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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half now. Let me start the story, we started dating in December of 2011, for the first three months of our relationship, we were so close to one another. After the first three months, small fights and arguments started to occur, and throughout that time we took two or three short breaks from one another. I ended up going away for school while she stayed home, and we were able to make it through that, and I returned the following semester. I enlisted into the Marine Core, and our relationship still stayed strong throughout the two months I was there, until I was discharged medically and returned home. While I was at boot camp, we even considered marriage. When I got back I was very depressed and ended up breaking up with her, in this time I realized how stupid I was for doing so and have grown so strongly towards her. The past week, she has taken me back, and then changed her mind at least six times. The more she does it, the more it devastates me. All I ask of her is to give her the opportunity for me to show her how much I am willing to change. When we talk, she wants to be together, but as soon as she leaves she gets advice from a close "guy friend", and her mind changed. When shes with me, she always deleted their text conversations, she hangs out with him at his house, yet she says they are "just friends". I feel like that is part of the reason she has changed her feelings towards me, she says she wants to be "single", but when I talk to her she reverses her feelings. All I know is that I love her so much, and I cannot stop fighting for her because I just can't lose her... she means too much to me. What should I do... what should I say? I just don't know what I should do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that this is happening to you. As a clinical psychologist of some 30 years, I have had years and years of experience with couples in a similar situation. I do understand that you feel great love and loyalty to her. However...those feelings are not being reciprocated. She is being disrespectful and hurtful to you. What you have is an on-off relationship that she is controlling. She knows very well how you feel about her and how devastating it is when she rejects you...yet she continues to treat you poorly and shows you little honesty in her feelings.

Dr. L :

I'm very sorry.

Dr. L :

I hear you when you say that you want to fight for her. But let me ask you...who are you fighting? Are you fighting her? Are you fighting this guy friend? And...what will you win?

Customer:

I am fighting for her because I know that we could be together again, she wouldn't consistently change her mind if she didn't have some idea of the opportunity for her and I to be getting back together again... when we do spend time together now, we still connect on a level higher than just being friends.. I know the feelings are still there. I just feel as if she is going through a phase.

Dr. L :

Her behavior tells me that she will continue with this on-off game as long as you are willing to tolerate her poor treatment. You cannot change her behavior...the only behavior you can change is your own. So YOU must decide whether you are willing to continue to "fight" for her, or wait for her to change her mind again, or be treated poorly.

Customer:

If things don't work out, whats the best way for me to cope with it?

Dr. L :

Like all relationships, you will have to grieve the loss of this love. It is going to be emotionally difficult...but you are already somewhat used to her rejecting you and treating you badly. So...I'm not so sure it would be very different from what you are already experiencing.

Dr. L :

I don't think this is a phase...I think it is how she approaches relationships. She may have little ability to commit to someone, be fantasizing about what love is, or be easily persuaded by others.

Customer:

What I am experiencing now is harder then anything I have ever experienced before... I am just so hurt and torn.

Dr. L :

Her relationship with this male friend is bothersome. If she loves you...then why is he in the picture?

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand the hurt.

Dr. L :

And absolutely I can hear that you are torn.

Dr. L :

There are good times with her and bad times with her. And so that back and forth is confusing.

Customer:

Do you think it is even worth me trying at this point?

Dr. L :

Honestly, no. I think it would be better for you to tell her that you will not play this game with her any longer and that you have lost trust in her. You must stay in control of your life. Right now you are not as she is directing how things go.

Dr. L :

She loves you one moment and the next wants to be single.

Dr. L :

These are two conflicting statements.

Dr. L :

Your heart is being tossed from side to side...that must stop.

Customer:

I just don't understand what I could have done to alter her feelings towards me so much.

Dr. L :

It is NOT about you. It is about HER. Her needs. Her desires. Her fantasies. Her selfishness. Her lack of compassion.

Customer:

I just feel like I've done something wrong though :(

Dr. L :

There is nothing you could have done to influence her thinking. This is about HER>

Dr. L :

That's a very natural reaction. We get rejected. We think we did something.

Dr. L :

She is free to think and do as she pleases? Correct?

Dr. L :

She is not controlled by anyone...correct?

Dr. L :

She is not a puppet...she makes up her own mind.

Customer:

Thats true

Dr. L :

She has made a free choice to love you and a free choice to reject and hurt you.

Dr. L :

This is about HER. NOT about you.

Dr. L :

In the same way...you have made a choice to fight for her. Correct?

Dr. L :

No one forced you to do that. You made that decision about you.

Dr. L :

Do you see my point?

Customer:

Yes, it makes a lot of sense.

Dr. L :

It is only normal and natural to think you had something to do with this...but you did not.

Dr. L :

She is free.

Dr. L :

And...you are free to decide what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

Dr. L :

I am encouraging you to consider your options and make a choice as to how you want to be treated by her.

Dr. L :

She can't MAKE you do anything. And you can't MAKE her do anything.

Customer:

I don't deserve to continue to be treated how I have been, no matter how hard it is to let go... I just need to do this.

Dr. L :

You have to decide for yourself.

Dr. L :

Exactly. She is treating you very, very badly and YOU do not deserve that kind of treatment.

Dr. L :

You deserve to be loved, respected,and appreciated for the person you are.

Customer:

I just feel like I'm not going to find anyone else

Customer:

I am afraid of being lonely in a sense.

Dr. L :

That, also, is a natural reaction.

Dr. L :

That's because you have been hurt and you feel tender in your heart. That feeling will ease as you grieve the loss of this relationship and come to accept - day by day - that you are worth loving. Right now that is hard to believe. But...trust me...it will come.

Dr. L :

And absolutely...being afraid of being lonely and without a partner is a sad thought. But it is only a temporary situation. You will need time to heal your heart...and soon you will have room in your heart to love again.

Dr. L :

Please don't let the thought of being lonely keep you in an unfulfilling relationship! You are worth far more then that.

Customer:

do you think it would be bad for me to tell her how I feel in person?

Dr. L :

That's probably the best way to handle it. I believe that honesty is always the best policy.

Dr. L :

Please be prepared, however, that she may react badly. She likely will be quite unhappy with your taking control of the relationship and rejecting her.

Dr. L :

Remember...she's been in the driver's seat for some time now.

Dr. L :

You must stand up for YOU.

Customer:

Like as in angry or trying to take me back solely because I am telling her I wont put up with it anymore?

Dr. L :

Yes.

Customer:

Will I be able to chat with you again after I talk to her?

Dr. L :

She may get defensive.

Dr. L :

Yes. You will need to open a new question. Just write out your new question and ask for me by name. That way the question will come directly to me.

Dr. L :

Is there more I can help you with right now as our time is ending.

Customer:

Ok, I am going to leave now to go spend some time with friends and I will talk to her later and then fill it out. But for now, I appreciate everything. You have helped a lot.

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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