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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Last night me and my gf got into a fight because I didnt feel

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Last night me and my gf got into a fight because I didn't feel like she was valuing me. We went to dinner and had a good time there. Then I asked her what she felt like doing and she wanted to go to a karaoke bar. I didn't really wanna go but went anyway to make her happy. We only stayed for like 30 minutes and then we left. On the drive home things were really tense and I asked her what was wrong because she was in a really bad mood. SHe said she doesn't feel like she can relax and be herself and have fun because she thinks I get intimidated and she wants to make sure I'm ok with her letting loose. I told her I wanted someone to be content with just being with me and not always searching to have fun. It feels like she's not appreciating me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand how your gf's behavior bothered you. Her statement that she doesn't feel like she can relax, be herself, have fun and so forth is baffling. Why is she with you if she doesn't feel like she can be herself? And yes..you are right...a gf should be content to be with you...not always searching for the next fun "thing" to do.

Dr. L :

The truth is that you can only be you...and she can only be her. If she is "faking it" - pretending to be your gf or using you for social reasons only...then this is not a person you want to make a commitment to.

Dr. L :

It would seem important that you have a chat about where your relationship is at...and if there is the potential to make it a mutual satisfying relationship. Right now you don't sound very satisfied.

Dr. L :

You wrote that you talked about it last night and today. Was she willing to talk about this without getting defensive? Did talking to her give you more information about how she is feeling and what she wants in a relationship with you?

Dr. L :

It seems to me that you are a very reasonable and caring guy. You deserve to know where you stand with your gf.

Dr. L :

I await your reply.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer:

Today I went to her house and we tried talking about it for around 10 minutes. I told her it doesn't feel like she appreciates me or can be settled being with me and content just enjoying our time together. She started telling me not to tell her how she is feeling and then started yelling at me telling me to shut up. She asked if I wanted to get a few things in her house and I interpreted that as she didn't want me to come back. Because of this I then sais well I should just get everything else from your house then. So she started bringing things out of her house that I had given her from when my mom passed away and she took of her necklace and bracelet that use to be my moms and gave them back to me too. We've been texting back and forth now and she's telling me all kinds of hurtful things saying that it's over. The funny thing is that all I wanted is for her to reassure me that she values me and somehow she has turned it around saying I don't value her! All I wanted was some reassurance.

Customer:

I guess there's more of a twist to the whole situation too. I have been accepted to pharmacy school in CA and have to move from AZ in July. With this knowledge she has been telling me she doesn't want to move with me unless we are engaged or married. I have been feeling a lot of pressure to propose and I don't feel it is the right thing to do. I hope that out of love she would want to be with me regardless of the circumstances.

Dr. L :

I wonder if what has been bothering her is your impending move and her reluctance to move without an engagement first. From all that you have said, your relationship does not seem on solid enough ground for you to be considering marriage.

Dr. L :

Perhaps all of what happened last night and today was a misunderstanding...that is, she is worried about you moving and what that will mean to your relationship and so she is acting badly towards you out of her own fear. If she truly wants to marry you...then she is doing a very poor job of showing you - and telling you - that she loves you. On the other hand, if this is not a misunderstanding and she truly does want to end the relationship..then you must take her actions today and yesterday seriously and realize that your relationship is ending with her.

Dr. L :

And, yes, I agree with you...if she loves you she should be willing to be with you regardless if marriage is on the table or not.

Dr. L :

And, yes, what you were asking for yesterday was reassurance that she is happy being with you, but she failed to do that and, instead, made it all about her.

Dr. L :

+

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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