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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello, I have a 14months old daughter with a man that I

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Hello,

I have a 14months old daughter with a man that I call my ex-boyfriend but we are currently under the same roof the last two months or so. His name isXXXXX am from Hawaii and he is from Quebec but he is currently working in sudbury Canada. My daughter and I moved here in Sudbury A year ago to be with Sebastien as he asked us(my daughter and I) to move here. We lived together as a happy family, despite the relationship fights due to our differences. 5months after our arrival in Sudbury I got a job offer in American Samoa. I had to leave to work then as I am currently working on my MBA and paying for my own school and needs. Sebastien and I agreed that I have to leave Sudbury for this job and they will follow me a month later. Sadly, distance did not do us any good and we then decided to end our relationship. For several months during this break-up, there were lots of hates and hurtful traits that made me scared to not even come and see my daughter here in Canada as I don't know anyone else in Canada but him. I took my distance but sadly got my daughter in the middle of this trouble without mother and it was the most painful moment of my life to endure. Last December, Sebastien finally contacted me and asked if I would like to come and spend time with him and my daughter which I accepted and decided to come to Sudbury Canada. Even though the invitation was made, I still had doubt by the way his tone so I stayed with my job and didn't come. In February, Sebastien contacted me again that our daughter will have surgery on her head so I finally quit my job and decided to come for my daughter's surgery. I am here in Sudbury since then(February), I am staying in Sebastien's house and we live as family again even due we still not in relationship. Last week, Sebastien's mom come here in Sudbury to visit and also staying here with us in this two bedroom apt. house. Her name isXXXXX the house small and Johanne is in the visit, I usually take and lock myself in one bedroom of the house to which me and Sebastien are sleeping so Johanne can have her space. also to have a good amount of time with This(our 14months old daughter). Johanne seems to be comfortable, things are going but 2days after her arrival she started to do things that I find disrespectful to me: Johanne goes inside our pile of dirty laundry and pick all Sebastien's clothes and wash them. She also took over the kitchen and I have no more in saying as far is lunch and dinner goes. This morning, she took the mop and started to mop the floor as we all around the house. I am not sure if Johanne if Johanne asked Sebastien that she can do all these acts but I am feeling a bit disrespected as she did not even asked me at all. Am I wrong to feel that Johanne is not respectful and don't have any respect for me? I know, I can be considered as a visitor here but the fact that Johanne is a mother of Sebastien I expect her to know a little better. Is it ok for Johanne to act this way? Am I too demanding or overlook the situation here? Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

Johanne is trying to show that she does hot want her son to be in a relationship with you by taking over as head of the household. This actually requires a great deal of effort on her part, and it obviously gives her a lot of satisfaction to be the queen bee.

I would let her have her way and do all of the chores if she wants to and if you can stand her cooking.

I would suggest you keep your own dirty clothes in a separate hamper or wash sack and do not give her the pleasure of separating your clothes from Sebastien's.

You can do other things while she is slaving away, even compliment her on her cuisine delicieuse. That will not be what she expects. She wants resentment, and not praise. If you give her he unexpected compliments then she will probably treat you more kindly.

She wants to drive a wedge between you and Sebastien, and if you do not allow it, then you will thwart her negativity and win respect all around.

I wish you great success in smoothing out this situation. You can turn this situation around with a bit of sell directed kindness.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for the great advise and well appreciated. I have done all these except separating my laundry as we only have one laundry basket. However, I will practice that as well now on.


 


I still have few questions please


Is this right for Johanne to interfere with her son's business since he is an adult and dad already? Is she being disrespectful or this is right the way she is acting? Also, shouldn't she consider my little daughter(her grand daughter) before even acts? I am totally confused in trying to understand if her acts is appropriate or she is acting this way even to be a troublemaker...?


I do have lots of respects for Johanne and it really hurts me that she is acting this way. I just want to know if it's time to separate my daughter and I from her


 


Your opinion will be appreciated please.


 


 


Thanks again

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Anita,

Johanne is being either "completement bete" or is demonstrating passive aggressive behaviour. She seems to be used to ruling the household and is going to rule Sebastien's, seeing you as an outsider.

This is clearly rude and bullying behaviour and may be her nature or personality, but that is no excuse for how she treats you.

You may be able to put up with her by ignoring her (or may not), but if she is causing any negative feelings in your daughter in any way, then you have reason to leave.

I suggest confronting her in a polite, firm, and civilised manner about what you consider to be unacceptable behaviour on her part. Do this in front of Sebastien so that he does not get a warped second-hand account of what you have said. He needs to be clear on your intentions and demands.

Tell thiem that if this behaviour does not cease immediately then you will leave. You should, at this point, have somewhere to go and the means to get there so that they cannot call your bluff.

If you are no longer happy there, then this is reason enough to move ahead with your life.

This is a moment for Sebastien to either act like his own person, or remain under his mother's thumb, so this is a defining moment for all of you.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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