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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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Hello again. Since receiving your reply to my last question

Customer Question

Hello again. Since receiving your reply to my last question I have realised that I am in a relationship with a narcissistic person. I have decided that I will never be able to get him to understand and I now need to talk to someone about how to move on. I need someone to talk to about this. Can you help?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 10 months ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hello, My name is Ja`Ree and I am a mental health counselor. Had you spoken to someone in particular on Just Answer that you would like to talk with again?

Customer:

No, although the last guy was helpful I am just as happy to talk to someone else.

JaRee1993 :

Would you mind catching up on what is going on with you and what you would like help with?

Customer:

I want to be able to leave the relationship and house I share with my partner. I have packed my critical things and can leave tomorrow but I have a few reservations. Firstly I have to leave but I have thought about this, and in fact done it, many times before, only to return. How can I ensure I leave and do not relent this time?

Customer:

His son of 25 years also lives in the house and I do not like the way his father treats him (which I see as a source of power to his dad as he is constantly putting him down). Should I get involved by talking to the son, which I feel is a bit dangerous, or just walk away and leave the son to work out what to do?

JaRee1993 :

Would you mind telling me how long you have been with him and what makes you go back into the relationship? When you are gone, do you contact him or does he try to get you to come back? As far as the son goes, if you feel it would be dangerous, I would wait until you are gone and just let the son know that if he needs to talk that he can contact you. However, make sure it is through a method that will not cause you harm.

Customer:

We have been together three and a half years. I have been suffering from depression during that time, which provides us both with a challenge. My partner likes to attribute all our problems to me/my depression, and while I accept that it does cause significant problems, it is not the case. I go back because I miss him and the closeness we have when things are good with us.

Customer:

I want to be able to stay with him and work through my depression together. The prospect of dealing with this alone is not highly desirable, but now I realise that I am unlikely to recover while I am in this relationship.

JaRee1993 :

Are you on any medication for your depression and do you see a mental health counselor? Would you say that the good times are more than the bad, or that the bad times are more than the good? Have the two of you tried counseling?

Customer:

I am not on medication but have tried it. I have been doing counselling on and off for three years, which helps. I would say the good and bad are split equally at the moment. when things are bad with my partner I feel terrible.

Customer:

We have not tried counselling. I suggested it and he eventually agreed but only in a way that said it would end up being about my depression - ie it was not going to be about us.

Customer:

He never tries to get me back.

JaRee1993 :

When you were on medication did it help with the relationship, or could you tell any difference at all? Even though the counseling for you and him might start out with it being about your depression, most counselors know how to read between the lines and have skills to get to all the issues. Maybe it would be the way to get him there and let the counselor try to work with him. You could meet with the counselor first for a few sessions to see if you would be comfortable doing couples sessions with her/him. What do you think of doing that?

JaRee1993 :

What is the longest you have stayed apart?

Customer:

I think the longest we have stayed about is about two weeks. I rented somewhere for 6 weeks and he said he was hurt that I hadn't invited him to join me, so I did.

Customer:

I was on a low dosage of antidepressants which didn't seem to help with our relationship. I think I ended up switching my reliance from the drugs to him, which I realise was unfair and of course he had no idea how to help me with my depression. he is against drugs in principle, so doesn't really want me to take them again as he thinks I'll just end up on higher and higher dosages. I don't really want to be drugged either!

Customer:

I am cautious about doing joint councilling. He says I wont enjoy it, as I know he'll talk about how awful I am to him, which I am when I am angry with him. I am, however, very open to admitting my faults where as he is highly resistant to accepting any blame, so I really struggle to be heard. In some odd way I want to protect him from finding out that he is to blame as I think he would rather end the relationship that admit that/

JaRee1993 :

It does sound as though he is very good at manipulating you into doing what he wants. I understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. However, there are people who have what we call chronic depression that comes from a chemical imbalance in their brain and need the medication to cause the neurotransmitters to dispense the chemical to the brain in order to not be depressed. Much the same as insulin for a person who has Diabetes. Does that make sense?

Customer:

It does, yes

Customer:

I am really tired of being depressed. I don't know how to solve it and get very frustrated. My therapist, who is very good, says that unless I get to the bottom of my depression it will stay with me, or keep recurring. Maybe I should go to a Dr again and talk through the drug options.

JaRee1993 :

You appear to be very protective of him. Why do you think that is? You talked about his son and the way he treats him, maybe if a counselor can help him come to see the part he plays in the negative aspects of your relationship, he will also see how his behaviors affect his son. Some times when we really love someone we need to hold them accountable for their behavior to assist them with living a healthier life and having better relationships.

Customer:

I agree with you, but he uses us as an excuse not to resolve his issues. I told him, not as nicely as I should, that until he wants to solve this himself then nothing will change. he said he doesn't have an issue so why should he?

JaRee1993 :

I agree with your therapist. If you need medication, nothing else will work until your chemicals are as they should be. You need to take care of you and getting on the right medication will also help you find out if the problem is your depression or his behavior and you will be able to deal with all of it appropriately. Please do not let him keep you from doing what is best for you.

Customer:

I think I am protective of him because I really care about him. Perhaps also because I don't want to lose what we have.

Customer:

Perhaps also I am afraid that I am the problem?

JaRee1993 :

One of the things you need to know about the medication is that it takes time and some times it takes a little time to find the best anti depression for you and the right dosage. Maybe, you might want to think about seeing your therapist again on a regular basis, finding the right medication before you make the decision to leave. Maybe giving yourself some time to do what you need to do for you will give you the skills, knowledge and courage to follow through with leaving and staying gone, or finding the skills to work with the relationship as it is. What do you think?

Customer:

To be honest it feels like that is what I have been doing, but maybe I didn't give it long enough. I realise that you do not know the complete story here, but I have been out of work for a year and away from my own daughters who are living with their dad for now. This time to myself sometimes drives me crazy as none of it is what I am used to. Will doing more of the same get me on a path to recovery or do I just opt back in to the fast life I had and forget me?

JaRee1993 :

It is never good to forget ourselves, it only catches up with us with time. Have you thought about going back to work? How old are your daughters and how often do you get to see them. All that you are telling me just makes me believe even more that you need someone to talk to on a regular basis who is there for you and who can listen as well as give you the skills and knowledge you need to develop the happy, healthy life you deserve.

Customer:

Yes, I do need to talk and have someone listen. My partner is tired of my talking and hearing about my feelings, which he doesn't agree with.

Customer:

I have lost confidence in being able to work.

Customer:

My daughters are 16 and 17 and live in Sydney. I am in the Uk. I hate being away from them but I just spent 2 months there with them. I am considering just leaving here and my partner and going there, but to be honest I don't think I am ready to work and get on with things yet so I might just be swapping one difficult situation for another. I feel a bit homeless right now, which is very unsettling.

Customer:

My eldest daughter has Aspergers. It has been a challenge.

JaRee1993 :

It does sound to me as though you really need to talk with someone in person for at least a few sessions to assist you with working through all you have going on right now. Will you call your therapist and make an appointment to talk and to think about the medication?

Customer:

Sure

JaRee1993 :

I hear the frustration and pain in you and you deserve to be happy. Will you call soon, like in the next couple of days?

Customer:

Yes, I'll do that

JaRee1993 :

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer:

Do you think I am putting too much emphasis on my relationship

Customer:

ie blame

JaRee1993 :

No, I do not, however, I do think that you need to talk through all the pros and cons of the relationship and start thinking about yourself for a change and a good therapist can help you do that. Does that make sense? May I follow up with you in a couple of weeks to see how you are doing

Customer:

ok. Thank you for chatting today. I appreciate it.

JaRee1993 :

If these answers have been helpful please hit rating survey to let me know how to better serve our customers. Thank you again for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

Customer:

Oh - do you think we should couples councilling at the same time, or leave it until I solve my issues

JaRee1993 :

I would leave it until you solve your issues and what you really want to do.

Customer:

ok. Thank you very much for today.

JaRee1993 :

You are very welcome!! I will follow up with you in a week or so if that is okay.

Customer:

Yes, that's ok

JaRee1993 :

Take care of you, you are important!

JaRee1993 :

If these answers have been helpful please hit rating survey to let me know how to better serve our customers. Thank you again for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
JaRee1993 and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 10 months ago.
Just checking to see if you were able to find a counselor you could talk with and to see how things were going for you.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.


Hi. Thanks for following up. Yes, I have seen my therapist and have regular sessions booked and I also started antidepressants again. Things are ok but not great.

Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 10 months ago.
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Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 10 months ago.
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