How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5459
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I recently found out my fiance has been cheating on me for

Customer Question

I recently found out my fiance has been cheating on me for 7 months with a woman he works with. He has been lieing to me all this time. We were supposed to get married next weekend on Fathers Day. I found out through an anonymous email. I called off the wedding. Part of me thinks ppl can change and that after i heal we can have a second chance. But another part of me obviously feels that how can I ever trust him again after what he did to me. Can people really change? Can a relationship survive after cheating? I am hurting so bad. All i do is cry. I still love him and miss him. We were living together too. But now he moved back into his parents house and I am surrounded but our stuff that reminds me of him. He keeps telling me he is hurting so bad for hurting me. He says he loves me and misses me. I am so confused as what to do. I want the pain to go away.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Yes, people can change. And relationships do survive infidelity all the time. In order for your relationship to recover, your fiance needs to take steps to deal with what he did.

One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult.

Two, has he stopped all contact with this other person? He needs to so as a first step to regaining your trust.

Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to in order to feel safe again.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often good relationship counselors. Also, if you have problems affording therapy, try your local community mental health center. They can offer therapy on a sliding scale fee system.

The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated.

Here are some books that may help you:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.


I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Here is a book that might help your fiance:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

Kate



May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your reply. Yes he is extremly sorry. He seems so miserable right now for hurting me.

He said he has stopped the affair but he does still work this woman as both as supervisors they need to communicate about work.

And yes he does answer all my questions that i ask. He doesnt see why i find the need to ask so many but he does answer them though.

We were living together in my moms basement and now he moved back into his parents home. Should we both still remain talking? Or should we cut off communication and give each other space to figure things out?

 

Also my mom knows what he did and now pretty much my whole family and friends know as well. This makes it more difficult if we do mend our relationship and i give him another chance that everyone will not look at him the same way. And my moms has been cheated on before getting married, then ended up marrying him and then he cheated on her again which led to their divorce... so she is a very bitter woman on the topic and has no faith that men can change and that it will only be a matter of time before he does it again.

As i am focusing on myself right now healing and seeing if I am willing to give him another chance i am afraid at how everyone else will react once ive made my decision and if it is to give him another chance.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It doesn't matter how any one else feels about your relationship. Only you and your fiance know what works for the both of you. If you listen to others, then you will not be happy with what you choose to do.

It depends very much on what you feel you need right now to heal as to whether or not you decide you need space. If you feel that would help you heal, then it's a good idea. Talking also helps, which you can do without being in each other's presence.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


It was by listening to others that got me in this mess with everyone knowing the truth. I confided in someone i trusted and he convinced me that i needed to tell my mom.. so i did.. but i already knew what she was going to say. and then when I asked her not to tell anyone else in the family.. just tell ppl something simple that wedding is off.. she says i am defending him and what he did.. and that ppl need to know the truth and that i need to realize the truth. so i couldnt stop her from telling everyone. which meant that i then had to tell my friends the truth because then they would of found out eventually from her and now the whole world knows.


She is so one minded about this topic and doesnt realize that everyone is different. not everyone is like her ex husband. He never acted the way my fiance is acting now. He is doing all the 3 important things you listed. Her ex(my stepdad) just kept the lie going and denied everything and didnt seem sorry at all. never apologized.


 


my fiance wouldnt stop crying.. and still cant stop saying sorry. he still says he loves me and misses me.


it is all so confusing cause i really just dont know what to do yet.


 


as much as i beleive ppl can change i just hate that everyone will look at him differently.


 


and i still cant decide whether talking to him is the right thing to keep doing. i find that i feel better after i talk to him. because when i go for a long period of the say without or like last night went to bed without talking to him i find myself wondering what he is doing, where he is and if he is with anyone (meaning that other woman).


the fact that he still works with her bothers me.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like you might benefit from talking to a therapist about how you feel. There is a lot that goes into making such a decision and how you can cope with him still working with this person, more than can be addressed in a question and answer format. And a therapist can help you work on regaining your trust in the relationship. It may take a while, but it is worth knowing if you are making the right decision, either way.

Kate




Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5459
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the positive rating and bonus. I appreciate it!

Take care,

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions