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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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my fiance has been making a trip to see his daughter in north

Customer Question

my fiance has been making a trip to see his daughter in north carolina he hasnt seen her in five years and he was suppose to go the bay area first and fix and paint his car he said hes not gonna paint his car and do it when he get back he been in the bay area for two days now ,he says he gonna stay in the bay area for week now instead of two days if he soon concern and wanna see her why is he in the bay area just playing around everyday he changes the day when hes gonna drive from the bayto north carolina see her
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : It sounds like he is stalling to see his daughter. If he is staying in the Bay Area longer than he is trying to postpone his trip.
Deardebra : He wanted to paint his car before he left but decided to change his mind. He wanted to wait. There could be a few reasons why he is staying in the Bay Area.
Deardebra : he might of hot there and decided to extend his trip in that area because he liked being there and wanted to see more things.
Deardebra : his daughter could have changed the days to go and see her so he decided to stay in the Bay Area. I feel that he did not want to paint the car just yet because it might have been too much to do all together. I think he didn't want to worry about painting the car and feeling like he was rushed so he decided to wait.
Deardebra : I feel he thought it wa too much and it sounds like he wanted to extend his trip in the Bay Area. So that when he comes back he will then be able to get the car painted. It sounds like after 5 years of not seeing his daughter he is going to make up for lost time.
Deardebra : This is very common for children to reconnect and begin a father daughter relationship.
Deardebra : it sounds like he feels like his trip should be extended in the Bay Area cause he might be setting up his car being painted or he felt it wasn't longer enough so he's staying or his daughter postponed.
Deardebra : i would ask him if his daughter cancelled al together. She might of canceled and he does not want to tell you because he doesn't want to explain the reason why. I would ask him why though so that you do not have to wonder.
Deardebra : you could say too him is there a reason why you are staying there longer? See what he says.
Deardebra : I'm sure if you ask him he will tell you and them you can ease your mind to why he is staying there.
Customer:

he told his baby mama

Customer:

he told his baby mama that

Customer:

he told his baby mama , not to tell his daughter when he coming he wanted to surprise her and he just been hanging out on the bay and should of been went on the road and he knows his fiance , is at home and waiting for him to get backand his daughtermom is wating for him to come see hi daughter if he miss her so much why he keep post poing the days and he knows im at home wating for him to return and i miss him dearly and he knows im wating for him to get there and get back

Customer:

and i miss him im just ready for him to get there and get back and he just lagging around and making the days longer and he know h im at home missing him dearly and he says that hes gonna drive to north carolina on sunday and drive out there first he said monday than weds now its sunday i think his sister is making him do something he dosent wanna do and always forcing it and she even tried to go with him he told her no and hes doing by himself and why wont he just fly get there and get back and he has the money and flying is chaeper

Deardebra : You mentioned about his sister making him do something he doesn't want to do. Does she often interfere in his life?
Deardebra :

It sounds too me that the sister should not influence him to do something he does not want to do because it is very clear he is post poking because he does not want to go.

Deardebra :

One thing when it comes to family members is that have to realize that he has to do what is best for him when it comes to his daughter. It is not up to his sister to make these decisions. He has to do what he is comfortable with. You can not force someone to do something they do not ant to do it is not fair too him.

Deardebra :

She should stay out of it and let him make these decisions. He now because he is torn on what to do is away from ou and you miss him. If this wasn't pushed upon him he would be home with you.

Deardebra :

I feel he needs to speak up to his sister and tell her that this is his life and he needs to move forward and live his life how he wants.

Deardebra :

Some times family members think they are doing the right thing, but instead they are really causing problems and the reason is because they are not thinking of him they are thinking of themselves.

Deardebra :

He needs to say I need to do what is best for me and my fiancé.

Deardebra :

Because if he doesn't she will keep continuing to control his life. Someone can only control your life if you let them.

Deardebra :

He needs to just say No, I can't do that I have a life with my future wife.

Customer:

Yes now he says he might leave thursday from

Customer:

the bay area and drive down there , than he saying sang saturday he is also running low on money and has no job he been even spending his savings,account and whats in his checkings wont even cover his whole trip

Customer:

hes driving there,he says he gonna stay two weeks gad,there and back and his room is gonna be 1500 than he has too feed himself and have money todo rhings with his dauhhter he only has 9,000 left in his savings

Customer:

when he left he had more in both accounts he had git a settlement for 22,000 he down to 10,000 now and spending that too while his up north and he has rotbuy car parts and fix his car for the,drive if he has t

Customer:

live off this why is up north just blowing his money and hes gonna come back from carolina broke,he cannt afford this trip but post poning it and still trying to go.

Deardebra :

He really should reconsider this trip because he can not go broke trying to make this trip.

Deardebra :

Specially since his daughter does not know he could just explain that he does not have the money to take this trip and has to wait to save money.

Deardebra :

He needs to rethink this trip, is there anyway you could say too him to maybe postpone the trip when he has more money that he can spend?

Customer:

if he cares about his child so much why is he just post poing the days and havnt hit the road yet and everyday is an excuse and like today he made up several excuses not to hit the road today and now he saying has to take his sister dog to get nutered tommrow he has to bath her dogs go see his grandparents and his aunt and uncle he just came from the bay two weeks ago than he said he was gone hit the road on thursday for his trip and now he saying friday now sunday he is getting low on funds i checked his bank account and he gave his baby momma money yesterday for his daughter and said he opened up a savings account for his daughter i tried to book hima good del for his trip 1,200 for a rental car and room and ticket round trip

Deardebra :

The sister sounds like she is keeping him there to help her with things.

Customer:

he said he want to drive to relieve the anxeity with seeing his child after five yrs he didint invite me and said he had to do this himself and he has a women at home that misses him dearly and he still havnt left for carolina and in the bay area just lagging around i told him he should of flew but he told me stop trying force feed things and ,ake his time shorter with his child and that he wanna drive a bucket he bought from somebody off the streets he has to do the breaks motor mounds and bushings on it before he leaves but he dosent do what he should to the car he has been helping her unpack things from moving she asked to go with him and he told her no too

Customer:

she been also nagging a him to see his daughter rather so knows it are not hes getting low on money and he has no job ,he just drew out 1,000 out of his savings account yesteday

Customer:

and he only have 1700 in his checking and needs 5,000 for this trip so now he has 9,000 left in his savings he told me he gave his child mom money and open a savings account for his daughter

Customer:

hes been up north blowing money he dosent have and my thing is do he care im at home waiting for him to return hies up north doing everyting but trying to get to north carolina and back

Deardebra :

It is almost like he feels he needs to make this trip but he is not thinking clearly when it comes to money.

Deardebra :

He needs to understand that his funds will not last forever and he is not working.

Deardebra :

It sounds like he wanted to take some time by himself to think.

Customer:

he must dont miss me or his daughter and his sister got him up there just blowing money and doing what she wants and i bet she told him not too take me with him too see his daughter because she tried to go but everyday he has an excuse why hes not on the road already

Deardebra :

It sounds like she is controlling the situation. she is stopping him from leaving because she is looking for him to do things.

Customer:

and everyday i check his funds its getting lower so is it the money hes thinking about the money or the drive or what others gonna say if he dont go

Deardebra :

He is listening to his sister too much and not thinking of himself and what he needs to do.

Deardebra :

Special when it comes to money, he can not just spend all this money his sister needs to understand.

Customer:

because he talks all highly of his child around people and how hes gonna go see her and than hes just been stallling all this time he told me he was stopping up north to get his car paointing by his cousin than he change his mind and been up north just lagging

Customer:

yes and should of told him to get on the road already she must be trying to get him to change his mind for her too go alone and his sister has commited adultry three times in her marriage

Customer:

i think if he dosent go hes worried about what people gone say

Deardebra :

His sister could be holding him up so he does take her.

Deardebra :

His personality seems that he worries a lot about what people think and he needs to think of what is best for you and him first.

Customer:

yes and im at home waitng for hi to return and hes just up north doing everything else but getting there and back

Deardebra :

It seems like he doesn't want to go that he just wants to stay up North for a little while.

Customer:

and has a women at home and a child in another state waitng for him she is selfish and is missing up our relationship

Deardebra :

I agree that is very clear she is thinking of herself and not is what is best for you and your relationship.

Customer:

he left on the 2 and its the 5th and he said he was goanna stay two weeks with his child but a hotel room is gonna cost him 12 00 for two weeks and he has not book anything in advance

Deardebra :

I don't feel he booked anything because he has no idea when he is going to see his daughter. His sister keeps stalling him. I think you should ask him what is going on and why is he stalling as if it because of his sister.

Customer:

when i try he says that he dosent want me stressing him out over the trip and im being selfish of his time with his child

Customer:

he says what is two weeks but hes beenin the bay area for almost a week he has to get backbefore school starts and his registration for class in on june 18 he said it takes him 3 day sto get there

Customer:

and three to get back and further more days going by he says for the fourth of july he will e on the road and driving back home i told him thats dangerous

Deardebra :

He needs to be reminded of everything he has to do so he knows. I would remind him of registration and tell him he should not be traveling on the fourth of July.

Deardebra :

He needs to see and understand that you are worried about him and miss him. Explain that you are supportive of what he is doing but you miss him very much and can't wait until he gets back. Explain that the reason why you suggests things is only because you care and love him.

Customer:

i have and he stills get mad and frustrated and the reason i cant go with him is because his sister tried he told he no and sh etalked him out of taking me and she has him post poing his trip and staying longer from me and his child and when i give him advice he gets mad at me and says im always against what hes trying to do

Customer:

he only has 500 in his savings and 1.800 in his checking yesterday he had 9,000 in his savungs whats going on

Customer:

he still havnt left for his trip either

Customer:

i think its time for me to walk away from this relationship he keps lying to me and post poing his trip and money is being spent and taken and he dont tell me anything

Customer:

and he hides his fiances from me

Customer:

and his money situation and fiances and

Customer:

its not right

Customer:

what should i do

Customer:

im very confused and stressed

Customer:

hello

Deardebra :

I feel that you need to get the truth all that money going out of his account makes no sense.

Deardebra :

There seems to be something he is not telling you.

Deardebra :

He needs to be honest about what he is doing.

Deardebra :

You should not be home waiting for him to come home when you do not know when he is even leaving he is spending all kinds of money and he has no reason why he is staying so long in the bay area.

Deardebra :

I feel you should ask him what is going on and do not let him turn it around on you that you are not being supportive, you have the right to know what is going on.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he says hes gonna leave for north Carolina this Friday and hes gonna stay for like three days and get his daughter use to him and see if the mom will let her come back with him for like week and he will fly her back and because his grand father has cancer and hes 84 and he has a terminal illness its getting worse and h\is other family wants to meet her

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I really do hope she agrees because it would be good for him to bring her back to meet you. I think it is a good idea for him to see her first see how she responds and then see if she can come home to visit a week to meet everyone. It is good now that he set a day to leave which is good and now you know how long he is staying and coming home. It sounds like he had a plan and wants to make sure it works out before be discussed it with anyone. He had a reason for everything he has done so far. I feel what he wanted to do was bring her back for the grandfather. He had a plan and he is following through. Now you understand why he has been doing all this and you know when he is coming back now.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he money in his accounts is still dropping and he says he gonna leave this Friday but i haven't seen i herd anything about it so far , he is still attending to his sister needs but i did tell him i will not due this again or be in this situation with him again and he needs to go to court and get joint custody but hes thinking about the back pay child support hes been trying for years to be civil with her she has two other kids one from a past relationship and one from her new husband they was never in a relationship they had a one night stand i don't think shes over him and uses his child against him and she told him in the beginning she wanted a husband for her other child he said after that he cut it short after a second date and nine months later she called him saying shes pregnant he said she tried to trap and him also , but he don't like her in that way he told her before she got pregnant , he didn't say me meeting her he said that to his family up north iam 6 hours away from the bay area . she messing up our realtionship and he act like he dosent see it hes giving her all the power why waist 3,000 to drive down there and hope she will let you bring your child back just get a lawyer

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
There is a strong chance that she will not let her come back with him because she might say that the child doesn't know him well enough, she could have many excuses. He doesn't want to get a lawyer because there might be a child support problem, so he is worried if he goes to court he might run into some problems. The court assuming everything is fine. Will order visitation right, but they would both have to agree and come to some schedule when the child could see her dad. But where he has not seen her dad they might see things differently that he might have to take things slow to reconnect with her. But if he might have to go through the courts if she does not agree with him seeing his child. You feel like she is basically holding his child over his head because she might have feelings for him.
This is possible, but he has no interest in her and I think she knows that. But she needs to understand he has moved on and there is no going back so it is best to be civil and work things out.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes i totally i agree he i told him , how i felt and i put my feelings out there and i told him that i dont ever want to be in this situation ever and this will be the last time i get left behind and i told him.he gives her too much of power and she has a husband and A new baby but we cant have his daughter in our presences and we are her other family and he


has to spend.


spend.all this money.and.days away from.me cause she wont let go he asked her thousands of times can his daughter come out here and he has been video calling his daughter and when.he calls her the mom.put it on speaker phone and its a wgile bunvh of noise in tje background and he cant even.heree his


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
If she will not agree then he is going to have to see what he can do because he can not keep losing all this money and he is really trying to be in his daughters life. The mother has moved on and has her own life, but she needs to think you him and all this money he has to spent, it is not fair to both of you. I feel next time you should take the trip up there with him to meet her. It is only fair that you are part of her life as well. I think the mother is going to keep saying no on him taking her back, so he might have to look at other options now.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

  • he still in the bay he was suppose to leave today he is still catering to his sister needs and said his car is lesking fluid in two different places he trying to left the car its too low to the ground he bought a used bucket and has problems and he , is going to go change his aunt brraks on her car he went to get his nephew medcine for his sister and i told him that he needs to talk to his childs mom about what hes trying to do before he get there , and hes saying he wanys to borrow his brother in law 9mm while hes driving on the road and a concelid weapon with no liscence for it and he can go jail and he.needs to fly i checked his account hes lower on money also nearly broke and after rgisXXXXXhe will have like 5,000 left after this outof 20,000 and he dosent have no job .

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he been in up north for a week now and hasnt still taken this trip


everyday its an excuse and money is being blowed and getting lower


i dont know why he wont fly that car is in no condition to drive that far and hes not even resting before he get on the road .

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
His car is in no condition to drive and then he could get stuck on the road somewhere. This is not a good idea. If the car is leaking build he has to make sure that gets fixed and that the car is fit to take a trip. Your right about him talking too the mother of his child because he could get up there and she could say no then he will be disappointed. I would mention it too her. She should know his plan so that she can prepare her daughter if she wants her to go. You need to really explain too him that he can not carry a gun in the car because he does not have a license to carry. You have to make sure he does not do that because there are different laws in different states. It sounds like they are trying to keep him there to help them. He is doing a lot of things for people, but he still has not left for his trip.I would tell him to make sure he calls the mother of his child and tell her when he is coming because now she doesn't know when he is coming either. If she is more informed he will have a better chance in her understanding what he wants to do. If he does not tell her I feel she will just think he is not coming. I would ask him again if he knows when he is really leaving and tell him that it seems like things keep coming up and he keeps postponing so what is going on. You need to know.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
he said he has a feeling that his childs mother will say no he said he is going to sit down and have a face to face talk with the mom and her husband about letting her come this way he says that hes gonna give his childs mom a little more time and i told him to just go to court he said after he give her a little more time hes gonna than proceed to court
i told him how much time you gone give her , i told him if he makes it down there and get settled in and if he needs a support system and become frustrated or irritated i can always fly down there and be there for him cause its gonna be like hes the 3rd wheel with him ,her and her husband and his child. he said he fix most of the problems with the car but he dosent know if it well make it he said hes gonna try it out smh. he said hes very tried from helping his sister all week in the bay and working on his car a day before the trip that hes dreading the drive but has to take it.
i told him hes giving his childs mom too much power and thats why she dont respect him or his wishes. i really believe its about the money with him and an old criminal mestamenor record he need to just sacrifice and go legal.he says hes gonna leave in the morning.and he rather talk to his baby mama about what he expect when he gets there he should tell her he wish to be alone with his child while hes out there and what is his rights before he pay all this money , time , effort
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Its a good idea for her to sit face to face with her because they all can discuss what is best. That was good that you offered to fly down if he needed support. Now he knows if he needs you, you will be right there. He wants to give her more time. I feel once he talks with her and depending on what she says is where he will make his decision. If she says no then I feel he will then decide what to do next. Any money that he sets up for his daughter should be put in the daughters name with his name on i, so that if he does go to court he has proof. When it comes to child support it goes through the system it is never to be paid directly to the mother cause there is no proof. It all has to go through a child support enforcement division so they can have proof of payment and it all be recorded. If he takes legal action. Child support gets solved right away that would be the first topic. What he wants to file in the court is visitation rights. The mestamenor will only come up if he or she mentions it. The court system is only interested in what is best for the child.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok he said he's leaving in a hour after he do his laundry and hes gonna Hit the road and began his trip , hopefully his car makes it He called me this moring at his sister house and said hes drained and he's gonna buy energy drinksFor the road and he's really tired , I asked him to give me his liscence plate number incase of an emergancy He was hesitant and gave it to me but went off on me very harsh and was showing out infront of his sister and her husband and was calling me a stalker I tried to tell him that was concern for his safety incase somethg happenedAnd why is he letting his family get in our business and embrassed me Like that I've been ignoring his text messages and not respondedI'm gonna give him silent treatment for a while .
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He needs to understand that you care about him. He misinterprets caring as a negative thing. You need to explain I care about you and your safety and you turn it around like it is a bad thing. This is good that he is now finally leaving. I think the reason why he makes a scene is because he has so much pressure on him that he takes it bourbon the one he lives the most because he knows you understand him. He is saying negative things because he is upset over everything, he couldn't even leave on time because his sister decided to use his time. That was not considerate of what he had to do plus she kept you both apart longer. That should have not happened now he is tired traveling.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hes on the road now hes in Oregon and keeping me posted every hundred miles and says he loves me every-time he tells me his miles and he asked me on his way back from north Carolina if i wanna fly out to Seattle and we can have dinner and meet up at the airport at the sky tower and that he also wants to spend another week in the bay with his family and when i fly out i can ride back with him on the road


i think hes feeling a little guilty and i think when he gets to NC hes gonna fly me out to be with him he seems a little lonely and stressed out and needs a support system he knows that his childs mom and her husband and his daughter gonna be together all the time when they meet up and hes gonna be a thrid wheel.


 


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I feel it would be good if he would let you come out. I think now that he has time to think by himself and is away from the stress of his sister, that he is clear minded and is thinking about how much he loves you. Now he wants you to come out to be with you in Seattle which would be a nice trip for you both. I feel that he needs your support and now understands you are only trying to support his decisions and be very understanding.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes and he calls and texts more often


he is having car trouble and is stuck in washington right now his muffler was put on backwards and hes at his brstfreind house trying to fix the situation and getting a little frustrated


he should make it there on tuesday he said hes gonna have a serious talk with his childs mom and let her know how much he had to go threw to see his child and she needs to let

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I agree she does need to know what it took too see his daughter. It is good that he realized now that there was a problem with the muffler before it became more of a problem later. That is good now he is in contact with you calling and texting. I think he realizes now that you are worried about him so he now knows to check in with you so you do not worry. He should tell the mother of his child that he had to fix so much on his car just to get there. He also had to spend time away from you and his life back home.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hes gonna fly me out to NC Carolina after he get there and get settled in


he bought my ticket today one way to NC im gonna fly out 9 nine days after him and i will get to meet his daughter than were gonna go up north too see his family for a few days together and drive cross country together i don't know what made him change his mind but he did we could of just flew together at first smh i will be flying out on the 23rd of June. i never flew before either a little nervous but also excited to see him and meet his child hopefully his child mom do-sent get jealous and wont let the child around me and him together.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
This is great news, I feel this is a wonderful idea because he needs support and the best person to give him this support is you. This shows me that you are who he goes to when he needs support. This shows me his love for you is very strong. Even though at times he wants to fight back and I feel that is because he knows you are right, so in defense he gets defensive. But he knows you are always looking out for his best interest. This is going to be a very exciting experience for you, you get to meet his child and a first time flying. Don't be nervous about flying, it goes by so fast it feel like your in the air for a short time. Make sure you bring something to do on the the plan, music, reading material, it will help keep your mind off things. I hope that the mother of the hold is considerate and understands that he has a life with you and needs to meet you as well. Some people are very understanding of the others persons partner. I think the reason why he did not take you in the beginning is he needed that time to think about what he wanted to do when it came to his daughter. I feel that all your positive support made him realize that you were there through it all no matter what. I think you both will have a very exciting trip and it will give you both a change to work things out with his daughter, he needs you right now and you are a very supportive person.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

im emotionally overwhelemed


 


 


yesterday he posted on his facebook wall post


that he got to visit his old airforce base and that what he wouldnt give to


be with his giy freinds and the girls out there


i feel he should of said what he wouldnt give to see his fiance it spunds like he wants to be single at times and thats dusrespectful.too me

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I feel that this trip is him just reminiscing and thinking about his life. He seems to be going through an adjustment period in his life. He is looking back at the past when things were not so complicated for him. This is very normal to go back to the past to a time when he felt secure and comfortable. Some times people go back to childhood where they felt safe and secure. When you become an adult so much responsibility happens people do not often enjoy life and what they have, life just gets in the way. He is going though a time where he is confused and is try to straighten things out with his daughter. The air force was that time where he felt secure. I do agree that he should have also said how much he loved and missed you, but I feel he wants to tell you in person how much you mean too him. I feel right now he is just going through a con fusing time in his life. But I feel that he knows who the most impotent person is in his life that is always there for him and that is you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i understand but bringing up women from his pasti dont like that and hrs driving only threw idaho he still havmt made it to Nc hes beenn on the road since sat to get there and had car trouble twice and hes sleeoing in his car to rest cause his funds or low i havnt herd from him since 5 pm yesterday .

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I would keep trying to get a hold of him just to make sure everything is ok, he might be having trouble with contacting you, but I am sure you will hear from him soon. Him bringing up the women in his past he might have been just talking about all friends in general women and men. If he is communicating on Facebook I would also message him there or in an email. This way in case he can not call for some reason, he will talk too you through Facebook. I would message him that you are worried.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
CaNt get a hold of him still threw facebook or threw phone and etc
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Do you know if anyone has been able to contact him, his sister maybe. I would try to see if he has talked with anyone since you last hear from him. It is just a good idea as well to just tell him family telling them you have not heard from him and if they could let you know if they hear from him at all, you were just worried about him. There might be a problem with his phone. Today pay phones are not easy to find because cellphone took over and if he is not in a hotel he can not use the phone. He might be having trouble contacting you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he had no reception i got a hold of him.


were incerpible again i cant wait until i fly


out to see him on the 23


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I am so glad you got a hold of him. That is hard not to hear from someone, but different states have different reception. You fly out on the 23. This will be good for you and him. He will be there and settled a little bit and then he will see you and be so happy that you are there to support him. The 23 will be here before you know it and it give you time to plan a nice trip.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i know im so excited and i miss him so much


im gonna make a scene at the airport and run and jump into his arms lol ......

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
It is now getting very close to your trip. I am sure you are preparing and getting more and more excited about going. I love what you said that you are going to make a scene. That is good because he will see how much you love him and missed him since he left. He will also see that you have been very patient and understanding you have been.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

the trip was fun and exciting , i met his daughter and i got to fly for the first time and site see

but what i dont understand is before the trip

he spent a week and two days up north with his sister than on the way back from our trip he stopped by there for a day and catered to his sister needs she has a husband who disent work and is retried with good pay , before wr left that day she called my fiance and said het brother in law needs his car fix and russell just drove 3000 miles cross country to his daughter he drove back 3000 miles thanhe was home for a week and now back down in the bay for almost a week to attend to his sister needs and her in laws and he dosent work any where and is paying three hundred in gas there and back and they are only gonna give him something for working on the car and his arm is injured and swells when he drives he needs to tell her no and dosent and its bothering me.and keeping us aprt

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your question. I am so glad you had such a great time and you got to meet his daughter it sounds like an amazing trip. But again his sister seems to be interfering. Some times in families there is one that needs a lot of help and the other sibling feels the need to help. This probably has been going on since they were kids. He might have always had to take care of his sister. This is what you want to find out. You want to look at more of what his childhood was like because tis helps analyze what causes him to run to his sister's side every time she needs something. Some times it can be about guilt, she could be controlling. She could put him on guilt trips and he feels bad. He seems to be the type of person that would help others because he feels bad like he feels the need to help when others ask him. I don't believe he can say no. I think he would feel to guilty. But his sister also has to think of him, he just traveled for a long time and now he has to help her again. He also does not have the money to keep making these trips. But I feel like she knows he will always help her. I would talk too him about it so you can get an idea why he doesn't say no too her. Ask about how they grew up and if she always took care of him or did he take care of her. Age also plays a factor if he is older or she is older. I think he just doesn't like disappointing her and would feel bad if he could not help her. He is willing to drive there and help her for a week, so I feel trying to understand why he does this has something to do with how they we raised.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

his mother was a drug dependant person


they went from foster home than to there grandparents


house his mom passed when he was thrity


his sister has been married once commited adultry


and has two kids and two by her new husband, he is retried and makes good pay and dosent help her much just fiancially i dont really like going down there with him because the drive is to long and he wants to crash at his sister house and its fifthy when i say something he says im complaing and its somewhere to sleep and he save 49 bucks on a room i have told him over and over again shes messing up or relationship and hes mote there than here and he even put off a job intetveiw and resumefor his sisters husbands brothers car he has no job either and low on money and has a injured arm from a year ago hes noy suppose to be doing heavy work like that no more shes taking advantage and its wtong she has a husband and my fiance is there more than here and he nrrds to realize shes about to damage a 6 yr realtionship because he cant say no....she had him working onetime in 112 weather at the barn dweating to death.....

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
That explains a lot they always relied on each other because they were placed in foster care and then to the grandmothers they never had anyone but each other. So now I feel because they had a rough life he feels he needs to help her all the time. I agree with this being a problem because it is pulling time away from you and him. That is hard to stay at his sisters when it is not clean also I'm sure it is hard not to tell his sister how you feel. So it puts you in a difficult position in this situation. He I feel doesn't see that he also needs to think of himself and not be jepodizing his life to go do all these things. What is he going to do when he can't go he has to tell her now that he has things he needs to do in life that are really important. She does not seem to see he has a life of his own.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes had a rougher child hood than


him and been in foster care and me and brother are close and i know when to say no


he always want me to say no and sacrifice my family


for him and he can never say no to his sister and her in laws i worry about him being stable and he blew all his settlement and needs to be looking for a job instead hes catering to his sister in law needs for her


and her realtionship with her husband isnt good because she commited adultry he only help her finacially they dont even sleep in the same bed and shrs taking my time away from my fiance and hes puttong his priorites last and i might tell her if he dont and shes selfish causing us to argue and fight he was homeless and broke once and his family wouldnt even help him there not gonna pay his rent or bills are find him a job hes goes up north constantly and i have kids and a life at home i cant always go and sometimes i go and his sister kinda act like she cant speak first or say hi and be lookimg surprised when i walk in the door behind him i have expressed the way i feel about the whole sistuation and told him that its putting a told on our relationship

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
The sister seems to rely a lot on him because she has no one to help her. I feel that her husband has check out of the relationship because she cheated on him. I think he just has shut down because he has been hurt. He is going through the healing process and I feel he feels like he does not need to help her with things. So his sister has no one but him to come up and help. But she needs to know that there will be times where he can not just run up there. You mentioned you and your brother are close and I feel if you say no to your brother he understands because he thinks of you. His sister is thinking of herself and doesn't understand that he can not always run up there. What is he going to do when he can't go up there. This is taking away from your relationship with him. When you do go up there she is surprised because she now can not get away with all the things she does. She knows that you keep him balanced and he listens to your opinion so she can not get away with much when you are there, so that is why she acts that way.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes i strongly agree he was suppose to be out there until weds i herd his sister asking him to help her build another stall for her horses

and he is trying to ix a car and work on her needs at the same time she herd me on the phone with him and he kept saying i gotta get home and she was still asking for his help she herd me asking when hes coming home its causing fights and arguments in our relationship

and i keep telling him and thats what i said when he cant run up there than what ...and further more he puts of what he came to do for her he never ever tells her no ! his sister husband is not right and her relationship is messed up and so take my fiance and make him drive 6 hours from home and help you and your husbands in laws , watch before he lives to come home she gone be asking him when he coming back shes gonna think of something i said when he does hes can take his belongings and not come back there, he cant even live with his family one time his has been homeless and couldn't go to them he was 60 short on his rent and couldn't go to them is no! talking too him and no communication in this relationship his sister has him so wrapped around his finger and i sick of it he said after this he want go up north for a while

that witch will think of something and like i said shes the reason while he still not home yet shes over working him and keeping him around for her needs shes do-sent want us happy or together he quick enough to tell me off and say im needy but will never tell his sister he says that his sister don't make him feel guilty so that's why he helps her yeah that's why he can never say no to her and hes been gone for six days straight than before that he went may 25 threw the 28 and than he went from June 1 threw the 8th than from the 31 - 2 i was with him that time now you went from July 7 th and to the 12th the majority of the time im home by myself while hes up there helping her and sitting under her like a lost puppy . than he was in Carolina by himself for almost two weeks before i met up with him than we get back home for a week and she called and asking and he left soon as she called and says he don't go up there often and that that's why he help his family so much , he never ever bash hsi sister and tell her off like he do me when i ask him for something

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
The reason why he has no problem telling you how he feels is because he knows if he tell you off you will understand. People tend to take their frustrations out on the people they love the most because they know they will understand. He will not do this to his sister because he is afraid to hurt her feelings. He will keep running up there over and over again trying to help her because he feels she can not do these things herself. But she is asking for a lot and does not think of him or you. The reason why this causes arguments is he is fist rated that he can not say no so when you ask when he is coming home he gets upset because he wants to be home with you, but does not know how to say no, so it gets him upset. He says he is not up there often but he has been lately. He can't keep driving 6 hours this is going to wear him out.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes he does he dosent have no job


and blew his settlement and trying to get joint custody


of his daughter he is very unstable and putting his needs of to


be hero up north and he owes back pay child support


and pay it he wasted a week trying to play hero and needs to be looking for a job.he just told me thats i try to munipulate him and make him.feel gulity i told him i love him and hopefully when hes into a bad situation i hope they come rescue himand for now own when he needs help to ask his familythe ones he run to and drivr six hours for and do everything they ask for now own lets see if they drive six hours for him and those people are his sistwr husbands family not his bilogical family only his sister and grandfather and one xousin name jason and jasmine is his family out there

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He said you try to manipulate him and make him feel guilty but that is not what you ate doing. You are looking out for his best interest. How you should of answered that was by saying that he is mistaking your caring as something negative when you are only trying to make him see some times it is ok to think of himself. He does not want to be behind on child support that is something he needs to try to fix right away. I want you to try to point things out a little different. You need to show him what his sister is doing without telling him directly what she is doing. I want you to approach this on a new way. Try this tell him that he has such a big heart and is very thoughtful in helping his sister. Tell him that he is willing to drive 6 hours to help his sister and take his time to sacrifice for his sisters needs and explain too him that that takes someone with a big heart. You want to point things out in that way so he sees what he is giving up all the time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i have put it in that way and he says


his family is where his heart is, i just told him


i hope for now on when u need something


they help you because im not anymore


he said im just trying to rush him home for my needs


and the sad part about is i havnt seen him in six days he should be rushing home to see me but i guess that dosent matter to him


he says that he misses me but not my opinons cause it causes drama


and hangs up the phone.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
That was good that he said he misses you and he was very direct that he does not like your opinions, so he can separate his feelings which is good. People often say I love you, but not the way you are behaving. You need to tell him it is not about your needs it is about missing him and wanting him home. He seems to twist everything you say into a negative thing. He is very confused about how much you care and looks at it in his own way. He has to stop doing that and you need to tell him that you are getting yelled at because you care.Now you mentioned you would not help him anymore so I am sure he is scared and upset that he has caused a huge problem with you and him. So in order to derail with it he hung up the phone. Then after 20 minutes he is going to be worried he upset the one person he loves and cares about. I think he knows you care about him, but gets angry maybe because you are that only one that thinks of him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes this moring he got mad at me for


telling him child support can take his taxes


for child support and said i was making excuses for him not to use my kids on his taxes and that he knows he has a child custody case going on i told him to even ask his lawyer he went off on me hard

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
One thing he needs to know is he can not be behind on his child support. That should be his first propriety. It's a law that he must pay child support. He needs not to get to far behind. Make sure he listens too you on this one. Tell him look it up of what the consequences are for not paying. He knows this is something he needs to take car off.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

if i do im starting drama andhe dont wanna here it


and thats that i will no longer try to help him he will learn the hard way...for now own


i will focous on me and my kids and myself

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He really does seem to take you in the wrong way. You are trying to help him and he sees it as drama. He Is totally wrong. You need to make him think like he figured it out because he does not take your advice at all. I do agree you need to think of you and your kids and let him find his way. Because he is not going to see your point of view.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

exactly and he has lost his support system with his case with his child and im not gonna get involved anymore


and he still attending to his sister needs and not home he say he leaving today and we can go night swimming but he still hasnt left yet smh ...

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I would try to plan a nice night with him so that he know when he comes home you will be excited to see him. Ask him how was his trip and just plan a nice night together. He needs to learn these things on his own it looks like because he gets upset then he is fine later, so he knows you are right and then pushes it aside and want to go night swimming. I would plan that swim and take the time just to spend time together.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok i will

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok i will i reveive a call from him


hes still helping his sister at the barn.no.night


swimming tonight he also got his car mirror torn off by


another driver and it happend on the way to help his sister at.the barn


its time for me to.walk away.from this relationship


im not happy he.puts her first and ive been.home by.myself for seven days and im bored and lonely and he disent really care all he knows is his sister needs and forget mines im.about to cry myself to sleep i dont know when he will ever come.home everyday is something else with his suster goodnight

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I don't want you to give up just yet. This is exactly the problem is he does all these things for his sister and then his damages his car on the way to help her. I understand you are not happy because he keeps telling you he is coming home and he doesn't come home. He is creating a lot of broken promises. I want you to not respond when he says he is coming home. I want you to just tell him you are going about your life and that so much time has passed that you are not waiting for him. He needs to be honest and tell you when he is coming home. You waited all might for him to go swimming and he disappoints you. This is not fair too you and I would tomorrow go about your business and when he says he is coming home tell him take his time that you are fine and living your life. I think he will get nervous that you no longer care if he comes home.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thats karma from doing me wrong with his sister and he said see what happends when you try to help someone i didnt say nothing and he said he gone leave after he eat and shower he will call me when he hit the road he said he wont go back up north for a while


he will make it by 4am in the moring.


when.he was suppose to been left.he got his car damage


for his sister smh

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like he has learned his lesson because he said he will not be going up there for a while. I think when he broke his mirror he realized that he can no longer do this, so he will be home around 4am so you will have the day tomorrow when he wakes up. I think he finally realized that he needs to be home and not keep running up there.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes trying to help his sister


he got his car damaged


he said he might have to go to court


out there for his accident it was a hit and run


if the cops found out who did it thats why he needs to sit down and see his sister aint gone get his mirrior fixed on his car he needs 300 bucks to fix his side mirriot


because she showed up to the barn late and not with all rhe parts he had to go back and fix it and ended uo in a accident he was suppose to leave earilet that day but ended up staying longer to help her and ser whay happends smh like i said none of his family helped him smh.......

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I think the accident made him realize he has been doing the wrong thing. Things will be better now that he will be finally home and he can talk about his trip. I really do think he knows that he needs to think of you and staying home and not running to his sisters needs because he now see what can happen. He now has more expences that he has to deal with. Trying to help his sister ended up costing him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes i totally agree


and he said he wont go that way for a while


unless it has to do with alot cars needing work done and is worth the labor money and drive and trip


he said he was wore out with his sisters brother in laws dads car


it took almost a week just to shuffle too both of there needs

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He really pus a lot of pressure on himself to please everyone, but he needs to take some times for you and him. It would be nice for you and him to take that time together to just relax because so much has happened, you both need a break for all these problems. He needs to remember that everyone's problems are not his problems.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he learned this time lol


it took his car to be wrecked and


his time he was so exhausted


when he got back and was happy to see me.


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
That is great that he is home and was so glad to see you. It sounds like he will not be going away from a while. I think he finally saw that helping someone else he suffered and now has to fix his car. Now has you both can spend time with each other.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he mighy have to go back for a police


line up for the hit and run accident


ew he didnt say when but he said it wull be like for


two days his sister is gonna find away to.make it more than two days for her needs i might go with him too make sure she dontt take advantage


and he comes home i might go and get a room

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I really think you should go with him on this trip. The reason is I think he needs your support. That is going to be hard for him to do all that and he will be upset. Then you can not predict what his sister is going to have him do, so you want to be there. I like the idea of you getting a room because you want to feel comfortable on your trip. If you are there i feel you will be able to balance things out where his sister can not take advantage of him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok hopefully i can go and i have a babysitter . he really dont have the gas money and school is about to start fir him if he miss the first day he will be dropped the officers are not sating they guranteed that he will win because its his word against the guy the guy us saying he did it and i believe the guy has no insurance and he found of his child mom has a lawyer for the joint xustody case and he running out of lawyer fees and she has 30 days to respond to hissummons annd his lawyer is xharging him by the hour he has no money and blew all of his settlement only his rent money and if hr get dropped from his classes he wont receive his va money an he needs his sxchool money for rent and bills unntil he finds a job he has to livr off his ffiancial aid and student loans but iff hemiss the first days for a police line up he will get dropped from his classes aall because he tried to help his sister that day shes messing up his life and causing negitive problems in his life

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He needs to see the person that is looking out for him and is trying to help him is you. You are there for him through all these problems he is having and all his sister is doing is asking for his help and burdening him even more. He has to tell her he can not do this anymore. School is so important and he needs to really try not to miss that first day because that will effect his life. It is very important that he follows through on looking at the line up and his sister needs to see that he is not going up there to help her he is there to straight that happened out. Money is a big problem for him right now and he must be under so much stress with all that is happening. He is trying to get joint custody. Some times in joint custody cases you do not have to have a lawyer, you just go into a mediator and discuss your case and they write up an agreement. The the judge will finalize the case. He might have to go back more than once, but they will come to some sort of agreement for him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

im gonna go with him


and we gone leave sat and return monday


and make sure we head back .

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Oh that is good that you are going he needs you with him. This way you can make sure he makes it back. I am sure he is happy you are going with him. He needs some support right now and he also needs someone to tell his sister that he's going through a tough time and needs support. Once all this is over I feel he will be able to concentrate more on his life and yours. Right now he has so much going on and he is overwhelmed. Some times things happen in life that you have to get through but after everything is over people often look at who stood by them through it all and their perspective changed in life. He is going to see who was there supporting him and that is you. Have a safe trip and I am here if you have any questions.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he said at first he didnt invite me cause his sister said when i come with him i be rushinf ihim home she has the nerves and the lazu fat husband of hers i told him they just wanna take advantage we had git into a huge arguement about this and he broke up with me and than the next day we git back together and my blood pressure wad really high and i.had to go to the er im ok now and eee ate back together and were mellow now

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I am glad that you are ok and one thing you do not want his your blood pressure high. You want to try to get rid of stress and you both need to discuss things so that this never happens again. Even though you are right and his sites should never be saying anything about you. The reason why you rush him home is because he has obligations that he needs to attend to. His sister wants him to stay because she wants him to do work for her, so she is not thinking of him at all. You can not let his sister divide the relationship. Every time his sister says something too him, you just simple say wow, that was not very nice. This way he will see that his sister should not be saying things. If you do not comment on it then he will only see his sister has the person being the problem. When he said about he didn't' invite you, you just say that I felt you need support and I wanted to be there for you. You need to think of yourself right now, you can not have your blood pressure up so you both need to discuss things calmly. Some times people can not think clear if things are pointed out, but over time people will learn on their own that they are not being supportive of them and see who is supporting them.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Lately I've been feeling inscure


And havnt really been getting no affectionate


In my relationship and my sex life is not great


I understand hes stressed out with looking for a job and school about too start and hes going threw a joint custody case with his child mom ive been there for him and try to get him to communicate but he barley opens up , I cook clean cater to him show him affectionate , I even dress up nice and have a nice slim figure he dosent compliment he shows jealously and gets a little possive when other men show interest I understand hes stressed out but he shouldn't neglect me in the process his 8 yr old daughter disrespects him talk backs give him additude and calls her step father dad and him by his name he wants visitation s with a child that dosent wanna except


him but he needs to understand he made it that way hes about too loose me too

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
The reason for his jealousy and some times possessiveness is because he loves you so much he does not want to lose you to someone else. The reason for him not being affectionate is due to stress. He can not think of anything else but the problems he is facing. It is not able to focus on anything else. But he needs to accept that there are things you can control and things you can not. He is trying to get visitation and it might take some time but he needs to stay positive. You should not feel insecure because he is just not able to focus on the affectionate part of the relationship. He needs someone to listen and you are always there for him. He holds everything in and he needs to talk in order to feel better. I feel that you need to talk about him not being affectionate because he needs to know that you also have wants and needs in this relationship. Relationships need communication so that each person knows how the other one feels. You will be able to help him if he opens up and he needs to understand it helps to talk things out. He is going though a lot right now but he needs to talk that time to not think of things and just you and him have a nice night.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I asked him are you ok ? Or do you wanna talk about it


And he says stuff about his daughter not wanting to be in his life and how she dosent respect him and its his fault he waited five yrs to be a father and she has no concern for him I told him before your priorities were out of order , he should always put me and his child first he went out there and spent 3,000 dallors on his child trying to buy her after that she didnt want to have nothing to do with him and when he calls her she gives him additude and disrespect . He got his car hit on the side by a drunk driver because he kept running up north to cater to his sister than he sat down after that , than school is about to start hes trying to find a job around his school schedule but because of his workers comp case nobody wants to hire him in that field and he keeps trying to be in the same career with that injured arm he cant do what he use to do nomore I told him he needs to pick a whole new career and start over.far as affection goes no hugs are kisses when he goes some where he tells me where hes going and when he will be back and far as sex he says sex is nit based on a relationship I told him I wouldn't know because ours went Down hill im 31 hes 38 he knows whats going on and yet hes neglecting my feelings and needs in the relationship and its not right when im stressed I dont neglect him sometimes at night he cuddles with me in bed when I cook for him he says oh you dont have to do that or when I massage his shoulder he dont even say thank you im just not gonna care no more and stop puutting so much effort into it

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He waited five years to be a part of his daughters life and it is going to take time to adjust. His daughter is all new too this and she does not know what is going to happen. She is being disrespectful because she has a lot of feelings that she needs to talk about. I am sure she has many questions she would like to ask him. So he should start by talking with her and ask her if she has any questions. Once he spent all that money she seem to just be done with him and I feel that she just figured she would not see him again. She does not realize that he is fighting for visitation so he can be a part of his life. He is basically saying to you that his relationship with you is not based on affection all the time. I know it sounds like it's not a good thing, but what he is trying to say is that you mean more too him then anything and that your relationship has many positive pieces. He does not just see you as a beautiful person on the outside he sees you as a beautiful person on the inside and out. Just you being in the room is all he needs. He seems to appreciate the things you do for him, so he is grateful for all the things you do. He does notice. But he also has to look at what you need in the relationship it has to be 50/50. If you are giving then he needs to give as well. He needs to not get consumed by all his problems and love you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Sometimes he gets angry and upset when I tell him hes being selfish ans he gets a guilty conscious and tells me that he dosent see a future with me than an hour later im his finance we havnt had an argument in a while and he says he stays because he loves me but he needs to stop using that as a threat that makes me feel inscure sometimes I do recommend that thearphy before marriage his ex wives emotional abused him cheated on him and his mother wasnt a good one either or in his life he been divorce twice and because or adultery from them his wives and other women have dated aborted his kids he was suppose to have four kids and only got one im thinking about giving him one but when I feel more security in the relationship

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
He has had a tough time in relationships and I am sure there is times where he steps back a little out of fear of getting hurt or losing you. This could be why he is not always affectionate because he is afraid to fully let his guard down. When he says things like he does not see a future with you, that is him protecting himself from you coming out and saying that you are leaving, so he says it first. I would not even listen to that statement because the is something he says that just is not true, he is not going anywhere, he loves you. It must be very hard for him to trust in a relationship as well. He also must have trouble understanding why you forgive him all the time and why you are constantly their for him because I feel he never had that in his life. He is adjusting to someone that truly cares about him and I bet that scares him.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He is being more affectionate now and we have been very intimate now


Guess he seen how he was losing me and started to realize that he see what it feels like to shut someone out and not care anymore so I guess he picked it up from the demeanor I had .its like he's a new person I told him when ure stressed and your hands are tied there's nothing you can do about certain thing's but wait fir thevout come are he was gone make himself sick.he communicating a lil more also I think hes also bipolar iam and he has all the symptoms lol but I never negeclt his needs when I do have an episode or stresseful times . Some people dont realize what they got until its gone. And I dont think hes joint custody case gonna go threw hes not fiancially stable and dosent have the money to pay for plane tickets for visitations I told him to apply for state disability for his injured arm he still trying to work in the Same car business and nobody wont higher him with a workers comp settlement case and his arm is a liability his child mom said her daughter gonna tell the judge shes uncomfortable and dosent know him and dont wanna come to cali to visit and his lawyers said hopefully the judge isnt bipolar after he paid his attorney s 3,500 I told him I support him but dont put to much into it.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your question. Often times people after they go through so much. They realize that the person that has stood by them through it all was there. You have stood by him through it all and he realizes that you have gone through so much with him. He now knows that he needs to focus on his relationship with you. Some times people do not see things clear when they are going through so much, but what they do see is when things settle down a little and things become clearer they know who was there. He knew that you have been waiting for him to see that he needs to take that time for your wants and needs. The custody battle is something where the court will make a decision that is best for the child. You just want to give him hope that things will work out. It might take some time to get visitations and it could be draining, but tell him to just think positive. A lot has happened too him all at once, He's trying to get a new job, visitations, and he was helping his sister. He needs to take a rest and think about what is the best decision for you and him. If no one will hire him, then he might need to consider a job change. I know it is hard for him to give up a career he has had, but he might find something he loves to do. He just has to keep trying to see what else he feels he would like to do. He just has so much going on right now, but he now knows that you are always there for him.
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Customer: replied 12 months ago.

His sister called him and told him that shes been kicked off the ranch which she rents out for 300 a month because she dont keep her area clean and he and I went out there recently and helped her install all those stalls for the horses she wants Russell my fiance to come down next weekend and take them down and rebuild them at the new ranch she s gonna rent from somebody again I told him you have a injured arm already got into an accident last time and got your car hit and he still insist he drive 12 hours and pay 300 in gas money out of his pocket with no job and go help her again he figured since she has his dog and trying to find it a home and have 4 kids and two disabled and a husband who wont help her he should are he fells gulity she keeps on breeding goats and horses and her husband told her that he not dealing with her and all those animals and she said she gone get rid of some of them I told my fiance she needs to sell those animals and attend to her kids she knows he wont say no she keeps calling him and he just wont say no he dosent have reliable transportation are the money for that and im not going because when I do he disrespect me infront of her and when she over exhaust him he takes it out on me and the sleeping arrangements or terrible and he dont get a room cause he spends all his money on gas she dont reimburset him for it and she knows his arm is injured he comes home broke a In pain and takes it out on me she is causing issues again in our relationship and he obviously putting her and some farm animals before me and his priorities and im so...sick of it hes a fool for her nobody else not even her husband wont do it he told me he wasn't gone go up there for a while and when she call he goes im just at wit ends something bads gotta happend for him to understand and its gonna be he 're tare his injured arm or his car gone break down or hes gonna get into another accident he should of learn the first time im gonna stay home and stay out of it And not care anymore im gone tell him for now own to call his sister when hes broke and hurt and stressed out im so sick of her and his bullshit over horses and goats and dogshis health and fiances are way much important than that and he obviously put all this before me and his well being.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 12 months ago.
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Customer: replied 12 months ago.

He always comming to her rescue thats why she never gonna learn or make her husband do anything why should he when hes her fool and drive 12 hours to help her and spend 300 in gas money and help her with a crippling arm I have discuss the issue with him many time before he don't get it and it causes an argument his sister's is gonna be the reason our relationship is down falling she dont have one or knows how to respect one sometimes I feel like telling her about herself but im not gonna get into it with her he keeps leaving home for day's to attend to her and now he says he wanna move up tthere in 8 months all my support is up here he dosent even have a job im not moving up there so he can attend to her needs he wont even relocate for his daugter I don't understand why he do this for her he put his daughter and me before her and he put his priorities to the side im so sick of this its putting a emotional qnd stress factor on me and I dont go with him anymore because I cant stand her anymore and how she uses him and I hate her for causing a constant gap in our relationship she know what shes doing ans he needs to put me first and when ever we talk about it im wrong and thats his sister and hes gonna help her im abt too walk away from this relationships I'm so tried of this and when he goes im not gonna answer my phone or none of his calls im giving him the silent treatment until he gets back . Its not ok what hes doing.

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Customer: replied 12 months ago.

I asked him yesterday why he keep attending to her like that he said she helped him over the years and that is a lie . I told him im gone take that answer with a grain of salt I said that you need to stop because its the husbandons responsibility not yours they give u know gas money and you drive 12 hrs he told me dont worry about his money its comming out of his pocket and where he goes shouldnt be a problem I told him he is in a commited long term relationship and what effects him financially effects me and the both of us vice versa he said that well his sister dont beg him for stuff like I do so he helps her when he goes dow there I will not answer his phone calls are text and im gonna give him the silent treatment so he can see and feel whats it like to be ignored with feelings and not care he will be very angry and frustrated about this and hurry home to see whats going on if he was at home im gone tell him u would have knowed and hes putting some horses and goats before me and his health and finances I asked him why dont she higher somebody to help her he said oh shes gonna sell some of the animals with an additude im gonna tell him today maybe he should move up there with her and live with her so he can cater to her for the rest of his life and im gonna move on im too young for this he almost 39 and im 30 and he obvious has priority issues and he seems like he aint gone change are tell her no. And he wouldn't like if I told her how I feel and what she should do.because I will tell her about her self his family never came out here or helped him he been broke homeless and injured and he still do it for her. because she has his dog and the husband told her to get rid of the dogs before they get evicted she keeps saying she gone find them a home and dosent she makes him feel guilty with the dog I lost all respect for her and I dont like her anymore and wont go to her house if he gets a hotel room other than that im not going don't even wanna be in her presence and he felt guilty last night and went off on me every time he goes out the there he will be ignored to me like he does my feelings.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 12 months ago.
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Customer: replied 12 months ago.

I have and he also working on his freind transmission trying to go to class all week during the day than on friday drive six hours up north and help his sister tear down iron fences and rebulid them and than drive back another 6 hours than come home and go to school that moring im gone leave it alone and hopefully he will learn the hard way like re tearing his injured arm or damaging his car again he got hit by a drunk driver the last time attend ing to her and his side view mirror got knocked off she didnt offer to pay to fux it' or no gas money for him to come back down to the do police line up he was on his way to the barn to help her when it happened and he says she there for him that's a joke. Theres so many red flags with him keep going up there and he wont stop he gone have to learn the hard way its gone take something very bad to happen for him to get it. And to stop catering to her.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Yes he drive 6 hour s to tear down iron fences for that are heavy and has to take them to another location and rebuild them for her in all that heat he also have too do it on her time when hes down there and he has ti spend a couple days from home and if something happened s he is too far away and not to mention how frustrated he gets cause he dont wanna drive down there but he does it to satisfied her and she knows shes taking advantage of him and time from our relationship and she dont care because hers is screwed up and she dont have one and further more he can prevent all this and he chooses not too obviously this this is a fight im not gone win and im just not gonna care anymore say anything else about it too him are argue with him about it he dont care about my feelings and he obviously put her first before me which is so sad .... im making plans to leave him and start a New life with a man who really loves me and put me first I deserve so much better and everyone tells me all the time long as his sister got gia dog in her back yard she uses that as leverage


She keep saying she gone find his dog a home and havnt for a year now and animal control got involved and he had to pay a 400 dallor fee because his pitbull bit another dog and her husband is getting very frustrated with the dog and telling her to get rid of it and she just dragging it on and on.and she keep saying she knows an adoption place and wont do it.

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Customer: replied 10 months ago.

well my fiance is in school this semester and he got fiancial aid , applied for student loans which i applied both for him and did all the paper work


im a full time mom and cant work until after i get my surgery on my ankle and do physical therapy its from a slip and fall law suit im on a fixed income and he blew his settlement on basically nothing pretty much he really didnt think about me when he got that either what i dont understand is why when he get large amounts of money he dosent give me anything and buys himself things and rub it in my face if it wasnt for me he wouldn't have neither , but im gonna get my settlement soon i will do the same to him he will not know and i will focus on me and my kids.He dont tell me when he has a large amount of cash he hides it from me but i find out eventually he buys things like video games and dvd movies and buys things like rims for his cars and sound systems he almost 40 yrs old and wont grow up and he dont offer to buy me nothing or give me anything total he recived 8,000 plus his va check he gets every month for 500.00 i even got the papers for him to file for state disability because of his arm and his workers comp case he cant get a job nobody wont higher him one time he took me shopping when he got his settlement he spent 400 on me and 3,000 on his daughter who he has no relationship with and no respect for him . he ask me whats wrong and he already knows whats wrong i will do him the same way i cannot marry a man like this i jut cant im his last priorty and hes self righteous with money .

Customer: replied 10 months ago.

when he first got his settlement he went straight too his sister house up north , cash his settlement check for 22,000 gave me only 500 bucks came home for one week left drove across country visited all his army freinds and blew 3,500 driving cross country before he seen his daughter than a week later got to north carolina to visit his daughter spent 3,000 onher stayed for a week and flew me out and we stayed one day met his daughter at the car than drove cross country back home were he was complaing about the motel fees because he thought i was gone sleep in a car at a truck stop with him i told him we could of flew out for a week and flew back than we had to stop back at his sister house again because she have him wrapped around her finger than left from there made it home that was another 3,500 hundred than he got a lawyer trying to get join custody when hes doing out of dispite because his child mom is married andhappy and call another man her father and dosent respect him she havnt seen himin 8 yrs than he lives incaliforina shes in north carolina he dosent even pay child support calls her or skypes the child and told him she dont wanna come out here to visit and she dont know him further more he paid 4,000 for a laywer for a case he not gone win and has no job to get her from north carolina to cali on a plane tickets are expensive and he bought a bucket for 4,000 thats where his settlement went he has nothing to show for his child mother answer to his custody petition and the judge went in her favor and hes still trying to fight it when he has no contact with the child , his sister kinda forced him to do this and the sad part about is his family up north is kinda rascist his child is black and he wants to take her up there to satisfied his sister she dont call her or have no contact either send her nothing for bdays or xmas he put pics up on facebook his family didnt say nothing his grandfather is rascist and his brotherin law he has a handfull of blood realtives up there and the rest are his sister in laws his sister neighbor is a skin head and he want me to be comfortable at her house and sleep in fifthh when we can get a room thats why i dont go unless we get a room.i dont understand he said he would live up north by his sister but wont move to north carolina to be in his child life. he says his sister always there for him but im the one she just uses him until she cant no more and he got his car damaged for her she didnt offer to pay for nothing and he got toll fees from crossing to get into san fransico all this too help he even went in his daughters 500 savings account for gas money to go up north to help his sister he use 300 in gas his child's savings account is gone i told him shes using him and his arm is damaged and workers comp taking him back to court i think they been watching him work on cars while receiving benefits from them he hid that letter from me too . its says there asking for a hearing requiring a judge after his case was closed and settled hean ask his sister for support and i bet he gives her money he bee sending her 300 for the dogs saying its for dog food. smh but i will get my money soon and he will get a dose of his own medicine.

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