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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been in a relationship (long distance) for almost 3

Customer Question

I have been in a relationship (long distance) for almost 3 years now. It's been on and off because she's 11 years younger i'm 35 she's 24. She is very jealous and doubtful and always thinks i'm cheating. We had many fights and breakups but we always came back to each other. I am the one who keeps breaking up, and she always calls and kind off beg for me back. Truth is, i love her a lot! So i always throw whatever crazy and disrespectful things she say and i take her back. In the past few months she was mentioning marriage a lot and that was freaking me out so i kept delaying talking about it. I was visiting her last month and she went through my private messages and saw my texts with other girls. One was a normal chat with a friend, and one was a simple statement of "i like ur style" to a girl who added my on FB (ok, i'm a bit flirty but just for a moral boost i guess). Anyhow, she got upset and after an intense talk she broke up with me. The next day she wanted me back and i said no. We didn't talk for weeks after and few days ago she contacted me again. She wants us back and i told her i want some time before i make that decision. She got upset again and made it clear that she won't contact me again (which i know she will). My problem is that in our 3 years history, it was always break ups and make ups! We never spent 6 solid months without breaking up. Everytime we're together i have doubts if i really love her or just love the idea of how young and beautiful she is? So i breakup with her on the first next fight. But then few weeks in, i start missing her. So i wait for her call and forgive her but i go back to the same dilemma after few weeks. I start having the same thoughts, i start looking and admiring other girls (even less attractive) and my mind start asking questions again! Now we are broken up, and i'm missing her again! At the same time, i am meeting other women and i keep wondering if i should go back to her or find myself someone else! Why am i so confused? Why do i miss her when we break up and want to break up when we're together? This is not the first relationship that got me like this! Am i afraid of commitment? How can i deal with this and make a final decision?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hi Rafael! Is this live chat?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, we could chat here. Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation, and the challenges it has presented, which seem to perpetuate an old pattern, almost always present in your relationship. Could you please clarify if this pattern has also been present with women from a similar age group like you; and from both, close and long distance relationships?

Customer:

Ok! Well what do u think of my problem?

Customer:

Yes it has

Customer:

I would be attracted to a woman, but once i get her i start having that pattern again

Customer:

This is the third consecutive relationship this has happened

Customer:

But the two before did not last this long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think if after 3 years in a relationship, core problems around trust, affection, commitment and understanding remain, leading to a vicious circle of break ups and restarting it again and again, while you acknowledge you feel her young age and beauty seem to be key factors keeping you attache to it regardless of how dysfunctional it seems to be, then I'd say you need to work on yourself around your core needs and expectations from a relationship, since as long as you keep reinforcing this pattern, each time it's gonna become harder and not easier for you to cope wit it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Physical beauty plays a role, physical attraction does impact relationships for sure, but no healthy and fulfilling relationship is built based on mainly external beauty, they take much more than that, from sharing the same core value and belief systems, to have compatible personalities and life styles, and sharing the same core needs and expectations about multiple aspects in life.

Customer:

I think i'm scared of committing! I am an artist and i have female fans. I feel a relationship will take me away from the taboo life and having other women. I know this sound silly, but whenever i'm in the relationship i star thinking what if i make it big? Will she hold me back and stop me from acomplishing dreams? What if i could date hotter girls?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When couples try to date and make it work disregarding previous requirements, they could enjoy the excitement of dating, even passionate sex, and have fun, but without having these core requirements present, it would not evolve into a mature, healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Customer:

Is this stupid of me?

Customer:

Ur making a lot of sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is realistic. You are being totally honest with yourself, which is essential for you to take good care of yourself in all aspects, but you need to be the same towards the people you date.

Customer:

We do enjoy a passionate sexual relation

Customer:

But do i miss her now then? Why do i feel afraid when we break up? And is 't forgiving her many times an indication that i do love her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are very realistic, you long for more and know you could have these other how girls as you said, but the problem is that having that possibility does not equal the ability to build and enjoy a truly fulfilling and healthy relationship, for that there is much more you would need than having fans, or people who value you because of fame or any other reason but for being the person you truly are. You are absolutely right, it would be foolish for you to believe that a woman who is with you for any reason but the most important ones, would truly respect, understand and support you regardless of your fame and whatever happens in your career. Only a good real life partner who cares about you would do that.

Customer:

Mmm, ur right. I shouldn't let my thoughts of the rockstar life control me. And at the same time, i think i want to be with. Woman who would keep me interested enough not to want to break up.

Customer:

Maybe fibi is not the one for me. There must be something substantial that is missing for me to be able to break up with her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Not necessarily, I believe it could be a sign of your own fear of not having a person that young and beautiful close to you for you, otherwise you would truly focus on working with her on building mutual trust, deeper affection, understanding, support and happiness, but that's not what you have been doing. You keep longing for further excitement and new possibilities with other women. Sadly, you could miss the one that could truly become the best partner you may have, but there is no way to know unless you truly come to terms with the fact that you would not enjoy the fulfillment , trust and intimacy you want in a relationship, unless you actively work to build that with the other person. remember, it is not about you and one of your fans, but about you an another person, being both adults and mutually agreeing to build something together, with reciprocal caring, affection, passion, commitment and understanding, trust and willingness. There is no way anybody could know if a relationship this good would be built, but the only way to know is by working on it and time will tell, not from dreams but from concrete experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet, that's why you need to start focusing on much more than only beauty and youth, since both will go away sooner or later, and what will remain is what gets deeper in that person and between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this person does not share the same values, beliefs, core goals and needs, and specially if she does not match in an harmonious way you, your personality and life style, sharing both the same level of affection and passion for each other, which is not something you have with any other person that easily, since it is not as easy as having fulfilling sex, but much deeper and broader than that, then it would not work, and the further you remain attaching to her-it, the harder it would get for both of you. You see why it is very important for you to be %100 truthful with yourself and fully honest towards her - the person you have a relationship with?

Customer:

My god! That is so true ! The fault is in me, i want other women all the time!! I'm a sucker for female attention! All fibi wanted was for me to be faithful and loving. But all i think off is if i can have someone even hotter and sexier! The problem is iN me!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here we are not talking about having a person to share good sex and have a good time together, but much more than that, we are talking about an adult relationship, one that could bring real happiness and fulfilling in your life, a person you could truly trust would respect, care and support you in every situation, instead of using or abusing you at any level, and for anybody to have such a unique experience, much hard work is necessary, from the way you choose such person, to how you work on building it day by day.

Customer:

Well, from what i have said. What so u think i should do in the current situation? Should i take her back and work on the relationship? Or just move on and find someone else?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good for you you can see it this clearly now. That's very good. Now from clear insight , consistent action is required for you to start reshaping your life, relationships in ways you truly want and need them to be. Denial, avoidance, repression or justification would not work, you need to be real, you need to be yourself, and that means to work on what truly match what you need and expect from a relationship, and to eradicate what undermines and sabotages it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My invitation for you is to first take the time to assess what you truly want and need from another person in a relationship, to be very clear about your priorities, what you want and need, and what you are really willing to offer and afford. To be clear that if you work on finding a hot girl regardless of the person behind the appearances and the compatibility between you, plus the reciprocity of your feelings and affection, then you would be limiting yourself to that, mostly to have good sex and fun but nothing better than, that, you would not enjoy mutual real fulfillment nor happiness, and it would be dysfunctional regardless of how hot she happens to be and passionate sex you may have.

Customer:

You are right

Customer:

I have some self development to do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But if after this honest assessment, you identify the deficiencies of your past approach, and choose to start working on building somehthing real, substantial, with potential for real trust, affection, respect and fulfillment, where you would not be using or neglecting a person because of how hot she is but truly sharing at a deeper level, with mutual respect, understanding and accountability, then things would change for better without doubt. I am not telling you this approach would guaranty a relationship to become the one and last for ever, but I am telling you that in this way, regardless what happens int he future, you would find out in the process, because you would be doing your best in assertive ways, being honest and open, yourself, and you both would get more fulfilled, wiser and grateful for the experience, instead of suffering because of fears, doubts, neglect, avoidance, lack of being real, of being mature.

Customer:

I need to get this whole idea of getting so many girls out of my system

Customer:

U make a lot of sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

After this assessment you would see how ready and willing you feel to work on this level with present girlfriend. If you see your personal work requires you to take a time to be alone while working on yourself at these different core areas, then explain it to her and commit to develop a healthy and fulfilling relationship with yourself first, that from there you would not how to respect, understand, and love another person at the same level for sure. If you feel you can work on this process while with her, then go for it, but keep uit real, that way you would know if it truly works or not, and there would be no hurting at all the ways it should not happen, but necessary challenges for you and for this person to afford, and you would know if she has what it takes to create a relationship that good.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet you do. I do suggest you to get regular individual counseling for you to work on this process with the best possible professional support you could get, since this is not an easy job at all but tough, it would challenge you a lot and would present highs and lows, normal of any real transformation and grow process. What feels easy, uses to fuel your dysfunctional ego, while what challenges it, uses to be really tough, and truly worthy and healthy too.

Customer:

Ok, i'll work on the assessment then and make my decision on what to do with fibi.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

perfect, please take the time to work on it, and commit to truly understanding and supporting yourself, since from there you could eradicate any form f self-sabotage and build fulfilling and healthy relationships with other people, and you would know when something is not working, what to do and how far to go.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Thank you for your advice. This has been extremely helpful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am glad to know it has been that way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Will do, thnx again and have a nice day.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me back for any further support, just include my name in your question-request for me to know you want me to reply and I will respond as soon as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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