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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I need help dealing with my husband or getting out. We have

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I need help dealing with my husband or getting out. We have been together for 9 years and we have many issues. For a long time, I tolerated his behavior but it seems that each time I tolerate something the bad behavior gets worse to the point that I suppose I should leave. I have financial and emotional reasons to stay. A part of me would like to physically stay married but live separate lifes. But that seems crazy because I would like to love and be loved.
Here is a list of some of the behaviors I find intolerable.
He drinks daily from afternoon or early evening to 3 or 4 am. I go to bed around 11 so I rarely see him drunk but he typically consumes 1/2 liter of vodka a day or more.
He sleeps until noon or later and tells himself and others that his sleep disorder is medical. He can and will get up if there is something he wants to do or someone he doesn't want to know his sleep habits but he will not get up for anything I want to do.
He has started smoking marijuana regularly and keeps it at the house even though I asked him not to break the law.
He drives drunk even though he says he is not drunk.
He has not bought me a gift - birthday, christmas, valentine's day, etc since the second year of our relationship.
He does almost nothing around the house even though he is retired and at home all day.
I have been away taking care of my Mom who is dying and he has been going out every night. When he was telling me about his new friends, I mentioned that one of the women has a poor reputation. He told me she already told him and that I was just jealous. I questioned why he would be discussing her reputation and it turns out he has had her up to the house as he needed a house-keeper.
We ordered new furniture and when there was a problem with it that he said he would handle, I had to handle it because 6 month of him doing nothing had passed.
When I get angry, he refuses to speak to me for days. He is sarcastic, intentionally rude and arrogant, and he makes out like the problem is me.
Etc, etc, etc.
I have pretty much given up. A few days ago, he emailed me like nothing had happened and wanted to know how everything is. I told him I am unwilling to pretend everything is fine and how hurt and angry I am.
I would like him to change. Once a year or so, he does give up drinking for a month or so and last year he agreed to go to a counsellor and we did make some progress.
As I read this, I think I am crazy for tolerating this. Most of the time things are okay, just not close. I don’t respect him or admire him. I guess I keep thinking he will wake up one day and realize how good he has it and be appreciative and kind and loving and everything will be okay. But just okay is not okay, so what am I doing?????? I want and have a lot to offer in a healthy relationship. Can you help me put my thoughts together to set some boundaries and make a plan to have improvement or end this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
1810 Satisfied Customers
I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.