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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I caught my boyfriend texting with his ex fiance yesterday.

Resolved Question:

I caught my boyfriend texting with his ex fiance yesterday. He called her "my love" and said he wanted to "talk about what happened the other night." I was furious and beside myself after I had read this exchange. He broke up with me the other day because he felt pressure from me to get married and said that he doesn't want to marry someone that drinks too much, smokes pot and throws up. I have quit smoking on my own and have gotten a handle on my drinking. I will do whatever it takes to drop old habits that my loved one does not like. Now I'm afraid that I may have been cheated on but he continues to deny that anything happened. I'm not sure if I should trust that he is being honest or if he's just downright lying and that I need to move on. I really want to be able to trust him and make our relationship better. We have been going to a couples therapist and she suggested that I quit smoking if I want to save my relationship.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

If he has been going to couples therapy with you then I feel he wants this relationship to work. He is going because he does not want the relationship to end. But he is clearly saying too you about drinking and smoking being the problem and you have changed this and are still trying to quit things.

Deardebra :

You are trying and he should see that you are making a lot of effort to change.

Deardebra :

You both broke up because he does not want to marry someone that drinks and smokes so much. I want you to look at this in a new way. He cares about you and doesn't want to see you drinking and smoking so much. But how it comes across is

Deardebra :

him putting pressure on you and giving you choices in order to get married. He is telling you you need to change or he does not see you both getting married. But you are changing.

Deardebra :

This should be showing him that you love and care for him so much that you are willing to change in order not to lose him.

Deardebra :

I feel that he should not be talking to his ex at all because that is not fair too you. He needs to focus on you and his relationship.

Deardebra :

If he is talking too her about something that happened the other night and calling her my love then he is not focusing on his love for you. He should be paying attention too you and call you his love not his ex.

Deardebra :

I don't think he would like if you did that too him.

Deardebra :

I am sure he would not want you texting your ex and calling him my love.

Deardebra :

You had every right to be upset.

Deardebra :

He should have know that was the wrong thing to do when you both are trying to work things out. You do not need an interference of an ex in your life when you are trying to heal your relationship with each other.

Deardebra :

He is denying that anything has happened so you should believe him.

Deardebra :

I would trust that he is being honest and I feel that you should tell him that it is not fair too you to be talking to his ex and he should be working on things with you and him.

Deardebra :

You are trying really had to change and he should be helping you and supporting you in making these changes.

Customer:

How do you suggest that I tell him that I am changing and will to make our relationship good again? How do you suggest that I tell him that him talking to his ex and calling her my love is inappropriate?

Deardebra :

When it comes to you changing you have to show him that he has to see changes which i'm sure he sees these changes, but you have to prove yourself when it comes to that.

Deardebra :

Explain too him that you want to make your relationship good again like it use to be.

Deardebra :

Explain too him that you are going to try hard to keep this relationship going and that you both just need time.

Deardebra :

You need to tell him that you both need to be focused on the relationship.

Deardebra :

That his ex being in the picture is not the answer. She is his ex for a reason it did not work out. He is now in love with you and trying to work at this relationship. Tell him you need his full attention and understanding in order for this to work.

Deardebra :

A relationship is 50/50

Customer:

Ok. Do you think I should stop talking about marriage all together? Not bring it up anymore?

Deardebra :

I feel that you both should first work on what needs to be changed in the relationship, then you can discuss marriage later when the relationship is stronger.

Customer:

Ok. When I start feeling angry and losing control over myself, how should I keep calm? Also, I stayed at my friends house last night and he wants to talk tonight. He said that if we can't work it out, he will take me to my friends house as we share a car.

Deardebra :

Before you saying anything think about what you want to say in a calm way. In order to get your point across you need to get him to listen and the only way to do that is to tell him how you feel in a calm manner.

Deardebra :

If you feel yourself getting out of control take a minute collect your thoughts.

Deardebra :

You want this relationship to work so you want to stay calm and not let things bother you, you are here to work things out so communication is key to a relationship.

Deardebra :

You want to remain calm listen to what he has to say and he will listen to what you have to say. It is very clear that he wants this to work.

Customer:

Ok, thank you.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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