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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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So i have a serious issue. I love my girlfriend soo much, but

Customer Question

So i have a serious issue. I love my girlfriend soo much, but i am not sexually attracted to her. It is so weird.
it is worth noting that i get turned on by many girls who hit on me. To be honest, i even had sex with a couple of them just to check that "everything" was ok physically. i had no issues what so ever.
She is a very beautiful girl. When i say beautiful, i mean BEAUTIFUL..
She tried so many times to initiate sex for the last couple of months, but i was always reluctant.
So what is wrong with me?? please help.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. What is going on here is that you are attracted to to thrill of the chase and that you want what you can't (or shouldn't have). You have her, you are with her, the excitement, therefore attraction looks for another. What you need to do is examine your relationship and future with her and determine if you really do love her. You indicated that you cheated on her, so I would question your dedication. Regardless if you cheated to "test" things to make sure they worked, that is not as relevant as you emotionally were able to do it and seem to have little remorse for it, justifying it by your reasoning. I see a red flag here as to your love for her and what it really means. You need to decide if this is the girl you want to be with and that you are willing to work on this issue in order to be with her, only her and perhaps marry some day if this is how you feel about her. I do think that you have some underlying problems in the relationship however, other than the obvious one you address here, because there is a cause for it. Someone who is in love, is also attracted to their girlfriend physically because of that love at least on some level. If you have the issue of being satisfied with the catch and wanting to move on to another chase, then maybe your feelings are not as deep as you think they are.
The first thing you need to do is make a choice. Either dedicate yourself to her and fixing your issue, or try a separation from her in order to think a little more clearly about your real feelings and what you want. If you dedicate yourself to her, I highly suggest being able to see a local counselor face to face who can get to know you in more depth than we are able to address in this forum. You will be able to get a more accurate and personalized plan of action as to how to see your girlfriend differently than an accomplishment of sorts. You can certainly have pleasurable sex with her if you make some adjustments mentally with her, try some different things, etc. If you know you can please her, it can help you feel good to know that you can do this as well, leading to more of a satisfaction on your part. You have obviously had sex with her in the past, so maybe it was a bad experience that needs to be improved on. If you do love her, you need to put forth every effort to resolve this. Analyze your feelings towards her and decide if you really do love her or you just enjoy her friendship. If you come to the conclusion that this is a good friendship and nothing more, then you need to consider moving on.
When she initiates sex, you should go for it anyways and try to let go of the mental block about it to see where it takes you.
Be honest with yourself and your future. Take some time for yourself to do this if you need to. Are you certain about your intentions? How deep and real is this relationship? Be aware of her feelings about this as well. Women know when something is wrong or going on.