3 months ago my wife told she was moving out. she said she doesn't love me the way a wife should , and that she has always depended on a man . that she wanted to be on her own.. that she wants a divorce . i am a recovering alcoholic , i was devestated so i drank beer just to piss her off. i also was in depressed state, and suffer from anxiety. i lost it and went to mental hospital twice to get meds right. also to detoxe hospital when i drink i don't stop. she moved out 26 days ago.i told her today i understand , walk away wife syndrome. i told her i wish i knew this a year ago . she said she did to . i ask for another chance but she says i'm sorry .... i can't . i have grown and changed, and love her more now then ever and want to try again. i go to therapy and feel great now on my new meds . in the last 6 months we had talks about how she was not happy . but i didn't understand what she was trying to say so nothing changed. walk away wife. do you think i have any chance she will change her mind. today was the first time we comunicated. by text, i told her iv'e researched every thing on how to get yor wife back and i have really changed she said she would watch the video. the walk away wife sydrome and this is how we left it.thank you for helping carl. we have been married 18 months
i have asked her to go out to dinner yesterday. she said she didn't think it was agood idea. she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression.. as for mailing a letter , i do not have her address now she is ignoring my text messages
i have done that.
that she could not make herself be happy here for me
we never really discussed it
i sent the text ,will see if she responds .
when i met her she was ending a 2 year live in relationship. she just walked away from him and never looked back. i am afraed d this is what she is doing again
this is so hard , her leaving just made me love her even more
she's not going to respond to me now
" nothing can be changed "
I assume you will want to keep yourself on your exwife's mind as Debra urges, and 3 months is too soon to give up anyway. Debra is right also, that your ex slams the door on past loves to protect herself. But she's not the only person that does that, and it can work very well for her. And you won't start to recover until you have let go of trying to make sure she'll come back sooner rather than later.
The one thing that Debra has given too little attention to is the sentence "she's always depended on a man, and now she wants to be on her own." You've depended on alcohol for a lot of years yourself; so you know a little of how important it can be to be on your own. And most women don't need meds, just perhaps good self-development counseling, to learn how to let go of the dependence they've felt--often since their very first boyfriend at around 14. Feminism since the late 1960s has urged young women to learn more independence through embracing a "sex fast" of at least 6-12 months.
If this is what she has in mind, she may be doing herself a lot more good than she would if she leaned back into her feelings for you. I'm not going to urge you to refrain from trying to elicit her feelings to attract her back, but I do want you to give more thought to what might be best for HER instead of just for YOU. Perhaps, if you could arrive at a plan for the next year that would foster her freedom FROM you rather than either her regressive pull towards dependence or her guilt about making you so miserable that you can't do without her, she might be inclined to experiment with an arm's-length "friendship" with you that could raise her self-esteem and adult coping capability. And thus actually be more attractive than a future without the family support system that could make it easier for her to gain more freedom without going "cold turkey" and "white-knuckling it."
I'm NOT overconfident that such a "friendship" will work for her, because she'd have less regressive pull into dependent lover-bonding than if she found a new friendship that was Platonic from the start. I know this is not what you want to hear. But if your rekindling-feelings plans don't work out, then perhaps this vision of a healthy future for her might even support a vision of a comparably healthy future for yourself, with an eventual friendship in mutual respect between the two of you That Could Develop Some Time into Another Love Bond between the 2 of you at a different balance between dependence, independence and interdependence.
Feel free to respond if you wish, and to ignore if what I've written has only irritated and/or threatened or bummed you. I know if I were still wrestling with the writhing demons of losing & recovering what's escaping me I wouldn't feel even slightly supported. And I don't want to add to your suffering if I can help it.
PS. Just reread that piece of your history: When I met her she had just walked away from a 2 year live-in relationship. You were married 18 months--around 2 years again. You were her REBOUND (aka Healing relationship). So she's not allowed herself the grieving&recovering period that could empower her to choose a mate without him being a "phantom-limb replacement" for what she's just fled from. So if she can't get through letting YOU-as-phantom-limb-replacement evaporate, she will NOT achieve her dimly perceived goal of learning how to choose a mate from her whole personality instead of her unhealed partnership-desperation. And you'll either get another walk-out again soon or a sickening-stagnating dependency relationship.
wow , i'd like to see whatdeardebra thinks
I'm a Marriage Therapist with 40 yrs experience, loveRelationship text author & a depth psychologist, so I operate in several dimensions. Nothing wrong with staying positive, it's one dimension. My PS advice is very pertinent, because dodging grief by rebounding after breakups blocks independent personal development. And if you've spent enough time in AA and related spiritual-development counseling, then you know how important your commitment to spiritual development needs to be. The godfather of AA, as therapist & then distant advisor to Bill W, was Carl Jung. He taught Bill W that the only capable replacement for (consciousness lowering) "spirits" is relationship to Spirit, which Jung called Higher Power (to avoid AA getting trapped in religious sectarianism). Jung is the master teacher of the most profound of the therapeutic lineages that my wife and I both honor and learn from, and what I mean above by "depth psychologist."
So when I advise you to support your expartner's vague intention to become "independent" I'm supporting your likely need for continued spiritual development for yourself, to avoid being sucked back into the arrested development when alcohol took over for your own emotional & spiritual life. Most questioners in Relationships focus most of their blame and "fixit" advice-seeking on their partner's problems & little on their own. At the risk of being as unwelcome as a turd in the party punchbowl, I like to remember (tho I often forget) that you too get to grow from good advice, if you're up for it.
Her age 32 is also high time to start her own adulthood with significant goals of her own, unless motherhood is all she wants. It's serious adulthood. You're in a different stage, having hopefully settled on the goals and life paths you chose in early 30s yourself.
i would still like deardebras opinion
I hope she tunes in and gives it to you. But I can't insure that she'll do that. And again if I were in your shoes and heart, I'd keep pursuing her too (cautiously) and keep trying to change to make her feel good about coming back also.
dear debra please respond
should i let her know , i'm talking to you
i texted that " i love you "
now she is ignoring me
thats it , i'm not ready to face her yet.
this is what i got now