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My husband cheated on me while on a trip overseas two years ago. I believe affair lasted for around 5 6 months. He confessed to what happened and she texted and called for months. Last year I had a miscarriage in Apr and found out they talked for 60 minutes after that. I am still very hurt. He tells me that was nothing he loves me, I went for counseling he didnt. I cant seem to get over this.
I feel betrayed and meaningless and I dont think that he is for real. He says that he regrets this that he is sorry. I accuse him and throw this back at him every time I am angry. I feel terrible
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about these devastating situations you have been experiencing.
What you describe is very serious, since what you found out, as limited as it could be, clearly shows they have been sharing at least from the time you traveled overseas to the time you had your miscarriage. To find out a spouse is betraying you uses to be an overwhelming experience for most people, and to know it has continued just after you had a miscarriage could be traumatizing and push most people to depression, anxiety disorders and many other serious mental health problems, specially because of how vulnerable the person feels physically and psychoemotionally after such painful experience.
When words do not consistently match reality, they become manipulative and sued to neglect and abuse people, specially those one trust. You looked for counseling and he did not, and the affair has been there. Obviously he denies it, but he is not trustworthy at all, since if he was able to keep this communication - affair even when you had the miscarriage, then you could expect anything from him, and this is not pessimism but reality.
It would be unrealistic, naive and self-sabotaging to trust a spouse presenting such abusive, neglectful and manipulative behaviors. You have the right and need to feel hurt, because he hurt you so much, and it was not an isolated episode, they keep it for long and it'd be reasonably to believe they are still together.
When a person makes a mistake and is truly honest and remorseful about it, he fully acknowledges it, ends every unacceptable behavior and commits to work on healing marriage, deserving spouse's trust and affection back , and gets professional psychological support to work on his personal issues and to marriage counseling to work on trying to heal what was damaged. He has not done any of these things, then there is nothing concrete and valid for you to trust and feel hopeful about him; and coming to terms with that reality is overwhelmingly painful for sure.
Does it make sense?
My husband does not believe in counseling. He denies affair as serious and labels it as flirting. He apologizes and says he would never do something like that again. I have access to his accounts and emails texts and there is nothing there. He says I should try to give him a change to redeem himself. I am trying. I have become very anxcious and nervous. How do I come to a closure? I am 41 and we have been together for 23 years. This is very hard.
I am sorry, but the fact your husband does not believe in counseling only shows his unwillingness to truly take full responsibility for his actions and do necessary work to gain back your trust and love. It's very easy to say ask you to work on yourself and trust him back without him doing anything at all , when it's him who led your marriage to current crisis. If a person has cancer and states that he does not believe in medicine and refuses treatment, it does not help him nor those around him affected by his decision. Ultimately he is the one who needs to take full responsibility for his actions and the consequences from them.
Let's say that he wants the marriage to heal, that he really wants that, but remains passive not doing what he can and should do to make this happen, what includes getting individual and marriage counseling, then I confirm that his words and good wishes would remain only as such and would not help this situation to improve at all, since he would continue to totally disregard reality and remain in passive and neglectful position, expecting you to forget and move on.
Reality shows us that without real effort, work and responsible commitment from spouses who were not loyal, it'd be unrealistic to expect significant improvement in a damaged marriage. It is also true that many times women in your shoes, who commit to therapy, working on themselves to heal and move on, to trust back and love their spouses who betrayed them, many do not happen to be able to heal and feel able to trust and continue married, or if they stay married to rebuild the relationship, keeping it at a very poor and dysfunctional level, due t the impossibility to heal from the past wounding, and this happens even in cases where spouses who were not loyal, do everything in their hand to gain back their trust and affection. This shows that even in those cases, what the person betrayed experiences could never lead to heal the marriage. Thus if the dishonest spouse chooses no to work with real responsibility, caring and sensitivity on making the relationship heal and growth, the chances for real reconciliation are much lower.
OK then. If I set up counseling session and he agrees to come do you think he will be able to cooperate if truly not believing in counseling service.
He says he is willing to go.
Only you know how tough and painful it feels to be in your shoes, and this is why you need to get all the help you can from your support system and professionals. You are wise committing to psychotherapeutic work. This way time would allow you to gradually heal and feel stronger to cope and know what you truly want and are willing to afford or not. Unhappily there is nothing anybody could do to make the other person understand, change or do the right thing, thus you need to focus on taking good care of yourself, being unconditionally patient, gentle, compassionate, understanding and supportive with yourself, getting all the support you can, and that would ensure the best possible outcomes and progress.
That's a good first step for sure, but he would need not only to be willing to physically attend a session, but to be truly honest, open, accountable, empathetic and proactive, willing to work on making concrete changes to help you and the relationship to heal. Counseling and psychotherapy by themselves are only tools, without the clients' conscious and willing active participation and work right there during sessions, and specially between them, there is no chance for nay significant change and improvement.
Thus he would need not only to attend a session, but to commit to work on himself as an individual and as a spouse, to make changes, to support you and to do everything necessary to make your marriage heal, being truly honest and open, otherwise no therapy would be helpful.
Please look for a very competent, ethical and experience marriage and family therapist to support you, hoping he would be willing to listen, reflect and take consistent action benefiting from professional support and the chance you are giving to him.
I will try. I don't know what else I could do. Thank you for assisting me.
You're very welcome. There is nothing else you could do about it. Please do not push yourself, since this time in your life is for healing and growing and not to add further stress in your life.
Thank you for your trust.
I understand. I am trying to do the right thing.
Right, and the right thing is what you feel and truly believe is fair, healthy and consistent with what you really need and wish inside yourself, while fully acknowledging reality and that for a marriage to heal and grow as a heal;thy and fulfilling experience, both spouses need to feel truly comfortable, respected, understood. loved and supported. You have been grieving the loss of all these core ingredients in your marriage, and that's why you feel the way you do. Now only time would show you how your situation evolves and depending on how you feel and what your husband doe about it, you would know what's the best for you to continue taking good care of yourself and life.
Please feel free to contact me back for any further assistance, since I'll be ere willing to support you.