How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
57081136
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Cheated on my partner for months but he doesnt no he has only

Customer Question

Cheated on my partner for months but he doesnt no he has only seen messages and thats all he thinks has happen. I dont want to hurt him or the other guy as both love me dearly and i hobestly dont no who to choose as i love them both as well. Ones my fiance and father to my kids the other was my first serious boyfriend and lover. Help,?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question. Right now your emotions are torn on who you want to choose.

Deardebra :

You do have to make a choice.

Deardebra :

It sounds like you are leaning towards being with your first serious boyfriend more than your fiance.

Deardebra :

You mentioned at there is a lot of damage done in your current relationship that you feel can not be repaired. I feel the reason why you cheated was because you were looking for an escape to get away from your current relationship.

Deardebra :

When two people first start dating you are out to impress the person and things are new and exciting. You learn about the person and things start off good. As the relationship progresses things get more comfortable and then things get into a routine.

Deardebra :

If you want to work things out with your current relationship you both would have to find the reason you both got together and how you both felt when you both decided to make that commitment to the future to get married.

Deardebra :

Right now I feel your feelings are blocked for your fiancé because things have happened that effected your feelings for him.

Deardebra :

He is the father of your children and you will always have a bond together.

Deardebra :

You want to be fully sure when you make the decision to move on. I want you to think about what is best for you and what you feel you need when it comes to this relationship.

Deardebra :

You are asking him for a break, but I want you to be sure how you feel.

Deardebra :

Some times when people break up and try to move on with someone else they realize that they want to be with the one they left. Even if you want to move on, you still will feel the effects of a break up.

Deardebra :

There will be things you miss and your feelings will get confusing on how you feel.

Deardebra :

I want you to take the time and really think about how you feel about both of them and who you can see yourself not being able to live without.

Deardebra :

You mentioned you love them both and that is understandable, they both have certain qualities that you love.

Deardebra :

Also if your fiance finds out you cheated you want to think about how you feel he would act and if it is something that would put a huge strain on the relationship.

Deardebra :

This is what I want you to do. When you wake up tomorrow mourning think about who is the one person that if they left your life for good.

Deardebra :

Which one could you see yourself not being able to live without.

Deardebra :

This helps in discovering your emotions.

Deardebra :

You might not know right away who you want to be with, but I do feel that so much has happened with your current relationship that it has effected how you feel about him.

Customer : Im sorry for some reason this page contains errors and cant view answers? Is there any other way to recieve it?
Customer : This page contains errors is there another way to view it?
Deardebra : Yes, I will switch to question &answer so you can view it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ive tryed thinking and ive had my fiance threaten to leave if i speak to him again and i havent stopped but his still stayed and ive had my x say he cant do this anymore and ive asked him to hang in there and he has...still living on my own hasnt made rgis choice easier and yes if he found out he would never forgive me and there would be no repairing our relationship. Every fight me n my fiance have are always about my x and he thibks with my x out of the picture we would work but my x is my only friend other then my mum so his the only one i can talk to and when mums busy will come shopping ect with me so with out him alll have noone...i think my fiances right about him being the main problem but its more too i mean my mum doesnt evan really like my fiance anynore and her negativity about him doesnt help sand shes got nothing but nice stuff to say about my x who she let live with her for a few months not that long ago...everythings so messed up that i just hate my life...from my "relationships" to my uncontrollable 3 yr old and now ny 2yr old going through a very testing period..my 3 dogs who manage to escape the yard no matter what is done to stop them....it just seems like to much of a battle to bother anymore i dont seem to be winning against the battle and im never happy anymore cause something is always happening makes me really question why i try anymore??
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I want you to stay positive and I know you are going through a transition period where nothing seems to be going right and what is going on is confusion. You will work this out. But right now it is very hard to think clear with so much going on. Your finace feels the problem is your ex. So here is how he feels, he is uncomfortable at any thoughts about your ex and feels threatened because your ex is still in your life. Your fiancé wants you to move on with him and I feel he thinks you are still on the fence about who you want to be with. I feel he thinks that you are still in love with your ex. So I think he feels if he was not in the picture that you both would be able to focus on each other and the love you have for one another. Your mum is having trouble as well adjusting to your fiancé. She hoped you chose your ex, so it is very hard for her to change and get use to your finace. This often happens in parenting when you get to like a certain person for your loved ones, but people do break up and move on. But some times parents do not move on making it hard for their loved one to move on with a new relationship because the past is alway be reminded. I want your o really think about how you feel just you thinking about what life you want to have and who you want to spend your life with. It is up too you and you have to make the best choose for your life, you can not live unhappy anymore. I can give you advice on your children as well. When it comes to a child they learn very early how to get things, but it is not a bad thing it is how they learn. If they cry or take a tantrum and a parent gives in they know that is what they should do cry. But if the child points and is very calm to what they want they quickly realize that is how they get things. Also no means no, once you say no, you never say yes to the same questions. Children tend to ask 50 times until parent get s so annoyed they just give in. Once a child see they can ask a million times and the answer is no, they will only ask once. Now your dogs, every dogs personality is very different and one could be influencing the other. There is always one n the pack that is the leader. Which that is the one leading to get out the yard. If you have a fence dogs love to dig and they can get out very small spaces. You can dig a small wire fence on the bottom making it very hard for them to get out, also some times it is hard to figure out where they are going through they have pretty flexible body's and can get through small holes even big dogs. Also tyeing the dog you feel is the leader might also stop the problem. I don't want you to give up, you need to live the life you want to live it is try important for you to be happy.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
well ive decided after only having 2 days fully apart from my fiance i missed him and asked him to move in...i spent those 2 days with that other guy and to be honest i dont think that will work as he doesnt understand i cabt just drop everything to go somewhere ext as i have kids and when he is here he just want my full attention and as u can imagine with my farm lol and 3 & 1yr old thats not possible. So evan though he says he understands he really doesnt. I have pulled my back out and in extreme pain to top it off im sick with i dont no what cause its not the flu but as soon as i stand up or drink and eat i feel like throwing up.. Asked ny mum to stay help cause she only lives 2 streets away but apparently she cant cause has to take my little brother to school but she could have taken him from my place?? The only one that was here for me was my fiance without me evan asking...he feed my dogs and everything as well as cleaned my house as i was unable to at all.it sort of proved in the end who will be here for me without evan asking. Witch has made me feel like i was pushing him away for the silly reasons. Ive said to him that i want this to be a fresh start none of the old bullshit we used to fight over.ive gone through my new backyard and hopefully fixed all the problems...and my neighbour did his side also. I no my kids are always going to be trying and frustrating and that is were i guess once our relationship gets stronger will be alot easier to battle together..i hope lol

Ive been thinking that i need help for depression i did have bad Post natal dep. With my first till about a yr old by about 6 mnths i noticed it but battled it myself. I also had it with my second daughter but sonetimes i think its over and its just cause i got so much going on but i dont no anymore cause i find myself wishing it to be all over quite alot recently and evan when i say it to my mum she sorta shrugs it off saying that its cause everything thats happening....im not sure but i do no i cant see myself actually going to get help from a doctor or anythingso not sure what to do?? U have been great and very helpful thank you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Depression can cause many symptoms. You feel sick when you drink and eat. I would recommend that you get that check. A doctor would do some test and go over your symptoms to see what the problems is, stress can also cause certain symptoms but it is best to get everything checked. You mentioned about being depressed. You know how you feel better than anyone. Your mum shrugs it off because some times parents do not want to think about if their child might be experiencing a problem. Parents often write things off because they want to support their child that everything is going to be ok and that you are just going through a tough time, but it could be deeper then that. Depression can be caused by life events, but it also can be an imbalance. Some people no matter what just have trouble feelings happy, or they have anxiety that something bad is going to happen. Your finace has always been their for you and he sounds like the person you need in your life. By what you have described he loves and cares about you. What I want you to do is think about what is going to make you happy. Even if you have to write it down. Think of something that you want to do in life that you feel is what is creating unhappiness in your life. Is there any goals you want to achieve? Things that need to be fixed in your life that you feel will solve the problem? I way you to think about these questions.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    915
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/mschase2u/2009-01-04_010319_chaseface.jpg Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    853
    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/AL/aliciamiller/2012-4-9_21330_profilepicture.64x64.jpg Alicia_MSW's Avatar

    Alicia_MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    453
    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    414
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    366
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions