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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3190
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello! Im a 30 year old guy who has been dating a 24 year

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I'm a 30 year old guy who has been dating a 24 year old girl for the past 3.5 months. We met in the office during her first few weeks at a new job and really hit it off. After a few weeks of talking a lot and going on a few dates we started seeing each other very regularly and she was staying over at my apartment more often than not. We've kept the relationship pretty quite from colleagues since she didn't want to feel uncomfortable at her new job.

I've taken her home to meet my family on a couple occasions and was invited to her house to go to dinner and stay over to celebrate her mother's birthday with her and both her parents. The weekend went as well as I could have hoped and she said that her mom really liked me, which is a first for anyone she's brought home.

About 10 days ago she went to FL with her mother to visit her grandmother. I offered to watch her dog while she was away and we talked everyday. Things couldn't have been better in my opinion. She got home last Monday night and we spent the evening together, which also went great. However when Tues AM rolled around, she started being more standoffish. At this point she had spent 5 days in FL and the previous 7 days straight with me and hadn't seen her friends much over the past month.

She told me that she wanted more space for her friends and balance in her life, which I completely support. The hard part has been that while asking for this space she has also been showing me much less affection and I don't know what to do any longer. We've hung out a couple times in the past week but she hasn't wanted to kiss me or have any physical contact besides cuddling for a movie.

We've talked a couple times and she's told me that she doesn't feel like she's ready for anything more at this point, but wants to still hang out and see if she thinks we get back to a point where she's comfortable being more than 'friends'. I've told her how that I really like her and don't want her to push me away, but feel very conflicted on the best way to communicate with her and prevent any further pushback without freaking her out…

Her change in attitude and affection towards me has been such as unexpected 180 degree change that I'm hurt and confused, but don't want those feelings to cloud my judgement and respond in a way that will push her away further…. should I be supportive of the space and continue hanging out casually and act as though it isn't a big deal? It's hard to envision being emotionally healthy in taking this route for an extended period of time….

I'm confused and want back what we had just last week and am afraid i'll mess things up further…. please help :/

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : |am sorry to know about your very frustrating situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Unhappily as long as she does not choose to be truly open and honest towards you about her dramatic changes about you and the relationship, it would be unrealistic to trust her and hope for things to evolve just fine with time, while you repress your feelings and shock from her decision to end what you just started to develop together.
Customer: thanks, XXXXX XXXXX your thoughts
Customer: makes sense but she still wants to hang out, which is confusing
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Pushing her would not help, once no healthy and fulfilling relationship could grow without reciprocal respect, affection, commitment and support. She is directly telling you that she does not want to continue the relationship the way it's been, and there is nothing you could do about that. This has been a very young relationship, so there is still a lot you do not know about her, and that partially explain these challenging circumstances.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I see, and that's why you need to be truthful with yourself and define if you truly feel able and willing to afford such friendship or not.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : She has set her boundaries and limits and you need to do the same in consistency with what you feel, want and are willing to afford in this situation.
Customer: Thanks for your feedback. I know that she's been getting a lot of grief from her friends about not being around lately, which is def in-part the reason for her sudden change in behavior. We had been hanging out on a daily basis for a couple months straight, so part of me feels like she's afraid of the relationship continuing to get more serious and distancing herself from her friends. Part of me feels like I should be supportive and not close the door, while continuing to act confident with the situation while she gets more balance back in her personal life
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I totally support your plan, as long as you feel comfortable, capable and willing to do that, it seems absolutely worthy to try it.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : That way you would find out in the process if this work, how honest she happens to be and if you truly could find a good balance together, based on your compatibility around personalities, core values and expectations, and what you learn from each other during this new phase
Customer: right on, makes sense...
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Many people can do react that way when having issues from past relationships leading them to fear a similar scenario could develop in their present experiences. This is why, being empathic and patient could be necessary, but just do not forget to be always truthful towards yourself, about what you want and can afford, and honest towards her, for you to know if this could truly evolve into soemthing strong and more fulfilling with time or not.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Set a period of time reasonable for you to wait and see how things evolve, then you would reassess the situation and make necessary adjustments based on your experiences and what you want at that time for you.
Customer: thanks, XXXXX XXXXX the help
Customer: it's hard, but worth a shot for sure
Customer: sorry for the limited replies, im on a customer call right now and its hard to multi-task
Rafael M.T.Therapist : No problem, I do understand.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Please feel free to reply as necessary for further clarification. I am here to support you. Thank you for your trust.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3190
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
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