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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi Dr. L, can we speak a little more... maybe chat?

Resolved Question:

Hi Dr. L, can we speak a little more... maybe chat?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I am here now. Is this a good time?

Dr. L :

I see you are offline.

Dr. L :

I will look for you tomorrow.

Dr. L :

I am just checking in to see if your are available. I will be here for several hours.

Customer:

hi!

Customer:

Things are looking much better at work

Customer:

and I am happy to see that FINALLY my efforts are paying off

Customer:

when I contacted you I just wanted to talk about the guy I dated, just to think about something else

Customer:

but sometimes I think I bore you a little when I talk about him since he is such an obvious loser

Customer:

today I feel much better

Customer:

I just wanted to talk without being judged

Customer:

I know that if I ask why did the guy act that way you are going to say it was because he is selfish and never really loved me... but I have no new questions

Customer:

I still wonder how someone can act the way he did

Customer:

I do not wish to see him again, but I wonder if he will let me go this easily, especially because when I didn't call for his birthday I expected a major blow up and it didn't happen (thank God!)

Customer:

I don't know what he may be thinking but maybe he thinks he was the one who broke the relationship and is satisfied being the winner

Customer:

this time I don't care what he thinks... I just wanted it to be over, no matter who ended it

Customer:

he threaten me that if I ever broke up with him again, that it was going to be irreversible, since I had tried to end the relationship so many times... and for a little while I believed something horrible would happen if I broke up with him even though I wanted to leave him... why did my mind played such games with me?

Customer:

maybe that is why I prefer to think he believes he ended the relationship... because that way I am not the bad one

Customer:

I know it sounds crazy

Dr. L :

Hello...

Dr. L :

I'm glad things are looking up at work! Looking for a new job is never easy, but if that's what you need to do to be respected and treated well...then that is something you will have to face.

Dr. L :

Don't worry about boring me about that guy. What's important is that you get the opportunity to talk this out. Since you haven't been able to freely discuss this with others, you haven't had much opportunity to get feedback, reassurances, or support.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry he threatened you about an irreversible outcome. To me, that just shows how controlling he was. In reality, you are a free person and you can make whatever choices you want as to who you date and who you don't. For him to attempt to force you into staying with him is ridiculous.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

I will read your response

Dr. L :

Your mind likely played tricks with you because he has had far too much power over you since the very beginning. He had you believing him and doubting yourself.

Dr. L :

In the end, it doesn't matter who ended the relationship...the important point is that it is over.

Customer:

yes, I agree

Dr. L :

As to your thought that he is likely to come after you again....

Dr. L :

that seems possible given how hard he has worked to have you in his life. But...you must remember that you have a voice and a vote in this!

Customer:

yes, I know that now... I actually don't understand why I felt I HAD to be with him even if I desperately wanted to break up with him

Dr. L :

I think the HAD comes from the power and control he exerts over you. I know it doesn't make sense logically...but he knows how to get to you...

Customer:

I prayed every night so God would help me break it up because I didn't have the courage

Dr. L :

What do you think it would take for you to say NO if he were to come around again?

Customer:

right now I feel very strong

Customer:

I don't feel "in love" like before

Customer:

every time I ended the relationship it was against my will - I did it because of all the things you and I know

Customer:

this time I really wanted to end it, from the bottom of my heart

Customer:

but I know what you mean

Dr. L :

I think it is significant that you are not "in love" like before. That's a huge change!

Dr. L :

How do you think that change happened?

Customer:

Little by little

Customer:

I was so desperate to hear him say that he loved me that nothing else mattered

Customer:

once he finally admitted it... nothing changed for the better

Customer:

I guess I thought everything would changed if he really loved me

Customer:

I realized, now that he loves me, it is actually worse

Customer:

and I think that in his mind he does thin he loves me

Customer:

but he became out of control... way worse than when I thought he didn't care about me

Dr. L :

Yes...from what you described he got MORE controlling and MORE disrespectful.

Dr. L :

It seemed that he got possessive in a very scary way.

Customer:

crazy jelous!

Dr. L :

Yes.

Customer:

I never knew how bad that could be

Dr. L :

And isn't that strange after so many difficult times with him? You would have thought that he would feel secure after having you back...but that didn't happen.

Customer:

he became irrational, so possessive I felt I couldn't breathe

Customer:

he was never secure!

Customer:

no matter what I did

Dr. L :

What you don't know, of course, is what is happening with his wife and with other parts of his life. Was he finally showing his "true self"...

Dr. L :

Yes...I imagined that it felt like a chocking sensation...no room to be yourself...

Dr. L :

How very sad.

Customer:

no, I don't really know what was happening in his other life

Dr. L :

And, the likely scenario would have been that he would never have felt secure and he would have wanted more and more and more of you...

Customer:

which is weird

Customer:

especially since I had in a way accepted his unresolved situation

Customer:

he started talking about leaving his wife

Customer:

which, according to him, was only a matter of formalizing things

Customer:

but he said that he was not sure I was going to stay with him if he made the final move

Dr. L :

Well...like usual...you can

Dr. L :

not really trust what he says.

Dr. L :

And truly he was not planning on leaving his wife to be with you...

Dr. L :

And you never asked him to leave his wife for you. You protested being in a relationship with a married man...but you never said he had to leave her.

Customer:

no, I didn't feel I had the right to ask that

Customer:

I never wanted to be in that position to begin with!

Customer:

My family would be so ashamed if they knew

Customer:

I think he wanted to make sure he could move in with me

Customer:

with no job, and probably a broken marriage where the WIFE was the one who didn't want him

Customer:

he was probably securing the next wife to cheat on

Customer:

that is what I thought

Dr. L :

Yes...that is certainly possible that he wanted to move in with you and be taken care of again.

Dr. L :

How disgusting. He was very, very selfish.

Customer:

like I said, once he admitted that he loved me (maybe he didn't but he seemed to be in love), and everything became even worse (as if it was possible) I lost all faith in him

Customer:

but I would completely understand that you wouldn't believe me when I say I won't fall for him again

Customer:

I did it over and over and over again

Dr. L :

How amazing that he got worse! There is no way you could have known that.

Customer:

i thought everything went wrong because he didn't love me

Dr. L :

Yes...you went back to him multiple times and every time he was able to convince you that he was a good choice to be with. And you were easily persuaded by him...even when you had evidence that said he was not trustworthy. So...maybe it isn't okay to say...never...but rather to say that I will try very, very hard not to be with him again and I will work to keep myself grounded in reality as reality would say he will not treat me well.

Dr. L :

No...his loving or not loving you was never the issue. It is his core personality that is the issue.

Customer:

he became so possessive that a coworker of mine (of which the guy was jealous too) nicknamed him "the nightmare"

Dr. L :

wow

Customer:

my coworker never met him, but the guy called me so many times, and texted so frequently, and made me cry so much that he got a nickname

Customer:

finally my coworker told me: tell that guy to stop being so intense or just leave him!

Dr. L :

amazing feedback

Customer:

can you imagine how possessive, jealous, demanding and intense must he have been to get noticed by a coworker of mine?

Dr. L :

that is realy something...

Dr. L :

*really

Customer:

I will try very hard not to go back to him

Customer:

but two months have gone by and he hasn't contacted me yet

Customer:

now he has no excuse and no access to me

Dr. L :

That's great that you have not heard from him...but he is a sly guy so you don't know what he is thinking or doing. The good news is that he is not working at the company and so you don't have to worry about him showing up at your desk..or running in to him in the building. That's a huge relief.

Customer:

yes!

Dr. L :

Still...I don't want to see you worrying about him. That will only keep you from going on with your life.

Customer:

thank you!

Customer:

I won't worry about him

Dr. L :

You are very, very welcome.

Dr. L :

Great. He isn't worth it.

Customer:

if he comes back, hopefully I will be occupied in other things

Dr. L :

Yes!! And will continue to have the strength to say NO.

Customer:

you are right. Worrying about him gives him the power

Dr. L :

Yes it does. And that power deserves to be yours and yours alone.

Customer:

I have to go now, but many things you said tonight made me feel better. Thank you!

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L :

Bye for now!

Customer:

you too!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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