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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hey! So I know we talked about my "relationship" the other

Customer Question

Hey! So I know we talked about my "relationship" the other day, but I wanted to update you and get your opinion on the next step, if you wouldn't mind. I called her last night and told her I could not do the "friends with benefits" thing, because I didn't want to risk our friendship and I felt like it would make things more complicated that they're worth. She said that, "she knew this would happen" and that we would "talk about it later". Do you think I did more damage this way? Or did I save us from potential hardships further down the road?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : you did the right thing. She was looking to not have that attachment because she is trying to protect her feelings for you.
Customer :

Hi! Thanks for taking the time to talk to me :)

Deardebra : she doesn't want to get hurt so she felt friends with benefits was the right thing to do so the relationship did not get serious.
Deardebra : But what happens in these relationships is it hard to deprecate feelings.
Deardebra : people being intimate tend to get attached.
Deardebra : they develop feeling and then want a real relationship.
Deardebra : people often make arrangement like this to take the stressed out if a real relationship.
Deardebra : people get scared to fall in love to get hurt so they feel if they do not make that commitment they won't get hurt.
Deardebra : but options are options and they can't be shut off like that so once you start off in a friends relationship things become more because its hard to separate feelings for each other.
Deardebra : I feel you saved yourself from hardship down the road.
Customer :

that is exactly how I feel! I didn't want to get down the road and us be even more confused. I feel like she's afraid of commitment right now and that I don;t want to mess around until she decides that she can settle herself enough to consider anything more. What would you do to stay friends now?

Customer :

I feel like friends with benefits actually makes things more complicated not less.

Customer :

I care too much about her to detach myself fully like that.

Customer :

Is that a bad thing for a guy?

Customer :

Are you there?

Deardebra : I see you rated me bad service. I am very sorry I was having trouble getting back to your question. I hope that you can rate me again. I will answer all your questions.
Deardebra : You want to tell her that you value her friendship and hope that this will not change your friendship. Tell her that you feel that having friends with benefits is complicating thing for you because you feel like you need more in the relationship.
Deardebra : tell her it does not seem right too you.
Deardebra : Explain that in the beginning you though you could do this but your feelings became more than just intimacy.
Deardebra : It is not a bad thing for a guy you just are experiencing emotions.
Deardebra : i don't feel that ending things should change the friendship.
Deardebra : You want to keep the friendship so you want to tell her that you do not want this to get in between your friendship.
Deardebra : it sounds like she new that you would not continue this arrangement.
Customer :

Hi. I guess we had a lapse in communication. Yeah it just got complicated for me because she invited me over to hang out with a group of her friends but then told me that there was a guy who she liked that would be there. And I A. felt like she didn;t need to tell me that she liked the guy and b. thought I would never put her in a position to have to watch me flirt/be around a girl that I liked.

Deardebra : Your right about that
Deardebra : that is very uncomfortable to watch her with someone else that she likes.
Deardebra : but she also didn't want to exclude you because you are her friend.
Customer :

I get that but idk. should I have cared less? I just feel confused right now

Customer :

No offense to you, but can I speak to the lady I had last time?

Deardebra : Yes, I will opt out. I was hoping that I could help you and you would change your rating but do you remember who you worked with so I can leave them a message.
Customer :

JackieA, I believe? Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX knows my story more

Deardebra : When I opt out it will let me know if she is online for you. Thank you again for your question. When you post a new question. You want to put JackieA name in the beginning then only she will answer the question.
Customer :

Oh okay, thank you. I appreciate it. Sorry, just need a little more :/

Deardebra : I understand I will see if she is online and if she is she will get your question right away.
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I’m a Moderator for this topic. It seems the professional has left this conversation. This happens occasionally, and it's usually because the professional thinks that someone else might be a better match for your question. I've been working hard to find a new professional to assist you right away, but sometimes finding the right professional can take a little longer than expected.

I wonder whether you're okay with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, please let me know and I will cancel this question for you. Thank you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can you just cancel the question at no charge? Thank you.

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