do and you didn't want to lose him so in certain situations you just say things out of panic.
Deardebra : But you both have to move on from that and tell him how you really feel about him before he leaves.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I am here if you need anymore help.

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