How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

hi Kate... Good day to you and I hope all is well . Do you

Resolved Question:

hi Kate... Good day to you and I hope all is well .
Do you have a little time for a question?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dee! Yes, I have time. What has been going on?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
my husband was emptying the contents of the house from some furniture by putting items in the garage to be picked up and discarded by the township. He also was angry and raged today, when I pointed out that he wasn't taking two items out of the laundry that was mine, just taking his own our of the washer. . This is just one example of daily passive aggressive behavior. Another example is he will only vacuum an area of the house that doesn't need to be vacuumed, but leave the dirtiest area dirty. Or will do something in the kitchen but leave it half dirty. In many ways, he is deliberately trying to set me up by making himself look like he's helpful around the house but its really manipulating because it makes more work for me and its deliberate. Also, he will wash two dishes and claim to have he cleaned the kitchen when the counters are dirty and so is the floor, so it's a game.

Well yesterday, he put my son's computer chair out on the front lawn. He didn't have any logical reason that I know of to do that. So when my husband left the house I saw it and ask my son while I was there but he didn't know why. If he was throwing it out then it should be in the garage with the other furniture. I asked my son to bring it back into the house, so I have a chair to sit on in front of the computer. I also said to my son that this was passive aggressive behavior and it didn't make any sense. I told him it reminded me of a movie called The Gaslight effect and he told me "Mom ,that's enough." I didn't elaborate however I don't know why he is shutting me down. I know he doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want to be involved. however not saying anything about such weird behavior wouldn't be normal either. why is he not accepting this or is it because he wants to stay in denial of his fathers ways, or just doesn't want to hear about it? He didn't even make any comments about his raging. if Dad is acting and behaving inappropriately and I think my 18 year old son shouldn't have to wear blinders. Is he just tired of the whole thing? I can't help but feel he should at least acknowledge Dads bad actions or behaviors. Don't get me wrong, my son and I get along very well and at least he treats me good. However it feels like he's shutting down and protecting dad. Is it denial?
I did recognize however he did not say goodbye to dad when he left the house to go on a business trip.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

SInce I've been getting healthier and recognizing manipulative behavior, I'm pointing them out as they come up to my boys ages 20 and 18. I try not to dwell on the negative or try to bad mouth t

heir father however I want to keep it real. a part of me wants them to defend me but I realize that may not always be the best idea as they cannot put themselves in the middle of a no win situation. I think they are aware but I need them to stay that way and not let the denial get in the way

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It does sound like your husband is trying to provoke you and it makes sense that you are upset about it. It is not easy to deal with someone who tries to intentionally upset you.

However, your son is probably trying to avoid dealing with it because for a child, even an adult child, it is very difficult to be caught between your parents. Children, even ones that are abused, resist going against one parent or another. Their true hope is that their parents will get along and there will be no more conflict. By telling your son your thoughts about your husband's behavior, this puts him in the middle of the situation. Whether or not he accepts that your husband is manipulative or not, he still is a child in the situation. He does not need to be involved, otherwise, the situation hurts him as well and he has no control over it like you and your husband do. Next time, just ask your son to get his chair (or whatever the situation) and try to avoid talking to him about what his father did, unless he himself expresses being upset by it. Then only talk about his feelings.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Okay I will try, thank you Kate. Even without my comments, the situation is hurtful for him I am sure. Yet comments could make him feel more helpless and responsible if I understand you correctly.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

Yes, that is what I was saying. Leaving your son out of the situation as much as possible is the best way to deal with it.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Dee! I appreciate the positives and the bonus. You are doing the right thing by being concerned for your son. And he probably does see what is going on. It may just take some time away from the situation in order for him to understand.

Take care,

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions