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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi Dr. I have been dating my boyfriend for 13 months (living

Resolved Question:

Hi Dr. I have been dating my boyfriend for 13 months (living together for 6 months). Before we moved in together, he told me that he saw a future with me and wanted children with me. He took me to Europe to visit his parents, and asked to move in with me. After we moved in, he started pulling away - expressing uncertainty about his feelings and stopped being intimate with me 4 mo ago. Now he is saying that he doesn't have the right feelings and doesn't see a future together. What to do? :(  He seems conflicted about moving out. When he suggests it, I get hurt. When I suggest it, he cries. He said he wants to feel, but doesn't feel the way he thinks he should.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and sad situation.

Customer:

thanks.

Customer:

I am wondering if I should ask him to move out or give it time?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems both of you got very high and positive expectations based on what you experience during the first period you were dating, and once you started a life together he started to experience these changes and uncertainties. Yours is a young relationship, and it seems obvious his feelings are not enough to keep building this relationship, making of it something truly healthy and fulfilling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing things would not help for sure. For it to be healthy and worthy, both need to feel comfortable and spontaneously willing and happy to stay together and work on developing your relationship, if that's not the case, then it's much better to give him time to work on himself and personal issues, and time would tell if this could restart or not.

Customer:

So you believe the best solution is for him to move out on his own?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that forcing yourself or him to do something that he does not truly feel he wants to do would not help but complicate and worsen your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is literally and directly telling you he does not feel what he thought or experienced before, and he remains there with you out of guilt and remorse but not because of real love and passion, nor hope for a healthy and fulfilling life together. Then based on that, it's obvious to me that pushing the situation to remain the way it is would not help. I believe he needs time to work on himself, for him to find out what he wants and is willing to afford or not.

Customer:

Thanks. How should I approach him about moving out? And should I give him time?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Things have been too fast in your relationship, and that's why it's become this painful and frustrating, but much better to face reality and approach it with a wise outlook than pushing each other against what each of you feel and want.

Customer:

Do you think he might just feel pressured and afraid to commit?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Just be %100 honest and open, direct, addressing the concrete issues you are experiencing, your core needs and expectations right now, being respectful, empathetic, understanding and supportive. it seems obvious he needs to work on himself, and as he said, he does not feel comfortable nor happy, even less committed to continue with the relationship. then dialogue about a reasonable time frame for him to move out.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be, but no way to know unless he happens to be truly completely honest and open towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It takes time, years to truly start knowing another person, and it could only happen if that person chooses to be truly open and honest, otherwise people could spend decades together and have very poor knowledge and understanding about each other.

Customer:

Okay, thanks. Is it $27 total for this session? Not sure how this works.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The amount you initially offer-pay for your question is the total amount the website charges you for it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please reflect on it, take gentle care and consistent action.it's not easy, but it's necessary and worthy for sure.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please feel free to contact me back for any further support. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach