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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi Dr. L, can we chat?

Resolved Question:

Hi Dr. L, can we chat?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L : Hello,
Dr. L : Yes...I am available...
Dr. L : How are you? It is nearly 9 pm my time. I will be on for several hours.
Customer: Hi
Customer: are you still available?
Customer: It's been a long time and many things have happened
Customer: For starters, they changed my boss
Customer: and things haven't been very smooth
Dr. L : I am here.
Customer: Hi
Dr. L : Tell me what has been going on and how I can help you...
Customer: Many things have been going on and you can help me by just listening and maybe understand better the situation
Customer: *help me understand
Dr. L : Yes...I would be very happy to listen and provide my thoughts...
Customer: they changed my boss o someone that has been angry for a long time with the company
Customer: she is now favoring her friends and I complained
Customer: the top executives took my side and defended me
Customer: but I feel that after all my hard work it is disappointing to have to be in this position
Customer: it is very frustrating to see how a couple of people take advantage of a whole department and things are crazy
Customer: everyone is angry and disappointed
Customer: what I fear is that nobody really cares
Customer: top executives defended me because they need me, but I am not sure they are thinking about real solutions to the problem
Dr. L : I am sorry that you have been put in this terrible position.
Dr. L : Are you thinking about changing jobs? Are there are possibilities for promotion to get you away from this person?
Customer: that is what they are supposedly thinking about... but I don't know how long it will take
Customer: I actually thought about leaving and the top boss told me that she wanted me in her team
Customer: she said she needed time to think about the solution but this new boss has created so many problems that I don't think there has been time to think about what to do with me
Customer: the company has bigger problems
Customer: I could easily stay working the same way I have been doing it, and nothing else will happen to me
Customer: but I even won an international award for the company!
Customer: I should be rewarded instead of thinking I should go somewhere else... you know what I mean?
Customer: It just feels so unfair
Customer: apparently not only in my personal life do people take advantage of me
Customer: and I am tired of it
Dr. L : Yes..you are right...you should be rewarded by having a boss that appreciates your contribution to the company and the top executives should do all they can to make sure that you are respected and treated well. I can understand why they want you to stay as you are an asset to the company...but they have a responsibility to take care of you if they want you on their team. I encourage you to start looking for another job so that you have a backup plan if the top boss does not come up with a solution within a time frame you are comfortable with. You need to stay in control!!!
Dr. L : The similarities between your personal life and your work life is the feeling that others have control over your life. That does not feel good to you! You need to be in control and not allow others to treat you like a puppet.
Customer: the people I supervise adore me, but they tell me I am too nice with people
Customer: and yes, I feel like a puppet
Dr. L : You might consider telling the top boss that you will be patient with them finding a solution, but that you want a solution no later than September - or another date that feels fair to you. What do you think of that?
Customer: I feel everyone uses me, and they are happy with my services whichever they are, but they don;t feel they owe nothing to me
Dr. L : They do owe you something! They owe you a safe work environment. They owe you a fair wage for the work you perform. They owe you respect.
Dr. L : It is wonderful that the people you supervise adore you. And, I would take their words to heart...being too nice to people leaves you open to being used and abused.
Dr. L : Good Morning,
Dr. L : I will be available for several hours this morning if you have a chance to chat again.
Customer: hi
Customer: apparently the top boss reprimanded my new boss and everyone has to behave with me at work
Customer: but I don't find that to be enough
Customer: I don't want to work with people that are coerced to treat me right
Customer: I don't know if they are going to do something else, but it seems unfair that they expect me to keep working with them... actually UNDER them!
Customer: the problem is that my new boss hates my old boss, who is actually very well considered at work. My new boss worked to have my old boss fired, and instead he got promoted. Apparently I am seen by the new boss and people from the other boss
Customer: I am seen as people that support my old boss
Customer: It is a mess and I am not sure it is going to get fixed
Customer: everyone is unhappy with the new boss, and since I was second in command, I get the worse of it
Customer: This problem has had all my attention for the last couple of months
Customer: I am emotionally exhausted and I have so much work!!!
Customer: it is too much!
Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

Give me a minute to read your reply...

Customer: I spoke to someone that is my friend in Human Resources and he said that his recommendation was to wait for the top boss to make a move... the question is... will she do something?
Dr. L :

It sure does sound like a messy situation. This sort of thing is common in corporations as people tend to form alliances and build loyal relationships so that when there is a shake-up of some sort in the organization then no one is safe.

Dr. L :

And what sort of "move" was he speaking about?

Dr. L :

Did he tell you that?

Customer: no
Customer: I think they are thinking of firing the VP
Customer: but then there is my direct boss and the three rats (that's how people call them) under her
Dr. L :

I think it would be far better for you to decide what you want to do then to wait for her to make a move. If she has just been promoted..what are the chances that the company will move her to another department?

Dr. L :

Are you one of the 3 rats?

Customer: no
Dr. L :

If they fire the VP will they put her in that place?

Customer: no
Customer: they will put my old boss
Customer: which would be PERFECT for me
Dr. L :

Have you talked to your old boss about all of this?

Dr. L :

I mean about what is happening with the new boss?

Dr. L :

Would your old boss bring you along if he gets made VP?

Customer: yes, he was actually the one that talked to the top boss
Customer: yes, he would bring me along
Dr. L :

Does your old boss have more power right now then your new boss?

Customer: yes, but he is not my direct boss
Dr. L :

So...do you feel that the best thing for you to do right now is to be patient and wait to see if your old boss becomes VP?

Customer: he would take me in a heartbeat but they need me where I am - that is the dilemma
Dr. L :

Hmmm...

Dr. L :

Then maybe they ought to start grooming someone for your current position so that you will be free to move with your old boss.

Customer: I already requested to be transferred with him, but the top boss said that even though it would be great, my position is not easy to fill
Dr. L :

Do you feel that you would be more valuable to the corporation staying where you are..or moving with your old boss when/if he becomes VP?

Customer: I am not sure
Dr. L :

What are your feelings about what the top boss said...that your position is not easy to fill?

Customer: I know that the company appreciates me but it is not fair to sacrifice me either
Customer: they are probably going to make me stay because that is what is convenient for them
Dr. L :

Exactly. Would it be possible to have a private conversation with your old boss and tell him just what you wrote...that you feel you are being sacrificed and that you feel that is unfair and unreasonable.

Customer: he knows that
Customer: he would love to be able to take me with him
Customer: but he doesn't have the last word
Customer: he was actually the one that told the top boss what was going on
Customer: he may be waiting for his opportunity, but he won't tell me
Customer: he may know what is going to happen, but he can't tell me
Customer: the problem is... what nothing happens?
Customer: maybe he will be VP, but when?
Customer: how long will I have to endure being there?
Dr. L :

Yes...that is the problem precisely...how long do you have to endure this terrible situation?!!!

Dr. L :

If the company really believes you are that valuable...then they have to make it worth it for you to stay. Period.

Dr. L :

One way to think about this is to ask yourself how much you are willing to endure...a month, 3 months, 6 months?

Customer: It depends
Dr. L :

At what point will you say...enough is enough ... and I will leave no matter what they offer me or how much they say I am irreplaceable.

Dr. L :

Tell me more about "it depends"....

Customer: if there is a happy ending, I can wait a long time... the problem is: I am not sure what side will win
Dr. L :

At this moment...there is no guarantee of a "happy ending"...

Customer: then I need to look for another job
Dr. L :

So...let's look at it from a logical position....

Dr. L :

if everything stays exactly as it is today...how much more can you take of this...

Customer: a few months
Customer: enough until I find a new job
Dr. L :

Okay...so do you think it would be in your best interest to start looking for a new job today...

Customer: yes
Customer: I need to start looking before I have a nervous breakdown
Customer: if they value me, we will see what happens then
Dr. L :

Yes...that is the point...if they really value you they will do all they can to assure that you stay. At this point, they are offering you empty promises and you feel used.

Dr. L :

You have to take care of you.

Dr. L :

Your first responsibility is to your self and your son.

Customer: what hurts is that I have invested so much time and energy, that starting in a new place means I have to "sell" myself again
Dr. L :

They know that they will have a difficult time of replacing you and still they are not doing much to keep you happy and working for them. It will be there loss if you leave as they have a way to keep you.

Dr. L :

Yes...that is true...it is painful thinking that they aren't doing more to keep you. But as I say...that is there loss.

Customer: I wish I could find a nice opportunity soon, but it will take some time
Dr. L :

Sometimes changing jobs brings you a significant pay increase because the pay increases in your current job may not be keeping pace with the marketplace.

Customer: That is a good point
Dr. L :

The first place to start is to dust off your resume and get it freshened up. Then start looking at other opportunities with companies that you already have some contact with. You might also thin about finding a "headhunter"...

Dr. L :

Yes...it is often true that wages will be higher.

Customer: I guess what hurts is that I feel that even when people value me, they seem not to care much losing me
Customer: i have to tell you what happened with the guy I was going out with
Customer: the story did not end the last time we spoke
Dr. L :

Yes...what happened...

Customer: he waited a month and then contacted me, asking to talk
Customer: I said I didn't have time, but a week later was my birthday
Customer: the guy came to my office with a huge present and apologized and behave like a perfect gentleman
Customer: he finally said that he was in love with me
Customer: and it seemed true
Customer: but not in a good way
Customer: he started being crazy jelous
Customer: he made me cry almost every time we spoke
Dr. L :

Oh my...

Customer: he was never sure that I loved him
Customer: he made my life more miserable than ever
Customer: I wanted to break up and couldn't find the way
Customer: I prayed every day for help but didn't dare to do it
Customer: until one day, he insisted in helping me change my car
Customer: he called me on a Saturday and forced me to go to a dealer that was 35miles away from home
Customer: when I got there, there was no deal, but I had to listen to him saying that I was frustrating because I didn't come soon enough, blah, blah, blah
Customer: I told him that if it was so frustrating, then he shouldn't do it
Customer: that comment made him explode so badly that he started saying that I was selfish and that he was wasting his time
Customer: and that he had to "rethink" the relationship and the time he was putting on it
Dr. L :

This sounds very typical with him...

Customer: I tried to apologize for "offending" him even though I though it was unproportionate
Dr. L :

You owed him no apology...

Customer: he didn't call that week because on Friday it was his birthday
Dr. L :

He was being his usual selfish, jealous, controlling and demanding self...

Customer: I didn't call him
Customer: even on his birthday
Dr. L :

Oh boy....

Customer: I didn't call
Dr. L :

I bet he wasn't happy about that...

Customer: he was trying to make me beg
Customer: not knowing that it was my opportunity to get out
Customer: AND he got fired
Dr. L :

He got fired!!!!

Customer: so I didn't have to see him anymore
Dr. L :

What happened?

Customer: yes
Customer: Finally they fired him
Customer: yes
Customer: so I didn't break up with him because he was depressed
Customer: but when he tried to manipulate me, I took the opportunity
Dr. L :

You gave him too much sympathy!

Customer: I know
Dr. L :

Good for you!

Dr. L :

Has he contacted you since then?

Dr. L :

I'm so glad he is out of the company! That made it so hard...he stalked you there and had such easy access to you.

Customer: a week after the fight (and his birthday) he went to the company with the excuse of an interview
Customer: but now it is not that easy to get in there without a real appointment
Customer: when he went, I saw him in the hallway
Customer: I acted "normal" like he was a coworker
Customer: but I tried to make it brief
Customer: and it was obvious that he would have liked to talk but not show that he wanted to
Customer: I didn't feel anything
Customer: I was relieved
Customer: I sometimes ask myself if I was really bad or if I was unfair, but I really don't think I did anything wrong
Dr. L :

Good..you did not get caught up in his web...

Dr. L :

I imagine that you feel much more relaxed at work knowing he is not hiding behind every corner.

Customer: yes I do
Customer: I feel free
Dr. L :

Very good

Customer: he was a burden
Dr. L :

You deserve to be free of that nasty man....

Customer: but what caught me was that he really seemed to be in love
Dr. L :

really free!

Customer: I am so stupid
Customer: just because he said he loved me, I gave him another chance, after all he had done
Dr. L :

NO...you are not stupid...you were easily manipulated...

Customer: and because I thought he loved me, I took more abuse
Dr. L :

Please remember that he is a controlling man...and that he knew how to take advantage of your goodness, your lonliness, and your desire to please other people.

Customer: but you see what I mean?
Dr. L :

He loved you in his own way...but that was not the kind of love you want or need.

Dr. L :

Yes...I do see what you mean...you are to easily persuaded by him....you lose your head around him and do not stay firm.

Customer: A woman you love is not easy to replace, but he abused me... a worker like me is not easy to replace, but they abuse me
Customer: no matter what I do, people abuse me
Customer: why is the world this way?
Dr. L :

You are correct...there are many ways to be used in this world...by a lover, by a company, by friends, by family...

Dr. L :

What we have to do is to stay wise...stay vigilant .... to this kind of treatment. You must learn to not let people take advantage of you and to put your foot down more quickly. It was never okay for this man to mistreat you. And you were, at times, unwilling to see the truth of how controlling and how manipulative he was. You must learn to distinguish between people who are truthful and sincere and those that are not.

Customer: I am so tired of trying to give my best to receive crumbs
Dr. L :

You must say to yourself that you are a valuable and worthwhile person and that you will absolutely NOT tolerate someone taking advantage of you. That is why this mess at work is so bothersome.

Dr. L :

Then stop doing it.

Dr. L :

Stop working so hard.

Customer: the good thing is that the guy has not contacted me in almost two months - but that doesn't mean he won't
Dr. L :

Stop giving yourself to others and not getting anything back.

Dr. L :

Right...he might get lonely again and start bothering you. You must be firm. You have given him far too many chances. He is not worth it. You must move on...

Customer: I moved on
Dr. L :

Maybe a change in jobs will bring you in contact with some better people...and maybe you will make new friends..including a man.

Dr. L :

Good...moving on is the right thing to do...

Customer: I am alone but I don't feel lonely
Dr. L :

Great! That's the healthy position...

Customer: and the problem at work has kept me occupied, not in a good way
Dr. L :

It is important to learn how to embrace those times when we are alone..and learn to not be lonely.

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand how the work issues would be all consuming. It certainly has been challenging...

Dr. L :

It is time for some joy and happiness to come into your life instead of all this chaos.

Dr. L :

I'm glad your old boss has been a source of support. But...the company has to do more to keep you. They cannot assume you will stay just because they feel they need you.

Dr. L :

It is time for me to say good bye.

Customer: thank you
Customer: good bye
Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

Please take care!

Dr. L :

Stay firm in not allowing others to use you.

Dr. L :

If the company does not make any changes soon...please consider looking for a new job.

Customer: yes
Dr. L :

It might be scary and difficult...but you absolutely cannot allow anyone to take advantage of you. You must stand up for yourself. You are now aware of this terrible pattern in which you work so hard to please others...and all they do is give you crumbs. You can stop that pattern.

Dr. L :

You deserve better.

Dr. L :

Take care!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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