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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi There! First of all, thank you for your time. I will

Customer Question

Hi There!

First of all, thank you for your time. I will make it simple and short. I need advice BADLY!

Okay here it goes, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We love each other very much and we talk about marriage, kids and the future all the time.

To describe our relationship, I say it's somewhat good. We use to fight a lot before, and now its definitely less. I think the main reason why we fight a lot are communication issues, or we don't communicate well sometimes. (what's new right?)

Anywayz, I will admit that we fight sometimes because of the things I say. When we fight I don't think its healthy. We sometimes insult each other, and we call each other names, but not really bad ones. We say phrases such as ("I don't Care", "Whatever!", "I'm done with this!", "Do what you want", "It doesn't matter!"

I must admit he says it more than I have. He worked in Sacramento for a year (2012) and move back to LA. We had a long-distance relationship and we survived it after spending thousands of dollars on air flights. He finally moved back to Los Angeles about a month ago. We don't live together, but we talk about it.

We got into a BIG fight last week, someone tried to break in to his apartment and I was scared shitless. The police came, and told us to stay inside. But he still went outside and I tried to stop him because I was so scared who was out there, if they had a gun or what.

The next day, we got into a big fight because I felt he completely disregarded my feelings and left me scared. He asked me not fight about it, but I wanted to make a point to consider what I feel. He said he wanted to help the police identify the individual.

Anyway, on Friday the 17th I looked at his cellphone, I've never done that but I had a feeling. So I looked at it and I found text messages to a girl he met after we fought. Just text messages no phone calls. He invited her to go out for dinner, but the girl said she can't make it and when he went to vegas on Wednesday 15th, he texted the girl he was in Vegas. He was also going there coincidencilly on Friday. He told her the hotel he was staying out and ask him to let him know when she arrives. He left Friday morning so they never met.

I asked him about it right away. and he was honest to me and said he was talking to someone else. He said he meet her at his apartment complex, he said he did it out of spite and anger. He apologize prefusely and asked me to be his wife not officially but he's been thinking about marriage for a long time. He also said it literally meant nothing. His exact word was "it was just for entertainment" I can't help the fact that it could have led to something physical or they could have kept communicating. I also feel that I definitely pushed him away to act out like this.

Now what do I do, do I stay with him? How can we fix things? How can I forget that I think a part of him wanted something to happened between them. Even though he stated he has never visualize sex with anyone else but me. How do we move on?

I'm lost and my confidence and self-esteem has reached the depths of the ocean. I'm now sooo insecure and doesn't have the strenght to decide for myself. PLEASE HELP! If I can call please let me know!

Thank you!!!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like when the two of you fight, you both feel the hurt very deeply. Because of that, you each lash out at each other in an attempt to get the other person to back off. And while you get hurt easily, it sounds like you both love each other very much as well.

However, your boyfriend's infidelity is another story. No matter how hurt he was after your arguments, bringing another person into the relationship always makes things worse, not better. Because of that, he needs to address this issue right away so it does not happen again. The worst thing to do to a relationship is to undermine the trust. That is the foundation.

When trust is undermined in a relationship, it can be difficult to cope with. But it can be rebuilt if both people are willing to try. Here are some tips to help you regain trust with your boyfriend:

One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult.

Two, has he stopped all contact with this other person? He needs to do so as a first step to regaining trust.

Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help if at any time you feel stuck in the process. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If
you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often very good
counselors. Also, if you have problems affording therapy, try your local community mental health center. They can offer therapy on a sliding scale fee system.

The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated.

Here are some books that may help you. While they focus on marriage infidelity, they still apply to your situation:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.


I hope this has helped you,

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Kate,

Thank you for your reply, all three steps were accomplished the next day. He said sorry and deep apologize for what he did. He then erased the phone number right away from his phone. Then we talked about what happend and what need to do for the relationship to work. We pretty much locked ourselves in my room and talked about it.

So you believe I should give him a second chance?
I will get the book from amazon for sure.

No one of main issues is my self-esteem and confidence. I feel so insecure inside and out. I believe that I'm a very strong person and I don't want him to see weak. :-(
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I understand. Yes, if your boyfriend did everything necessary to regain your trust, then a second chance is worth the risk. But keep in mind, this needs to be on going for a while so you can be sure of the relationship. Trust can take a while to rebuild. And being that you recognize your feelings of insecurity, his reassurance will go a long way to helping you both to bond again.

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Here is another resource that may help:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/how-can-you-learn-trust-again

Kate




May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just submitted the rating.

Thank you for other suggestion.

Lastly, we did had a little argument the next day, and said that he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will come with me asking questions more than usual.

I dont want ot put it in his face what he did, I don't want that because I think no progress will come out of that. But he got mad and said " we're done! forget it" I explained to him, this is freshed to me and I can't forget it overnight I'm dealing with it the best I can. Don't punish me for acting different in the beginning.

So my question is this a bad sign? He will answer anything I asked but he seemed annoyed by it and frustrated. His exact words "I don't want drama"
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Kate. But honestly his not the type to see a therapist maybe read a book together, a very small maybe. Thanks again. I just want to work on myself and regain my confidence and self-esteem.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! This is not easy, I know. Hang in there.

Kate

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1568 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues