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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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After weeks of hard work trying to mend the relationship I

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She told me she doesnt need me to reassure her, asking me questions about what would I do If she told me everything I am giving and have done with her is not enough for her, since I shouldve done that from the beginning even after revealing the lie she feels now its just a mmatter of convenience for me and that I am still on probation in our relationship. Is shetrying to push me away no kiss after dropping of her kids. I can see all her faults I am ok with them. my Gut feeling once again telling me shes wanting to pursue or give other men a chance I dont know. Her cable was turned off no internet connecting does she feel less because I can see her faults and all. We just spent 2 weeks of nights and weekends spending the day with each others children. Her children asking me to take them to the park because she was busy. Cooked her dinner and bought her a few groceries after she said it was ok does she need reassurance again that she is the love of my life..My mind is going nuts and I think I doit to myself..Her sons Birthday is XXXXX up in a couple days, shes graduating, weve made plans already.She told me If I had an issue filling the fatherly role to her two kids I said no I dont have an issue now she needs space? does it mean no contact or just simply specifically what she stated that she doesnt want me to come over to her house / sleep over for a while after 2 weeks of everything being perfect? We had everything smooth again after weeks of hard work of me trying to mend the relationship I was sucessful started staying over every night, dinner plans, and family interacting. Last Night after a great conversation she brought up the same old feelings about me lying to her about the mother of my child living with me, She stated that she wants to be the number one priority and if I really did love her why did I not do the same thing of staying over everynight. I told her that it was because I did not want to come off as pushy or overbearing eventhough now I know thats what she wanted. Shes wanted space before in the relationship usually last about a few hours but I am always the one initiating the contact via text or just through bumping into each other. Iam so drained with her so up and down I tell her shes worth the fight if I had to do everything all over again I would, but really dont feel like I have the motivation to do it feel strung along being tested to prove my love or I dont know I love a challenge but literally always feels like I'm being slapped in the face Shes always talking about marriage, cousins getting married, plans of marriage, dream Weeding, her morning wake up alarm is weeding bells. She told me all of a sudden out of nowhere that she doesnt want me to come over anymore for a while and she needed space. I have a great relationship with her children they invite me to their soccer practice and games so now I'm confused do I go, do I text her, Do I call her..etc she makes things so difficult everything was perfect up untill last night. She told me no multiple times telling me stop asking the same questions when I stop she says why and ask me what I was thinking about in that moment to make me forget about her and not care in that moment. I dont know what to do I love her she loves me. I dont want to push but yet feel like texting her random hey great day and what not like I always end up doing anyways. Give it a day no contact, couple days...her kids love me what do I do with that also. We literally act like we are married planning trips graduation plans errands..etc it feels so effortless organic fit together we are happy always smiling.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

This is what I want you to do. I want you to tell her that her children invited you to soccer practice and you do not want to disappoint them in anyway so tell her you are going to go.

Deardebra :

Tell her that you wanted to tell her that you will be there so she knows when she goes to pick them up that you will be there.

Customer: ok, why do I feel like I am the only one that is fighting to keep this relationship going even after everything that Ive already done. I'm not being pushy its all in moderation I am not giving up! but I feel so drained every time I get a monkey wranch in my relationship.
Deardebra :

I really feel like she is looking for a lot in this relationship. She wants to see you do more and I feel that her children like you a lot that this will help her make a positive decision.

Deardebra :

I feel that she is testing you all the time

Deardebra :

Seeing what you are going to do to keep this relationship going.

Customer: one second amazing the next second out of nowhere it seems having to work at it again from day one it seems.
Deardebra :

I feel she is waiting for you to just give up so she is trying to see if she can trust that you are going to be there for her through everything, the ups and the downs in life.

Customer: I already told her I dont mind starting from day one but goodness. Her children do like me so I will tell her. "I was thinking long and hard about this and I dont want to dissapoint your son so I and my daghter will be at the soccer game"
Customer: should I ask if thats ok or simply just let her know I will be there?
Deardebra :

No, tell her you are going because you do not want to disappoint them.

Customer: Should I tell her face to face or text I mean somtimes I go with her to pick up her son at day care I mean why am I being so catious about this
Customer: We know each others daily schedule
Customer: ?
Customer: I just want to make sure I do this correctly with out seeming to push to hard.
Customer: ?
Deardebra :

She is looking

Deardebra :

for you to take charge.

Customer: ok I will
Deardebra :

Everything she says is about you doing more and being there, she wants to be a family.

Deardebra :

She keeps pushing you to do more and then she seems to back away.

Deardebra :

You need to show her that you are going to be there for her no matter what.

Customer: It worked! I caught up to her little shaky at first. Got myself together and told her I wanted to tell that your son invited me and my daughter to the soccer practice. I respect and understand you wanting space. At the same time I dont want to disspoint your boys, Our relationship can be worked on one day at a time because I want to have a family not just a relationship. I got a hug and even a couple kisses! Her face just shows nervousness and unsure but I did get a smile.
Customer: *you
Deardebra :

This is great

Deardebra :

Now you know exactly what she wants, she wants you to be there and be a family together.

Customer: I took charge! I'm Playing it by gut feeling everything seems ok kinda just really looking forward to the practice and especially to afterwards she knows the mother of my child will be off work in the evening everytime I tell her that she seems to want me to come over. Should I push for this or just let her take that lead?
Customer: The mother of my child lives with me getting herself on her feet. My girlfriend had a similar experience with her past fanther of her children.
Customer: I just made the mistake of lying about it. I'm giving it my all to re-build the trust and continue moving forward. She still is questioning my trust but like I stated it seems everytime it comes to a question about the mother of my child she gets her feelings again which I completely understand. she thinks that she is not number one due to the mother of my child having a schedule that I have to follow in order to see my daughter and my girlfriend.
Deardebra :

She wants to feel like she is number one in your life.

Deardebra :

She knows you are a nice person because even though she does not agree and you did lie about it, you are helping your ex.

Deardebra :

That shows your personality that you are kind and thoughtful.

Deardebra :

But she wants to be first in your life. She doesn't want your ex to be your first choice, she wants to be noticed.

Deardebra :

She wants you to do things for her and be a part of her family as well.

Customer: What can I do to show her she is number one the biggest item to show I mean I feel I'm on the right track putting her children and their feelings first. I feel like thats the best way for now or is their something else that I can do to show her. She hints at marriage all the time I dont feel right talking to her about it..not sure how to approach it if at all right now with the whole space dont come over for a while comments earlier in the morning.
Customer: Moving in with her full time I mean..? one day at a time yes but really need to show her ultimately she is and always will be number one.
Deardebra :

Just you telling you you were going to the kids practice was exactly how you can show her you are there and she and her children are number one in your life

Deardebra :

Why don't you talk about the future together.

Deardebra :

That will help her see you want to be with her and do want to live together and maybe get married.

Deardebra :

If she hints about marriage then she must want to marry you and is looking to be asked.

Customer: To be asked she mentioned why wait for eventually do it now songs. I dont like making excuses but I really cant afford a ring or weeding right now.
Customer: Thats my only hold up honestly financially speaking.
Customer: I mean if I cant afford a ring or anything fancy what can I do. She is not into materialism says she sees me on a gold hill or not for who I am through and through. Marriage is just a title buit we talk about being together infinite love our souls became one. So what can I do to articulate hey I want to marry you?
Customer: I'm palnning a trip to new york in a couple weeks I can take her with me and do the whole thing just the two of us or in front of her children maybe would be best? I mean I dont know, but what I am certain of is that she is the woman that I have been waiting for my entire life.
Customer: and she has expressed the same to me
Deardebra :

I would plan that trip to new york that would be perfect and very romantic for you both to reconnect.

Customer: I feel sick trying to ignore her its been 4 hours since I text her anything positive like I usually do I feel stuck because of her space statement not wanting to be pushy or bodersome. I'm not asking for anyhting just reassuring statements some people say that I should just not contact her at all for one day. Acting as all is well with my day as if nothing happened earlier dont want to come off as I didnt care. Wondering how whe would take that as a statement that I dont care about how she feels right now because I know she crying inside for her man to take charge even though she may not articulate because she doesnt want to be seen as needy.
Customer: I am making a big deal with texting the only thing she asked for was space in reagards to not staying with her anymore at night for a while, but with a right now this is the way I feel statement attached. I mean should I text her like I would any other day about how great my day is?
Deardebra : I would be honest with your feelings and text her. You want to do with what comes natural.
Deardebra : If you want to text her something positive do that do not not text her.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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