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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been

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I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been in a relationship with a man(38) that I love very much for several months. I have no kids from previous 12 yr marriage, he has 2 from 2 previous marriages. There have really been no issues with us. We were very happy. We talked constantly about our future together. He had been asking me to move in for a while and I really wanted to but needed to be sure about some things first... His 2nd ex wife (divorced for 18 mths) the mother of his 3 yr old daughter recently decided to move back from Staten Island to a house she bought 4 blocks from my boyfriend. Just a little background on her..She cheated on her husband of 8 months(my boyfriend) and left with her previous boyfriend on 2 different occassions to live with him in Staten Island. They recently broke up (for now anyway..she has a strong history of juggling that ex boyfriend) Now she told my boyfriend she wants to get back together with him and be the family they were meant to be and that things will be totally different now. He was honest with me about all that and said he is super confused about what to do. He loves me a great deal but she has some kind of power over him. He turns into a doormat for some reason with her. So at this point we are pretty much broken up and she is working her magic hanging his daughter over him I assume. Everyone tells him how stupid he is and she will do it again but he is falling for her act. She went straight from her boyfriend to mine within a few days.. A few days ago I told him to leave my stuff on his back porch and I would pick it up after my night job..he said ok but then proceeded to leave me a long text that I saw when I left work..It read..."I put your stuff in back...I hate this.. I love you nothing less but we can't talk or see each other? It's crazy to me..How do I feel about you and you me like we do and not talk or see each other? But I guess its best for you. I just know if you wanted me this wouldn't be happening..you wouldn't stand for it and you would just take me. That's what I was hoping for on Sunday. But I guess I'll stick with my bad decision and have to regret losing you..I'm sorry I hurt you. Really. I hope we can still be friends..I was hoping for more. Maybe you'll change your mind..tell me this isn't happening and take me and tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe someday. Just not yesterday. Your stuff is out back..miss you." (end Text) I didn't go get my stuff that night because I wasn't feeling well but I saw that text and so I thought omg he is choosing me!..and even though I feel like I should not be the one who has to fight for this since I did nothing wrong, I still did. I couldn't call him the next day since he was working but I needed to respond to his text so I did and I put it all out there..telling him he was mine and we have a very happy future that I refuse to let him destroy etc... The response I got to my text was seemingly cold and blah..so I asked if he was retracting his text from the night before? He said.."I don't know..I am so confused and tired.." Seriously? That made me feel very foolish..since then he has been strange and coldish in his texts..I went to pick up my stuff while he was gone this morning and he did not leave it all out. I could have used the hidden spare key I use but no longer want to enter his house while he is not there. I now have to go back tomorrow on his day off to pick up my stuff and I guess say good bye in person officially. I don't want it to be over and I am not sure what else to do about it..What can I do to make him realize he shouldn't give up what we have to go back with someone who has torn up his family in the past? My heart is breaking badly and I feel like I have no say in what happens...please help me. Thank you..


...just needed to add some info..I know both of his daughters 15 and 3..they both love me and always ask about me when I am not around..and we had intentions of having a baby of our own and getting married. It is still possible that I am pregnant right now but I won't know for another week.

To follow up....he chose to go try again with her. I am crushed. It makes no sense to me that he would give up on us for a cheating ex who will surely do it again. When he said good bye to me he could barely look me in the eye and gave me a half hearted hug. This is so not like him. It's been 4 days and I have not heard one word from him. How was he able to just turn his feelings instantly off while I sit here and suffer???
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

He sounds so confused about how he feels.

Deardebra :

The problem is he feels like he needs to be there for his child and give this relationship a chance but you can not be in a relationship when he wants to be with you.

Deardebra :

He can still be a dad and not be with the mother.

Deardebra :

He needs to be happy and I feel his feelings are very strong for you. What I want you to do is to keep contact with him.

Deardebra :

He misses you, that is very clear.

Deardebra :

I feel that if you keep in contact with each other then he will see his feelings for you are strong.

Deardebra :

You have a good relationship with his children and that is very important.

Deardebra :

I feel he will realize that he needs to be with you.

Deardebra :

His message sounded like he wants to be with you and that he knows he belongs with you, so he just needs to make that decision.

Deardebra :

Some times when someone comes back in your life and you have a child you feel like obligated to give things a second chance, but if they do get back together, then he will realize that he no longer loves her because he is in love with you.

Deardebra :

He will then know he made a mistake and try to get you back.

Deardebra :

This is why I feel you should keep contact with him, basic contact like maybe text to ask him how he is doing. He is not afraid of his emotions and he is very honest on how he feels.

Deardebra :

This is good because you do not have to guess.

Deardebra :

You know how he feels, but he is confused. I feel he has been honest with you since this all started, but I do not feel he has feelings for her, he knows he loves you and is in love with you. He is going to come to realize that his relationship with her is not going to work out because he is in love with you.

Customer: I had sent him a text saying good luck to you. If you ever need to talk I'm here....no response at all for days. He is totally ignoring me and blocking me out from his mind. I can't understand how he can forget about me so quickly. Is it because he is occupied with her and their daughter?
Deardebra : That was a perfect message too him. You are saying you will be there for him.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
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I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.