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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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aplogizes for spelling errors or confusion. Background. My

Customer Question

aplogizes for spelling errors or confusion. Background. My daughter is 32. She has modelled but never made it big becasue her heart wasn't in it. Wants to write. But that has always put her at a financial disdvantage. We lived in Sweden 2000 2004 she in London with a man who dumped her, later trying all to get her back. We resqued her then. earlier relationships. One which lasted almost seven weeks. We are back living in Australia. He'd dragged her to London so we could only support her over the phone and financially. Finally when she got a sponsor, pittance but the strength to break off, he's done all to get her back ever since. When he's in trouble. He rings her. His family are wealthy, well known but unsupportive. She was emotionally abused, much we didn't know becasue she didn't see it all at the time. In many ways he also leaned on her, still does, 2.5 years after breakup. We are very close our family and every time she hurts we do. Seh still cares for that man, but she has been damaged. She fell straight back into another realtionship with a French man, wasn't love. He had money again placing her at a disadvatge. Came back home last year, broke up with him.Her and I flew over and helped her home, with dog and packing. Need to mention in a relationship she gives it all she has, heart and soul.
Last October we were back here. She was back writing. She studies online a well, didn't want to go on the dole.
She wnet on Eharmony and met on a man online in the states, checked him out and they fell madly in love. Skyped for hours ever single day. Both started by talking about garbage, everything that was skwed in their lives. Sounds like a cliche, but the whole family agreed, convinced that is was true love. Lots of similarities and history, both fathers grek and such like outdoors, oners, thinkers etc. He's well educated, makes money. Both wnated children, almost identical values, slightly conservative. He'd been married, but not love lasted only moths. Only married because of pressure from his parents. But he had debts. For a quick divorce he gave the ex property agreedto pay of a her creditcard debt of 30000 she'd racked up over 5 months. She never worked, did nothing, didn't cook. In the circles, his parents and those around, wmen are treated like princesses, don't work, cook, clean. His older brother has moved away, broken from the parents. April this year she went over. They'd already talked marriage. Soulmates. Went on like a house on fire. His mother is vicious. My daughter never met her because He had a troubled relationship.
Afte the divorce he'd cut down hours, wanted the simplelife. Eventually they were goin to move out her. They'd planned it all. Rings and everything,talked everything spent every minute when he wasn't working together. Bought her a bike. She came on trips around the state for hearings in his work. Slow she became aware of his money problems. Debts on two properties, two cars and studentloan. His house wasn't finished, no kitchen, but my daughter cooked, made his lunches to save money. Offered all the time to pay and often did for grocereies. Walked his dogs and cleaned. She is nnothing like his ex, makeup free casual. Not into bullshit she says. he loved it. Has never fitted in, had been caught up in money and status but like he said the simple life. A week before the crash they were at a concert he'd been over to his parents aftre ther the mother had threatened she'd die of heartattack. The eldest son has a child in an earlier relationship. Mother calls even the child, her gradndadughter a 'sociopath'?. Lts more which I see no need o get into Right through that night parents texted Ari who eventually had enough, came back six in the morning. Had slept ther, Five minutes away??
The next Thursday another hearing, three hours away. Ari is a alwyer.Decided my daughter stay at home, save money on dogsitting. He rings that night he's screwed (his words) steering on the car 3500. It's all caught up to him debts. In a text to Sara he says, you're going to have to leave. much texting. Finally talks. He's handing the house back to the bank, seven days. sara is naturally upset and at one satge says f**k you. He tells her to get out of his house. he is three hours away, in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Totally cracked. She has no one. I arrange hotel, taxi on the phone. She arranged flight etc. Cried for a week.
He hung up on f**k you. Lots of texting back and forth. She says sorry. he says he wished he could go back but he is screwed, can't be in a relationship. Will pay back money, she doesn't want it. He says everyone always wants something from him. Sara was devastated, we worried so much.
She came back. One last text from Ari glad you're safe back. She texted, worried he'd kill himself. He refused to speak. Has to work 7 days a week, save his license. moved back with parents but they clash. She keeps hoping he'll be back. What can she do. I am so angry. Scared to kill her hope
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question,

Dr. L :

I am sorry that your daughter has been caught up in such a terrible situation with this man. It must be hard for you to understand what happened with Ari and how things had been going so well and then suddenly fell apart so miserably.

Dr. L :

I can understand your saying that you do not want to kill her hope. And certainly her self-worth and view of the world must be protected so that she stays in a positive frame of mind.

Dr. L :

Likely she is feelings some amount of trauma, as are you. I would encourage both of you to consider individual therapy as a way to work through your feelings and to ensure that you heal from this situation.

Dr. L :

XXXXX XXXXXkely wants to hold on to the hope that he will be back as it would be devastating to think that Ari took advantage of her, lied to her, and does not love her. Thus I would encourage you to support her pain, but not to challenge her hopeful stance. This can come as she gets stronger and is able to accept reality.

Dr. L :

This is why individual therapy would be beneficial.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

Dr. L :

Again, I am very sorry that Sara - and you - have been so hurt.

Customer:

I actually do believe that he loves her, but heis worried about losing everything. Mortdages and everything. Basically what I would like to know what happens when a man has a nervous breakdown. He has moved in with his parents who ar very demanding. They've been syphoning off both sons. Were upset when he divorced because of status. I think Ari wanted to run away in a snse and it came crushing down.

Customer:

He didn't want to risk his licence to practise law but douldn't bring Sara with him into his parents house because of how they are. Sara and Ari were talking marriage. Qucik I know but I don't doubt he was sincere. He just lost it. It happened over a week and that day was just the last straw. He took it out on Sara because that is waht we do. He is now working 7 days a week trying to sort it out off Facebook and everything.Christmas he is getting a boun. He's hoping to refinance studentloans. Basically parents never helped him only demanded. Father retired mid forties helped sons buy propeties but then hetakes anything made of it. Both brothers did soccerwell ut brother changed to American football because father didn't understand. He damnded to much off them. So Ari is in serious trouble does that mean there's no chance or do men sometimes return. That's basically what we want to knwo. He has had a serious nervous breakdown.

Customer:

I know we sound very naive, but he wasn't like the others they had a lot off fun. Clearly he's a dreamer, but his parents are making it very difficult. Sara is also a dreamer. But their backgrounds are very similar, half greek etc.

Dr. L :

As a clinical psychologist of some 30 years my experience tells me that men who have had a breakdown (just like women) need the professional support of a psychologist to address and work through the issues that led to this mental state. In many cases, medication is prescribed as well.

Dr. L :

It is unfortunate that Ari is now living with his parents, particularly if they do not understand his psychological needs right now. But if he was unable to take care of himself..and so debt ridden that he had no other place to go...then we can understand his choice.

Dr. L :

Depending on the kind of professional help Ari is receiving (psychiatric, psychological, physical) will determine, in part, how long it will take him to recover. There is also the issue of how serious the breakdown was..and how hard he is willing to work to recover.

Dr. L :

He says he is working 7 days a week. This leaves me baffled. If he has had a serious breakdown..then working that intensely seems impossible as he would not be able to concentrate, nor have the physical energy to work at that pace.

Dr. L :

It takes months to recover from a serious breakdown...not days or weeks. Because I have not evaluated Ari, I cannot offer more. And, I also do not know what his diagnosis is, if he has received professional help, whether he is taking medication, or even if he is in therapy. Still....a breakdown is not like turning off and on the water. It takes considerable time.

Dr. L :

I would like to encourage Sara to read the following books:

Dr. L :

Secrets, Lies and Betrayals by Maggie Scarf

Dr. L :

Feeling Good by Dr. Burns

Dr. L :

I high recommend both of these as a way for her to learn more about her own emotional state. You might consider reading these as well as a way to support her.

Dr. L :

Please let me know if I can provide any more information for you.

Customer:

We understand that and Sara is trying to operate, is writing extraordinary well while she is like this. I will get those book. We have told her to stay out of touch, every two weeks or at the most and with her ppermission we have removed the phone from next to her bed. That gives her some piece, if we can call it that.

Customer:

I did alsoe find it strange that he can work but I am thinkig that maybe not clinical, but simply a breakdown of exhaustion of mind, spirit and body.

Customer:

He's with his parents because house takengiven back to bank to stave off bancruptsy.

Customer:

Sara is dying to occassional send him texts. She had orginally said that she'd wait. That is one the thing.

Customer:

Sara keeps going online and read about how they come back. She'd also spoken to an airhostess on the way back similar thing, and I think that's the hope that's keeping her sane apart from moments of utter despair.Thank you so much for your help

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
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