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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi!My situation is a very long and complicated one. It started

Resolved Question:

Hi!
My situation is a very long and complicated one. It started 6 years ago when I was still in school and this boy caught my attention. He was my first legitimate crush. Except he was in a relationship and so I backed off. A year later he contacted me, he had just broken up with his girlfriend and after a few very flirty conversations he asked me out. At that point, I was with someone and when he found out I was talking with my first crush he freaked out and so I cut off all contact with the first guy. He kept trying to talk to me but I stayed away.
Anyways, I have been in quite a few relationships since then but no one has been able to compare to him. So last year I finally plucked up some courage and contacted him again. I convinced myself I was doing it to get closure and move on but in reality I wanted to see if he was still interested. His reaction was more than enthusiastic and we started talking again. He asked me why I had disappeared and I told him I was not ready to talk about it and he let it go. The problem became obvious after a while- we were living in different countries. While I was ready to risk it and try a relationship with him he wasn't. He said it was too hard and he did not want to mess with what we had. I was planning on moving to where he was living even before I knew he was there, but I did not tell him that yet. So we continued talking and skyping and we became very close. We were in a relationship without the label.
However, after a year I started getting annoyed. And like a typical girl I wanted more. So I finally confronted him and told him how I felt and what exactly I wanted. We had danced around the topic many times but none of us had ever really sat down and discussed it.
He played it off as a fling with a friend. He said I was a very good friend that he had feelings for and flirted with because he thought I was pretty but he doesn't want a relationship as it never works long distance. He said if he was with me he wouldn't think twice about it and we would be together. He also said he didn't want this to change things between us. I told him I needed to move on and needed time. He agreed.
Over the next few months he would text me and I was trying to appear normal but it seemed too son- I was still hurt and embarrassed- so I probably appeared distant and not my usual flirty self.
A few days ago I started missing him- truly missing him like absolute crazy and so I texted him. Except this time he was the distant one. He gave me to the point answers and ended the conversation as soon as he could.
I understand where he is coming from. I once again disappeared on him- something I had promised him I wasn't going to do ever again.
I feel like I have made so many mistakes with him. I understand what he meant about long distance. My plans to move don't seem to be working out, at least not now. It seems silly to start a relationship when there is no way for us to see each other. I just want things to go back to how they were. I want him in my life. My questions is- is that even possible? Or should I just give up because it seems like circumstances just keep pushing us apart no matter what we do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

You both seem to be very drawn to each other and care about one another.

Deardebra :

I feel this relationship is worth trying again. You keep going back to each other and That is a sign that you need each other in your lives.

Deardebra :

I would contact him again and talk about long distance. People do make long distant relationships work.

Deardebra :

As the relationship progress people make plans to move in together, get married or just live in the same area to see each other.

Deardebra :

You have strong feelings for hgim and I feel that you should still try, but do not think ahead.

Deardebra :

The reason I say do not think ahead because you do not want to put the whole relationship in front of you before you start.

Deardebra :

Do not be concerned about the long distance. Just get to know each other again.

Deardebra :

You tend to want to run and back away.

Deardebra :

You need to plant your feet and stay this time and not worry about the long distance. He obviously cares about you deeply. I understand that things just didn't seem like it worked out before, but I feel it just was not the right time. You just were not ready.

Deardebra :

Now you know that you really want to see this work, so I feel this time you will stick it out and stay. This time make plans for the future, so you both can see one day you will be able to be in the same place.

Deardebra :

You need to see that there is a future in this relationship.

Deardebra :

People do make long distance relationship work and they can be very successful, so I want you to really think about this and focus on one thing and that is just loving each other. Forget all the rest of the obstacles and thing of each other. Think about how you miss him and do not want to spend yourself without him in it.

Deardebra :

Tell him how you feel about him.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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