How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1139
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
13551071
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

He cheated, but im not angry?

Resolved Question:

Sorry this is so long and detailed...


I'm a college student, and last semester I became really close friends with my next-door neighbor. We have a similar sense of humor and we could talk for hours and hours. I developed a huge crush on him, but I knew he had recently gotten out of a bad relationship in which his ex cheated on him and broke his heart. After a couple months of us being good friends he admitted to me that he had feelings for me, and I admitted the same to him. But he also said that he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship because even though he hated her, he wasn't completely over his ex. I completely understood, and we decided to just keep hanging out as friends. We soon came to consider each other best friends, but we couldn't help the attraction we both knew we felt to each other. We never defined our relationship and I was always confused about whether or not I could call him my boyfriend, but it didn’t really bother me that much. We would cuddle and kiss, and we spent a lot of time together, but I would constantly remind myself of the fact that he wasn't completely over her and that what he and I had wasn't a serious relationship. All I knew was that we were happy together. This ambiguous relationship went on for about 3 ½ months. Then one night, he experienced a trigger that reminded him of her. And he went home and read a letter she gave him when they were together and lost control. He was so angry and sad at the same time, and he was a mess. I stayed up with him all night comforting him. The next night I was in my room and my friends told me that his ex was next door with him. Since I knew about the letter, I decided to leave him alone that night. The next morning I could tell something was really troubling him. All he said was that he knew he wasn’t being fair to me. I sort of knew what he was hinting at but I didn’t push him to say anything. That night we went on a date, and we had a really great time. After we got back he finally told me what was on his mind. He told me that when she came over to talk to him and try to seduce him (according to him), he felt exactly the way he felt when they were together and he felt like he still loved her. They kissed, but when she kept trying to go further, he realized his mistake and asked her to leave. And two days later he would tell her that he never wanted to see her again. He told me all this, and said he knew he wasn't being fair to me, so we agreed to break up. I was really an emotional wreck for the first two days, but at no point did I feel any anger towards him. I just felt really empty. To complicate things a little more, there was also the fact that I kind of wanted to break up with him too (even before he cheated), because I felt like I didn’t really have my life under control, due to other issues. For some reason, I didn't feel that hurt or shocked to hear what had happened. I wasn't necessarily devastated at the thought of losing my "boyfriend" but I was so completely devastated at the thought of losing one of my best friends. When our friends found out what happened, they were all so angry with him. And he was angry with himself and just so completely lost. He was literally at his lowest point. And it killed me to see my best friend in that state. So despite the fact that he had cheated on me, I just felt so much compassion and a desire to be there for him, so I was. We discussed how we both agreed that we valued the friendship more than our so-called "relationship" or "fling." He was so in awe of the fact that I was able to forgive him almost immediately and he was really confused. He kept telling me that he didn't deserve such kindness from me. But I knew that my forgiveness and kindness was 100% genuine. I just care about him way too much. And I know deep down that he really cares about me too.


So now we are on summer break, and we won't see each other for about 3 months. The way we left things, we are still really good friends. I know I can handle being his friend, but there's still the fact that I'm crazy about him. I just love everything about who he is—flaws and all. And I know he still has feelings for me (which I know might change). I know that we both need a little time before we get into a relationship, whether or not it's with each other. We both have a lot of issues we need to deal with first. But when I am ready for a serious relationship, I just know that I want it to be with him (if and when he's ready too). So I guess my question is, is there any hope for us in the future? Is it crazy of me to want to one day get back together with someone who cheated on me? And is it crazy that I’m not angry that he did?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry what happened and I do understand where you are coming from. I do not think that you are at all crazy for forgiving him or wanting to be with him one day. Based on what you explained it sounds like you both had a very good friendship, but never defined what you were in terms of boyfriend and girlfriend. He had said he wasn't ready for a relationship, so technically you both were not in a relationship even though it did feel like it. This does not make it hurt less or be less confusing. It actually makes it more confusing and what happened may even make it feel a little "messy". However, I think you handled it very well. You managed to understand and put your feelings to the side in order to be a friend to a friend in need since you valued the friendship so much. This is not crazy at all. I would not say he cheated on you. I think he was as honest and open as he could be. He told you he was not ready for a relationship and you both enjoyed the friendship even though you both had feelings for one another, which was hard to control. When his ex came into the picture that happened because he was not completely over her and this is something he was honest about in the beginning, so could have happened anytime. I think he made a mistake even for his own healing by being with her, but he immediately realized and felt bad because he does care and have feelings for you and he knows his ex is bad for him. This is why he feels so bad and was honest with you, which are all good things.

I think you were able to handle this situation in a mature fashion with a lot of understanding. You sound like a special person and have much insight. You are even wise enough to know that you are not ready for a relationship right now and understand that he is not at well.

I believe once you both handle the issues in each of your lives there will be lots of potential for a future relationship. The best and lasting relationships are based on a friendship first. I do not think because of this act he is more likely to cheat on you. He seems honest and genuine. I would also not consider that cheating, but everyone may have different opinions on that. Either way based on your individual situation it seems like he will be honest in a relationship with you once you are both ready and he does seem to value you. I think you handled everything perfectly and with right timing.

I wish you both handle the things in your lives that are keeping you both apart in order to be able to have the relationship you both dream of. Please let me know if I can help any further.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1139
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Counselor
1139 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.