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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Help! My Husband wants legal separation because he says he

Resolved Question:

Help! My Husband wants legal separation because he says he has lost his love for me along the way and he hopes by us having legal separation he will miss me and it may or may not return him to our marriage. He goes through this very often of him not feeling happy and not sure if he wants to be married.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question

Deardebra :

I do not feel that him leaving is a good idea because this could either help or hurt the marriage.

Deardebra :

Some times what happens is the person leaves and gets use to being on their own and they go about their life adjusting to their new living arrangement. While others some times realize what they lost and want to come back right away.

Deardebra :

People do some times need space and feel that taking a break will bring back the spark they once had for each other. When a relationship gets routine it can often lose it's spark.

Deardebra :

When people first start dating they want to impress the person. But as the relationship progresses the person becomes comfortable. When people get married things become routine.

Customer:

Thanks you for your answer.

Deardebra :

You welcome, you want to try and get that spark back and the way to do that is to remember when you first started dating.

Deardebra :

It helps if you recreate the very first date that you had. This often reminds people why they fell in love.

Customer:

This all started about a month ago when he suddenly told me that he was not happy and he was not sure what he wants anymore. Could there be someone else that has caught his attention to cause him to suddenly realize this?

Deardebra :

I do not feel there is anyone else. I feel he might have been thinking about this for some time.

Deardebra :

It is common in marriage to go through times where you are confused.

Customer:

He did ask if we can date again, but then he just brushes it right off. Last night he said that I will not make him feel bad by crying so he can stay but I told him that was not my intention.

Deardebra :

He asked if you could date again, so he does not want to give up on his marriage, he wants it to work, but he feels there needs to be more time for you and him to focus on each other.

Deardebra :

Often times life gets in the way and you lose sight of each other.

Customer:

We have been together for 12 years total 13 years if you count dating. We got legally married in 2001. Then this same issue we are having of him not know what he wants back in 2006, so we got a divorce. Then in 2008 we got back together because he realized that he made a mistake, so this time we got married in church, we are Roman Catholic. So now around the same time frame just like the first time he is doing this again.

Deardebra :

So you want to remind him what happened last time.

Customer:

He tells me that with all our fighting and me always asking and wanting to talk about our issues makes him drift further away.

Deardebra :

I feel he is looking for those moments and that excitement of when you both started dating and when you got back together again. It is almost like he wants a challenge or even to go back to when things first started.

Deardebra :

So he does not want to admit there is any problems.

Customer:

I have reminded him and he agree's and thinks that the root of our problem is him taking advantage of me. But he does not know how to get it back or does not know if he even wants to try because there is to much damage already done.

Deardebra :

He does not want to hear that their are problems in your marriage so instead of working them out, he pulls away.

Deardebra :

So he feels that he has taken advantage of you.

Customer:

he does want to admit there is a problem but he does not want to get help about it together or apart. I made an appt. with a marriage counselor and he does not want to go

Customer:

Yes he does feel like he has taken advantage for me.

Deardebra :

He needs to understand that this can be worked out and the damage is not done because there is forgiveness, he seems to be having some sort of guilt in the marriage almost like he thinks you are better off if he leaves, you need to tell him he needs to stay because that is the only way to work things out is to face the problems because they will never get solved.

Customer:

So in the mist of all our chaos I started working out, not cooking, not cleaning, and not doing his laundry because he also admitted that he realized he only loves the things I do for him and it has masked the actual love he is supposed to have for me.

Customer:

He feels like there is too much pressure and wants to step away from it to clear his mind. I feel that if I ask him to stay he will only stay out of pity or just run even further away.

Deardebra :

Does he feel that you doing all those things is how you show your love and when you stopped doing them he felt like you no longer loved him. He seems like he might be confused about how you feel about him.

Deardebra :

Some times people think when people do things for them that is how much they love them and when something changes they begin to question how the other person feelings about them.

Customer:

I have reassured him of the reasons why I love him. But he told me that when I took all the good things that I do away for him he realized that he only loved the things I do for him and he was not sure what was there once all that disappeared.

Customer:

I fear that of we get legally separated it just will open many doors for the both of us and we will not get back together.

Deardebra :

I really think he is very confused. I think he is looking at all the things you do for him in the wrong way.

Deardebra :

I feel like he was lost when you stopped doing things.

Deardebra :

I think he panicked and did not know what to do.

Deardebra :

I think he feared what life would be like if ally hat stopped.

Customer:

He also admitted that he has felt that our relationship has been lacking something for sometime and he just did not do anything about back then and now he has said something because it had gotten really bad. I am mad that he did not address this issue when he 1st noticed it.

Deardebra :

He should have addressed the issue so you could have fixed the problem. But I feel what you should suggest is that you both start dating each other while he lives in the house. To set aside time for each other to reconnect.

Deardebra :

I feel that what is missing is that things have gotten to be the same routine and things need to change up a little bit.

Customer:

He also admitted that he has a wondering eye and the tendency to spark conversations with other women. And he blames that on what he feels he lacked from getting from our relationship. and he also says that if he fully loves me then why is he doing that when he should not because if our love was true he should have no urge. Is that true?

Customer:

We recently saw the sunrise together in the same spot that we use to hang out when we dated.

Customer:

He also has been disappearing for late night strolls and does not pick up his phone and does not come home until 3 to 4 hours later.

Deardebra :

No, that is not true. What he is lacking is attention. What he is trying to say is that he feels like he needs to get attention from other women because he is not getting your attention. It does not mean his love for you is lacking because he wants to talk with other women.

Customer:

I fell in love with that sunset, but each time he feels the feelings he once has it goes away. than he pulls back. I am starting to get the feeling that he is forcing himself not to feel for me because he really just wants out. I give him so much attention, I have surrounded my life around this marriage

Deardebra :

He seems to have the wrong idea about his feelings, he sounds like he is so confused. It must be very hard for you to give all your love too him out of fear that he is going to just walk out. He needs to realize that you need to feel secure in this relationship.

Customer:

I feel that I am not good enough.

Customer:

We have been having trouble having a baby and he told his sister that he was not sure how much longer he can stay married to me if I can't have his baby. I feel very replaceable.

Deardebra :

You should never feel like that because it is not you at all, it is him because he is very confused about how he feels. Loving someone is going through ups and downs and not running away. Some times this stems back to childhood and how he handled problems. So he is also having trouble with not having a child.

Deardebra :

It is very normal for a healthy couple to take a year to conceive.

Customer:

we have been trying for sometime and we found out I have lazy ovaries so I do not ovulate as often and he window is very small. He does not want to do invetro or insemination because it is against our religion. but its ok for him to walk out on us and that is also against out religion. That is one of the signs I get that he just wants out and is giving me all these different excuses.

Customer:

he does not want to make time to date but realizes we should do that

Customer:

he mentioned he was up for counseling but when I arrange an appt. he comes back at me and tells me he want to get legally separated.

Customer:

he does not want to talk about out issue and expects that it will go away on it's own

Customer:

he even once told me that he sometimes feels that by him starting a new relationship is the better and smarter thing because its fresh and had no damages, and he can take what he has learned from us and apply it so they don't have the same problems

Deardebra :

This will not go away on it's own.

Deardebra :

He wants to try but then when you agree he backs away.

Customer:

I think this is what he has been doing for sometime and now he speaks up because it's not going away this time. It's hard to want to fix it and the other person does not know what he wants.

Customer:

That is the reason why he want to separate, he says to see if he will miss me. But I fear that so much!

Deardebra :

He is going to miss you, realize he made a mistake and want you back.

Customer:

I hope and pray. He really is the man I want to grow old with and I feel so sad that he feels lost because that is not a good feeling. What are the rates of married couple getting back after a legal separation?

Deardebra :

Every separation is different and I feel there is still love in this marriage and that it can work out.

Customer:

I fear that when he leaves he will never come back.

Customer:

It seems like he is in denial about his feelings and something is clouding his judgement and vision on what to focus on. or it may just be to much to him to handle that he needs to step away and get some distance.

Deardebra :

He seems to feel he needs to step away to clear his mind to see how he feels.

Deardebra :

I feel he does not wants to leave so he can get that time and I feel that if he does leave he will e lost and know he made a mistake.

Deardebra :

The figures are 79 percent of legal separations end in divorce.

Customer:

I fear the separation and with how lost he seems I feel that he will not come back or do something while we are separated to cause us to not get back together. like maybe get a female pregnant.

Deardebra :

Have you and him researched about lazy ovaries so he understands?

Customer:

yes. but he does not want to taken extreme measures due to our religion. but I think that is just an excuse. it seems like he is waiting for a sign from above or a miracle to happen to prove that we should be together. I feel that he is coming up with many excuses as to why he feels like this .

Customer:

rather them just making a choice and sticking to it and learning to make the best of it while we work together toward our goals.

Deardebra :

I agree, you both should be working together towards your goals. You can not have this constant back and forth. He should learn how he feels.

Deardebra :

He is so confused about everything that he is not thinking clear.

Customer:

and how would you advice he does that. to be able to think clear

Customer:

would you advice the we do separate so he can think?

Deardebra :

I do not believe in separating because i feel that people can work things out still living in the same house.

Deardebra :

He needs to understand that walking away is not how you clear your mind.

Customer:

i feel the same but he feels differently

Customer:

How do you recommend he clears his mind?

Deardebra :

Because I feel he is confused he needs to talk about how he feels and not make excuses not to fix things. It is like he suggest things and then feels it is too much to put in the effort to try or he feel that it will not work.

Customer:

so what would be the next step on his end?

Deardebra :

He hasn't left yet so I feel he still wants to try.

Deardebra :

But I think you had to take control over the situation.

Deardebra :

I think you are going to have to set up dates and go back to helping him again because I feel that is what confused him the most.

Customer:

he said he will not allow me to do that because i will sway him to do something he does not really want and only does it because he feel bad.

Deardebra :

He has a lot of thoughts in his mind going on, he has guilt which is causing him to think he has to leave.

Deardebra :

Which is not that answer.

Customer:

he also feels that we didn;t date enough to find out enough about eachother before we got married

Customer:

I wonder what he has guilt about?

Deardebra :

Ok, so tell him that you want to start again and renew your marriage to get to know each other since you never had the chance. I feel he is guilty about you always do so much for him. Then when you stopped he felt like that if you didn't take care of him he would not feel the same.

Deardebra :

It confused his love for you.

Customer:

Thank you so much

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing? I am here if you need anymore help.

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