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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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I need some help with the following situation (I numbered it

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I need some help with the following situation (I numbered it to make it clearer since it is hard to narrate so many events): 1.Less than a year ago I met a woman (Ana), from my country (Guatemala), who came to the U.S. for the grad school (as I did). She is married and has no kids. We became really good friends since we had many things in common and similar opinions, we were the only people in town from Guatemala, we have a similar background, language, age(28). 3. I trusted to her many of my deepest concerns and life experiences, I believe I felt comfortable doing so because of these reasons: a) she was (is) married so didn't feel judged, b) she is a psychologist. 4. A little later(all this time her husband was in Guatemala), she started telling me about her life, and how she had had an affair in the past which ended very sadly, but that she did never experienced guilt. I noticed that she was interested in me and a few days later, we had sex one time. She wanted to continue the relationship/affair, but I decided not to. She said she felt really anxious about my withdrawal since she said she had never in the past considered getting a divorce, or felt in the past as she did with me. 5. At this point I decided to step out of the situation and not talk to her for some time, but a few days after, I found myself talking to her again, but not having a sexual relationship. She mentioned again that she did not love her husband, to which I always listened and tried to support by saying that she should leave her marriage if she wasn’t happy. She asked me if I could be available in the case she would leave her husband, to which I replied that I didn’t know since I didn’t feel any emotional attachment or attraction at the time. 6. When we went to Guatemala for the winter break, she called me and wanted to meet, but it didn’t happen. She asked me to see her at her house, that is, see her and her husband. I thought it was somewhat out of line. Anyway, we still talked over the phone and she always brought the subject of not knowing whether or not to leave her husband. She said many things but she did not leave him, she did not even mention any problem. 7. During this time, I met a girl; started dating her, but it was a long distance relationship. Things did not work out, and I found myself in the position of not being able to break up (as I have in the past, like obligating myself). I finally did, but while this was happening, I started questioning myself about the fact that a “relationship” with Ana was maybe what I really needed, since she understood me for the most part, I felt support and communication that were lacking in this new relationship. I tried to set that thought apart, but the more I tried to not think about it, the more I did, until the point in which I became really entangled with this thought/need to talk about it with her. 8. Some days after, I told Ana that I felt something for her. She said that she still liked me. Ironically, I was actually asking for her to say “no”, as I thought that would simplify things, but said she couldn’t say no (neither could she say yes). I also mentioned that I wasn’t able to promise something too concrete about the future, and that if she ever wanted to leave her husband that she probably shouldn’t do it because of me. She suggested that we’d go a weekend somewhere by ourselves in order to clarify our feelings, since we were both confused; but I said no. I decided to step away. 9. Some months have passed, she seems to be doing better with her marriage, I haven’t really talked to her, I’m doing somewhat better. I do want to move on more than anything (obviously I have not completely been able to), but I get thoughts in the lines of: “I will never feel as comfortable, supported or understood as I did with her” or “maybe you should try and see if she wants to leave her husband for you, that way at least you won’t have doubts” “it is your responsibility to take action and ask her to leave her marriage”. Now the question is, and I know there are not right or wrong answers, but do you think that I am doing something that could more likely be better (for me and in general) in the long run by staying away from her? by looking for new partners? Is it possible that, by putting my mind and heart to it, I can find a satisfying life eventually? I have lost some motivation to life; I am looking for the strength to fully move on, to believe that there is a possibility for me aside from this situation, since I think it is not very convenient. What do you recommend? Thanks, Rodolfo.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L : Hello,
Dr. L : I would like to help you with your question.
Dr. L : Thank you for numbering your responses as this is a long and complicated situation.
Dr. L : First, your relationship with Ana does not seem healthy. She is a married woman. Period. You should not get in between her and her husband no matter what she says about not being sure she loves her husband. This is something she needs to work out with him.
Dr. L : It seems to me that you have made some wise decisions in not taking a weekend away with her, in not going to her house to meet her husband. Good for you.
Dr. L : I recommend you get on with your life and meet some women who are not married. You deserve a relationship that is free of a husband!
Dr. L : What do you think of my response?
Customer: Thank you very much, you response is useful as this is what I thought, it has been somewhat hard though, since sometimes I think, and I know it sounds absurd, that it will be hard to communicate like that with someone else, but I'm definitely motivated to try my best, XXXXX XXXXX are right, it is totally her responsibility to deal with the problem and not mine as I have thought or she has at some point led me to believe. Thank you very much!
Dr. L : Hello,
Dr. L : I am glad that you found my answer helpful to you.
Dr. L : Please know that I am available to help you in the future as well. Just ask for me by name and I will be notified of your inquiry.
Dr. L : Take care!
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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