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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My partner of six years (we have Been living together for 5

Customer Question

My partner of six years (we have Been living together for 5 years in a "committed" relationship) intentionally puts Viagra in his prescription bottle when he travels without me. He says he does not "pleasure himself ever" . This action is making me crazy. I don't know how to address this with him. He will be angry that I "snooped" in his toiletry kit. We have a good sexy life. How can I bring this up to him? Does he do this in case he has an " opportunity" to have sex with someone on his business travels? He has lied to me before on other occasions. What do I do ? It's making me so depressed and angry!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

There are two things going on here. One is that you are concerned your partner is cheating or doing something that will hurt you. Two, you looked in his personal items without his knowledge. Both of these concerns are part of a larger picture- you are finding it hard to trust your partner right now.

You would not have looked at his things if you did not feel there was some reason to do so. If he has lied to you in the past, then that could be enough to make you suspicious of his behavior. Lack of trust in a relationship undermines it and makes it hard to feel you are a couple. Rather, you feel you are on opposite ends trying to protect yourself.

Although your partner might be upset you looked in his personal things, it is probably better that you be honest with him. Otherwise, this will never get cleared up between you and the mistrust will remain, undermining your relationship. Tell him that you need to speak to him about something then as gently as you can, tell him what happened. But also mention that you feel there is mistrust between you and tell him why. Depending on how he reacts, you can go from there.

If you feel it is worth working on the relationship, consider counseling. It would be helpful to even have a few sessions just to get you both on the same page with each other so you can heal from this.

You also may want to work on rebuilding trust between you. Here are some resources to help:

I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration by Cindy Beall (for marriage but it can also work in relationships)

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele

Most of all, focus on keeping the communication between you honest and open. That way, your relationship can grow.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and generous bonus. I appreciate it!

My best to you and your partner,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Im afraid that confronting him would end our relationship. We have been so happy in all other areas. I want to ask him, "is he a sex addict?" "is he a closet homosexual?" . I have nothing against being gay.. I just want to know!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Im afraid that confronting him would end our relationship. It's so confusing! We have been so happy and he says he loves me. I want to ask him "are you a sex addict?". " are you a closet homosexual?" I have nothing against being gay. I just want to know. The secrecy is killing me! He is traveling this next week to Russia (of all places!)


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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