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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1420
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been made aware (someone contacted me anonymously) of

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I have been made aware (someone contacted me anonymously) of the fact that a video of my ex-wife tied to a headboard and getting oral sex is on internet porn sites. I've recently seen it, and it's definitely her. It is three minutes long and at no point does she look toward the camera (which is stationary, probably a cell phone sitting on a dresser) or give any indication that she knows she is being recorded. She is well known in local business circles and would surely be upset to know about this. I do not know who the man is, although I have seen him at some point in the past. We did not divorce on the best of terms 11 years ago, but are civil to one another and have occasional contact because of our adult son. If I have been made aware of this video, then surely others who know her have. If the man in the video did not post it himself, then I'm assuming he shared with a friend who consequently posted it. Do I let her know?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. This is a tough decision to make. You need to think about what will happen if you tell her and what will happen if you don't tell her. You said you did not divorce on good terms, so think about what your motivation would be to tell her or to not tell her. Basically, you just need to think about all of the scenarios possible and make your choice based on the conclusions you come up with. I can't tell you if you should or should not tell her because obviously, there are a lot of things to think about. How will this effect your relationship with her and your son and family unit in general? Just take all of these things into careful consideration and then make your choice.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1420
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
I need another person's insight so I can compare. Not that the first answer was all that bad, but I still feel like I am in a quandry. Look, my ex-wife was never a prude (I had taken nude photos of her, pre-video recorder) years ago. If she thought I had ever shown them to anyone else (I never did) she would be furious. She did not "strut" her stuff, and like I said she is well known in the community and involved in many civic organizations. I am sure she did not know she was being recorded.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
You said you wanted another person's insight, so here is an alternate thought. Tell her. I am a researcher and professor in addition to a relationship expert, so I do keep up what studies tell us. And my best summary of the literature to date is that most people want to know the truth in MOST situations. Without going into the relationship exceptions, and they would not apply anyway since you are not in a relationship with your ex, most people in survey studies report that they would want to know something of this magnitude. There is no way that she can begin to rectify this if she does not know it's out there.

Think about this--porn is one of the largest sources of money-making on the internet or in the world in general. If you have seen it, it seems fairly certain statistically speaking that others have or will see it within your/her social circles. Given this statistical probability, and again, given what people have reported on surveys, they would want to know something like this in order to not be in an even more embarrassing social situation and have it brought to one's attention in that fashion versus knowing now and at least having the knowledge to make a decision to contact an attorney or other legal source to consider what options may be available.

I hope this helps give you something to think about! Again, my "advice" is not personal but based on what research shows.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

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