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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My wife says shes done. She says shes been done for awhile.

Customer Question

My wife says she's done. She says she's been done for awhile. We can't let go of the past. Will do good for a couple of month then where back at it. Been married for six years. Its been a rocky six years. Was a lot of baggage with her. There was drama with the baby daddy. He would start crap every time he could. I don't think she ever got over him. She told me the other night that he has place in her heart.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

People can either chose to let go of the past and move forward from it or it can drag them down to the point where they are fully communed by it.

Deardebra :

When a relationship starts it's exciting and new. You learn about each other and you become closer and things seem good. Once things in life get in the way like she had to deal with a baby daddy which seemed to want to get in the way of the relationship, you never had a fair start.

Deardebra :

Instead of you both focusing on each other, you had this third person interrupting your relationship.

Deardebra :

Instead of you both falling in love with no distractions, she had all this drama she was dealing with which cause a strain in a any relationship. When it comes to having a child with someone else there is always going to be something that comes up.

Deardebra :

You mentioned about her not getting over him and I do feel she is over him, but it is very common for people that have a child together to have a certain bond. It's a comfortable bond, but it does not in anyway mean they still love each other or want to ever be together.

Deardebra :

They know the relationship did not work and they moved on.

Deardebra :

She chose to be with you and that was her decision because she loves you. She wants to be with you and not with the baby daddy. They just have a bond together cause they have a child and they are parenting together.

Deardebra :

You have been together six years which is very positive. You mentioned it has been rocky, but I feel it is because you have these interference and you did not get a fair chance in the beginning. This influences the whole relationship because some times people can not get over what happened in the past. They have a tendency to harp on it instead of moving on.

Deardebra :

The reason why is because they have never settled it in their own mind.

Deardebra :

It is almost like they need an explanation why this happened in their live and until they get the answer they become consumed by the solution of the past.

Deardebra :

The reason why she has not moved forward is she has not come to terms with everything in her mind, she needs to talk things out and put them to rest once and for all. What I want you to do, is set up a place to sit down and talk.

Deardebra :

You both need to talk things out in a calm manner because if voices escalate then no one gets their point across.

Deardebra :

You want to chose a relaxing environment where you both an talk things out.

Deardebra :

You both need to get back to when you first fell in love and try and forget what has happened in the past, but you must first talk about the past and finally put it to an end. How you do this is ask questions of why? I am sure you have questions as well.

Deardebra :

Like you feel she never got over her baby daddy, so you simple say too her it bothers me and I often think that you might not be over your baby daddy and that is one reason why I get upset. This will get her to answer how she feels.

Deardebra :

It is important to be open and honest about your feelings for each other.

Deardebra :

It is like free pass day where you can say anything you want and she can to and it will stop right there. It all ends in one day all emotions get talked about you both find solutions and move on together with a fresh new start. It is often a good idea to recreate your first date that you had it triggers all those good memories you once shared.

Deardebra :

You both love each other, but this is just healing from the past and enjoying each others company now. Time goes by rather quickly and she needs to realize that what she has in front of her right now is what she needs to focus on.

Deardebra :

You can not fix the past, but you can understand it and move forward.

Deardebra :

Some times people think what if things were different and I can never change what has happened in my life. But what they do not realize is they have a chance to create a great future by putting the past behind them. What happened in the past is over it can not be fixed only talked about to get answers.

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