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Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now

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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we have been experiencing some intimacy issues. There seems to be little interest on his part and when we are involved, he seems not really into it, just going through the motions, etc. At one point I asked him if he was gay. He was shocked that I asked that question, but he has been sending off the same warning signs as my ex-husband did years ago...and as it turns out, my ex was involved with the same man for over 18 years without me knowing it, until I walked in on a rather uncomfortable situation.

My boyfriend this weekend broke down and told me that when he was 17 he had an intercounter with a man, he was experimenting....he told me that he wasn't getting anywhere with girls, didn't have a girlfriend etc...and that this was a release. He continued to have relations with various men, recieving oral from them, but never returned the act on them. He said this went on till he was 25. He is now 43. He met a girl at 26, they were engaged for awhile, broke up and then starting dating his ex-wife whom he was married to for 15 years.

They got divorced and he again found another girlfriend, engaged to her but things didn't work out and then he met me...etc....

When I asked him if he was bi, he said he doesn't think so...he was engaging in this behavior because it was a sexual release, he has no romantic feelings towards men.

I am confused and hurt...I am not against being who you are....I'm not sure if he see's me as someone who will keep him from who is really is or that it was just experimenting?

Any advise would be greatly appreciated or a reference to reading material in this area.

Can you have same sex relations purely based on the release or is there something more going on. I know it is person to person...just need some direction. Thanks.

It is not that clear if he is bisexual or not. He says that he thinks not, but what does he feel? What is it that he feels or wants when he yearns for a sexual encounter? Is he truly sexually attracted to you? There are many men who are attracted to other men and happily in relationships with women. At least, in your situation, he has been honest that he has had these feelings in the past. For the most part, at age 43, his feelings are not likely to change much. One can feel sexually attracted to men and have no romantic interest. Many men enjoy sexual encounters with other men particularly because there is no romantic interest, just sexual interest. He has been in and out of relationships. The best predictor of the future is the past behavior. You both need to sit down and talk this out and see if you both can live with it. Are you both better off with each other or without each other? I doubt that he will lose his interest in men if he truly is interested. In any case, if he is having sexual encounters with men it is imperative, absolutely crucial that he engages in safe sex; that is, using protection and making sure there is no exchange of bodily fluids. The risk of sexually transmitted disease including HIV/AIDS exists. Here are a few websites to examine that might help you both understand the situation:


Let me know if I can be of further assistance. Dr. Tom

Dr. Tom and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for your time and help in this matter. He has told me that the encounters he had stopped when he was 25, because he met and fell in love with his girlfriend.... Even when he was out of relationships with women, he did not go back to that behavior. Maybe I am native here, but his reasoning was he wanted that release, he wasn't sure if he was bi and men gave him that release or physical contact he was seeking...there was no emotional connection or finding them attractive....I am confused by the behavior, again not judging, but wondering if really he is gay or bi and using this relationship as a cover on some level. I feel he loves me and cares for me...but in my mind I am thinking that if someone engages in this behavior for 8 years it might be more than a phase or can it be just that, a phase? Thank you for the resources. He is planning on seeing a therapist after our conversations this weekend. He has been tested and he is ok.

It seems as far as you are concerned, the question is are you getting the love and affection that you are entitled to in an intimate relationship? If he cannot give this to you, do you want to sustain the relationship? Your intuition is informing you. Indeed, if someone is engaging in such encounters for 8 years, it is likely something that they are familiar with and at times it would meet some physical need. Sex and love do not necessarily go together, but when it does, it is fulfilling. How does he express his love to you? If he is seeing a therapist that is good. He needs to get clear for himself what he is really feeling and what his authentic, genuine self is so both of you can get on with your life. Answering some of these questions might help you evaluate this relationship and see if it is good for you.

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