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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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feeling even worse...My original post was.. I hope someone

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feeling even worse...My original post was.. I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been in a relationship with a man(38) that I love very much for several months. I have no kids from previous 12 yr marriage, he has 2 from 2 previous marriages. There have really been no issues with us. We were very happy. We talked constantly about our future together. He had been asking me to move in for a while and I really wanted to but needed to be sure about some things first... His 2nd ex wife (divorced for 18 mths) the mother of his 3 yr old daughter recently decided to move back from Staten Island to a house she bought 4 blocks from my boyfriend. Just a little background on her..She cheated on her husband of 8 months(my boyfriend) and left with her previous boyfriend on 2 different occassions to live with him in Staten Island. They recently broke up (for now anyway..she has a strong history of juggling that ex boyfriend) Now she told my boyfriend she wants to get back together with him and be the family they were meant to be and that things will be totally different now. He was honest with me about all that and said he is super confused about what to do. He loves me a great deal but she has some kind of power over him. He turns into a doormat for some reason with her. So at this point we are pretty much broken up and she is working her magic hanging his daughter over him I assume. Everyone tells him how stupid he is and she will do it again but he is falling for her act. She went straight from her boyfriend to mine within a few days.. A few days ago I told him to leave my stuff on his back porch and I would pick it up after my night job..he said ok but then proceeded to leave me a long text that I saw when I left work..It read..."I put your stuff in back...I hate this.. I love you nothing less but we can't talk or see each other? It's crazy to me..How do I feel about you and you me like we do and not talk or see each other? But I guess its best for you. I just know if you wanted me this wouldn't be happening..you wouldn't stand for it and you would just take me. That's what I was hoping for on Sunday. But I guess I'll stick with my bad decision and have to regret losing you..I'm sorry I hurt you. Really. I hope we can still be friends..I was hoping for more. Maybe you'll change your mind..tell me this isn't happening and take me and tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe someday. Just not yesterday. Your stuff is out back..miss you." (end Text) I didn't go get my stuff that night because I wasn't feeling well but I saw that text and so I thought omg he is choosing me!..and even though I feel like I should not be the one who has to fight for this since I did nothing wrong, I still did. I couldn't call him the next day since he was working but I needed to respond to his text so I did and I put it all out there..telling him he was mine and we have a very happy future that I refuse to let him destroy etc... The response I got to my text was seemingly cold and blah..so I asked if he was retracting his text from the night before? He said.."I don't know..I am so confused and tired.." Seriously? That made me feel very foolish..since then he has been strange and coldish in his texts..I went to pick up my stuff while he was gone this morning and he did not leave it all out. I could have used the hidden spare key I use but no longer want to enter his house while he is not there. I now have to go back tomorrow on his day off to pick up my stuff and I guess say good bye in person officially. I don't want it to be over and I am not sure what else to do about it..What can I do to make him realize he shouldn't give up what we have to go back with someone who has torn up his family in the past? My heart is breaking badly and I feel like I have no say in what happens...please help me. Thank you..


...just needed to add some info..I know both of his daughters 15 and 3..they both love me and always ask about me when I am not around..and we had intentions of having a baby of our own and getting married. It is still possible that I am pregnant right now but I won't know for another week.

To follow up....he chose to go try again with her. I am crushed. It makes no sense to me that he would give up on us for a cheating ex who will surely do it again. When he said good bye to me he could barely look me in the eye and gave me a half hearted hug. This is so not like him. It's been 4 days and I have not heard one word from him. How was he able to just turn his feelings instantly off while I sit here and suffer???

..It is now a week later and I still cannot wrap my head around this. I am 3 days late for my period..took test and it's negative. I assume the stress of all this is keeping it from coming. I still cannot eat. I am dumbfounded by the fact that he has not tried to contact me at all. I feel like I need to do something..say something? I just feel lost and unsettled still. What can I do? Trying to keep busy is not working.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : What you need is closure.
Deardebra : You need answer in order for you to understand all this and he should explain things too you.
Deardebra : I do not feel he has turned his feelings off.
Customer: If I can't get him to respond to me, how can I have him explain anything? I think as far as he is concerned he is done with me.
Deardebra : I feel that he is trying to cope with losing you and her coming back into his life.
Customer: I think since she is now pretty much a daily part of his life I am out of sight out of mind until she makes a mistake.
Deardebra : I feel that you should tell him how you feel even if he has not respond, but I want to ask you a question.
Deardebra : Now that he has made the decision to try things with her again, are you willing to take him back because I feel he is going to realize he made a mistake.
Customer: I want him back but only if he truly wants me. Am I supposed to just keep waiting for him to realize she is not good for him? What if that never happens and I am sitting here in a constant state of depression?
Customer: I don't want to be a vindictive person but I am at the stage where my mind is telling e to set her up with a decoy to prove to him she will cheat again...sooner than later. I hate that I am thinking these things but I cannot accept that this is really over.
Deardebra : This is why you need to tell him how you feel and some times doing nothing is what is best because she might mess up on her own and you would never want to be caught in the middle. Plus if he found out you set her up to cheat on him he would be angry at you which could end things.
Deardebra : You want to approach this correctly.
Customer: I am afraid she may end up pregnant again if I wait too long to do anything. She has had 6 abortions and 2 kids from 2 dads..obviously she doesn't have a problem conceiving. The thought of that freaks me out.
Deardebra : I want you to tell him how you feel and that you miss him and tell him you hope that there is still a relationship with you and him.
Customer: And if he doesn't bother to answer? or just thinks I am crazy for saying that when I know he said he has to try to work things out with her? Having him reject me yet again will kill me.
Deardebra : The one thing I am worried about is if he knows how you feel.
Deardebra : Some times people think they can not come back because the person would never forgive them.
Deardebra : I want him to know that you are still there and that you would take him back.
Deardebra : Tell him to please answer you if there is nothing left to the relationship so that you can move on.
Deardebra : You need closure and to move on if he is going to try to work things out.
Deardebra : He needs to tell you straight out how he feels and that this relationship is over because if he doesn't then you will keep wondering. He should tell you because he does care about you.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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