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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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I am looking for a clinician that is familiar with data related

Resolved Question:

I am looking for a clinician that is familiar with data related to behavioral signs that reflect if a relationship marriage should be salvaged. I want to know specifically if certain signs are indicative that a relationship / marriage should be saved and what they are?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I have over 10 years of experience helping people with marriage and relationship issues.

The biggest indication that a marriage can/should be salvaged is if both people are equally motivated to make the relationship work. Otherwise there really isn't a combination of behavioral signs that would be indicative of whether or not a relationship/marriage should be saved. Some marriages/relationships are able to overcome a lot of pain and trauma, where are other relationships are not able to be salvaged despite far less problems depending on the couple's motivation to work through the issues. Certain problems such as infidelity do make it much more difficult for relationships to recover, but no matter what, the biggest determining factor is generally going to be the motivation level of each person in the relationship to make it work. I hope I've been able to answer your question, and if there is anything else I can do to help you out please let me know.

Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Professional therapist
Ryan LCSW and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX would like to give you context and see what you think so my friend can email you later. He needsome serious objective advice. So him=52 married over 20 years to an attorney (43). Me= single39 and for the first time ever I am the other woman:(. They have a 6 yr old adopted daughter. The mother and daughter reside mostly in florida during the year, he visits every 10 days. They have two homes. Previously a multi millionaire. He got his butt. kicked and lost his business and stsrted a new one that she owns.. debt over 8 million. Affair just over a year. We do love each other:(. She is coming back with daughter from florida with daughter on thursday. I think she is in discovery mode and when she finds the tracks, its goibg to be a mess. He failed to tell me certain things about how 3asy ir would be to discover im clearing out of the line of fire wednesday and moving back to chicago. 1.5 hours away.. so... I or he would like to live chat with you later today.. we are both scared. I feel so bad for him and want whats right for all. Last part of question then more later. The have not had sex for over a year. Prior to that 1to 2x the previous year. Prior that year the same. He thought he didnt work". No self esteem, introverted, difficulties is even speaking to others. He trust me implicitly and even as his friend i am worried about him. On a survey he reported he stronly agreed that he was taken advantage of. Strongly agreed she showed contempt towards him, hevtried to talk about the lack of sex. She will not even let him touch her. He tried and she rejectshim.. anyway these are just some examples I see as harmful for him to stay in and NOT address. He does not want to work on thier issues at all. But he keeps thinking about their daughter. So pretty much his plan he has now is to have them come up from florida. Avoidance. But he is clear thst he does not want to work on thier issues. He loves me. I do live him but this is a mess. He is not going to be able to be wo me. He dies not want to stop the affair.. I explained we will not be having one as of her return on thursday. There will have to be an abrupt stop to "us". Last time he was away from me he was VERY depressed. I was too. Je is a sweet and fragile man. I believe there is some very mild autism features to him. Teaching hom to engage with the world again has been a pleasure. As he came so far. His self esteem, his ability to engage, his motivation to restart his other business which I helped guide him through. There is a strong bond between us. Hes scared but clear he does not want to work on thier issues. So, wheather I am here or not, to me it seems very clear his relationship is dead. Do you agree that baded on the information I provided inclusive if this embarrassing affair that it sound pretty far gone? (Keep in mind that she is an aggressive attorney and my worry is that when she gets here she 7ndoubtedly be in discovery mode which means, she can then serve him papers from florida and that will impact his divorce negatively) . inclusive of his relationship with his daughter. Florida law seems to allow item related to infidelity be subpeonad to the court. Which to me will fuel the fire on him in ways that are uneccessaily harmful to all. So there is some context. Sorry for the lenght. So based on just the indicators I gave you, inclusive of him not being motivated and her not seeming to be motivated, the relatiinship seems pretty toasted? Plese comment and respond. Also respond with time windows you may be available for on line chat with me, him or both. He needs a mans advice..and to prompt him that we cant all go on like this. Its not fair to anyone.he needs an objective reality check and soon as my belief is that hes looking at a potentially loadedscandelous painful divorce if he lives in avoidance. He needs a person to walk him through a decision tree

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 2 years ago.
Unfortunately avoidance is the major obstacle that is going to prevent him from working through these problems and being able to move forward with the relationship that you have together. If he is not motivated and she is not motivated to work on the problems that they have had in their relationship, then it is possible and not terribly uncommon for someone to resign themselves to a relationship that they are unhappy in, rather than to confront the problems or make the life changes necessary to create a happy life for themselves.

Sometimes, having experienced a positive and loving relationship like the one he has had with you can be enough to make him reconsider or reevaluate how he handles his relationship with wife once he is confronted with that reality on a day to day basis. Because of that, I wouldn't necessarily assume that your relationship is toasted, but it does sound like this may be a difficult thing for him to sort out and may take some time, especially if his natural instinct is to avoid conflict. It seems only reasonable to take some distance yourself once she moves up here, and that may help to give him some perspective and make some decisions, rather than continuing with the affair and risking him just continuing to avoid confronting the issue with his wife.

I would be happy to discuss this more later today with him or yourself or both. I can't always predict when I will be available for chat, but you can always message me in the same way you opened up this question and I will get back to you as soon as possible. If this has been helpful so far I'd appreciate it if you would leave me a positive review and we can pick up where we left off later on. Hang in there and we'll be in touch,

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I am thinking around 3 or 4 he will be here and able to
live chat. Im going to try and catch before. This situation is crazy. That
woman is going to bust him and its going to be a giant legal mess. His
avoidance is beyond typical baseline.

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