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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I need to know whether I can salvage my relationship of 3

Customer Question

I need to know whether I can salvage my relationship of 3 years?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

I know that you are hurting very much and that it is hard to live with an injured heart. We have all been there, but every time it hurts. My sympathies are with you.

It seems that your recent partner has made a clean break with you. If he has been unhappy with the relationship for a long time, then it probably took him a great deal of courage to do what he did, and a great deal of thought as well.

Right now you have little choice about giving him space. If you contact him now you will probably annoy him and do more harm than good.

You could wait a few more days and then, after this period of thoughtful meditation on the past events, and based on what he has told you in words and deeds, write him a well thought out letter asking him to be honest with you and tell you why he made this break with you, and further requesting him to reconsider getting back together with you.

Because his decision was one that he led up to slowly, rather than succumbing to anger or a certain spontaneous urge, he may be adamant and not change his mind.

I'm sure it is not all your fault and he has his own shortcomings, one of them seeming to be an inability to communicate adequately. All you can do is give it your best effort.

In case this does not work, I would like to recommend a wonderful book for you which WILL help to give you closure as you move forward, opening a new and better chapter in your life, one that will bring rewards instead of heartbreak.

Product Details

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

 

Do your best to try to salvage this relationship but understand that there is life beyond a breakup. It is good to have two plans so that if you cannot change things you can begin to move forward with your life.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers for success and for closure of your emotional wounds, one way or the other.

 

Warm regards,


Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ELLIOT. Thank you. He was unable to properly tell me the cause of his unhappiness but after a lot of self reflection I believe I know the root of all our problems. I moved to a new town a year ago, and I have found it so hard adjusting. I lost myself and have become a different person, I no longer was the happy, confident, fun person I was, I became sad, unconfident and unsocial. Throughtout this my partner has always been by my side, and I think with time I have completely lost myself and forgot how to make myself happy. I made my happiness completely dependent on him, and this was so unfair and unreasonable for me to put so much responsibility on him. He would come to visit me on weekends (he lives somewhere else), and I was wanting him to overcompensate for me being unhappy the rest of the week. Of course he was always going to fall short, I could only make myself happy, and his love should've just added to my life and not have been the source of all my joy. I did this without ever realising what I had become, and it has taken this break up to wake me up. How much time should I give him before I approch him? 2 weeks? a month? I don't want to push him away even more than I have, but I need to tell him that I understand my role in all of this now, and that I will never become that person again. I have noticed a change in myself, even though it has not been long, and I truly believe I am starting to once again become the person that he loved. I have been going out with friends, enjoying life, living every moment with no regrets and despite all this pain I know that I will be happy again no matter what. But I can't just move on without giving it another try. I loved him with all my heart and I still do. Our relationship in the beginning was incredible, we would just lie on his bed together and just talk for 8 hours straight, go to parties and feel like we were the only people in the room and he would tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me one day and I know he believed and meant every word he said. I was planning to befriend him again, and show him I am becoming the person he once loved with all his heart and eventualy try and ask him for another chance, but now I don't know whether to do that or ask him to meet me and just tell him straight up about everything I have now come to realise and assure him it would never happen again. I want to do whatever I have to, to give me the best chance of earning his love back. I don't care how long it takes but if things don't work out I want to at least know that I did everything I could to get him back, thats the only way I can be at peace.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear LIta,

You have written a very beautiful and powerful letter. It is honest, from the heart, clear, and very credible. It is exactly the kind of message that could turn things around. If I got such a letter I would be moved and pay attention, and feel quite pleased.

My recommendation is that you take the ideas and many of the words from this letter and CAREFULLY rewrite it to your loved one, with great care and craftsmanship.

Hopefully, he will hear the song of love in your heart and will be moved to reply positively.

Don't make demands or set a schedule. Just plant the seeds - these loving thoughts from your heart to his - and hope they will grow.

I wish you great success. and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ELLIOTT. Should I write him a letter or read it to him in person? I fear he might not read it or see how much I truly mean every word. Is there anything I should add or avoid saying?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear LIta,

Why in the world did you rate me with bad service after all of the caring time I have spent listening to you and trying to help? Do I really deserve that?

I gave you fabulous advice. This is a letter. Send it to him. The one you wrote to me was great. If he cannot hear it in the letter then he will hear it even less in person.

Keep it the way it is but talk directly to him.

Don't add or subtract anything.

If he can't tell from that letter how ou feel then you will never get through to him.

Please change my feedback to positive.

Thank you so much,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Lita,

Thank you so much. I shall keep you in my prayers for postive results.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I guess I'm looking for answers about this whole thing - but I guess I know that can only really come from him, which I tried to get but it just made him mad. This whole thing came as a shock to me because just 2 weeks before, we were planning an overseas trip together. Last time he came to see me in the town that I live we went to get information about hotels and what not and we had a great weekend together, the 2 weeks before that I had a terrible week and I really needed someone's support and for family reasons he wasn't gonna come. But he did, and I was so happy I cried and he had the biggest smile on his face because he could tell how much I loved and appreciated him. He said he didn't love me anymore, but I just don't understand how someone could fake those moments. These last 2 weeks leading towards our breakup were awful, and there was so much miscommunication between us. He wasn't going to come see me for 2 weeks, which I'm used to but for the first time he stopped communicating as much, no calls and minimal texts. I now understand that he was just working so hard but in my mind I felt like he was pulling away. Then I was really heartbroken when he didn't remember I was gonna come and visit him. Things just kept getting worse when he called me 15 min before I arrived telling me he wouldn't be able to pick me up, and the next day when I invited him over for dinner and he said yes but then called me in the morning telling me he would be working. He came to see me that night and we could both tell things had become strained, then I made a huge mistake and said we should go on a break for a couple of weeks. In my head I really thought it would make him miss me, and save me the disappointment of not getting anything from him while he worked. But I now realise how deeply it hurt him, and when we broke up he just seemed to be so angry and have so many resentments towards me, he showed me a side I had never seen before. Do you think this pushed him over the edge and caused him to think our relationship was over? It has only been a week since this happened and I fear if I send the letter now he will still be in the same state of mind.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for all the replies. I met him and we talked like normal, he didn't show any anger towards me like the last time I talked to him and it was very friendly but confusing as well. He asked to see me again in a week, but I'm having a hard time understanding why he would want to see me if we're no longer together and how those romantic feeling could switch to a friendship so quickly? Because they certainly haven't for me. I gave him my letter at the end, I guess all I can do now is wait. But how long should I wait if he decides to not reply at all? Won't there be a point where I should give up and move on with my life? Or if a long time has passed and I haven't heard from him should I ask to see him one last time?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He suggested we catch up before I gave him my letter. Which told him to take his time and to make a choice once he was ready, which is why I'm hesistant to intitiate contact. But at the same time we have to see eachother at some point because we booked flights to go overseas and he will need to cancel his booking if we are not going to get back together. The strange thing is when I last saw him he asked me to cancel it for him and get back to him whether I got a refund or not so he can pay me back (I paid for it but he did all the arrangements with the travel company so surely he could do this himself?). I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how much time I should wait if I don't hear back from him which I haven't yet.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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