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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Debra, I wanted to update you that things are going well,

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Hi Debra,
I wanted to update you that things are going well, but I'm running into a few hurdles. The main issue I am having is with my friends. One particular friend (my best friend that was there for me throughout my pregnancy) is having issues with me changing my sons name. I already told the father that we would go thru with it. Last night she called me and had a bit of a meltdown...was saying things like "this is YOUR son, he was in YOUR womb, and you don't have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. I am going to have a hard time calling him by this new name, and I'm just not sure what this guys intentions are"

It definitely thru me for a loop because I was planning on just following thru with it, but hearing her worry made me worry. What if she's right? What if I'm not doing the right thing? Are his intentions really true? Am I giving in too much to what he wants?
So I start freaking out a bit while talking to her (women can be SO bad with the chatter sometimes), and I ended up calling him and telling him I didn't know if I wanted to go thru with the name change. He, in turn, got upset. Not necessarily because I was having issue with it, but because I keep flip flopping on him back and forth. And it's true, I have been doing that. I feel really terrible actually.
The reality is that I don't have much living family anymore, my mother passed away when I was a young child, grandparents that raised me are now both deceased, etc. So what happens is that I end up turning to friends for advice, and never really listening to my gut like I should. It's been a problem I have had for alot of others more say in my life and not putting my foot down more.
Well now there's this AMAZING child, more beautiful and sweet than I could have ever asked for, and everyone loves him. That's a great thing. The downfall is that EVERYONE has something to say about what I should be doing and how I should be raising my son. Now, all of a sudden this new man is in the picture, he is completely ecstatic, and a couple of my good friends are questioning his intentions. I know I need to just be more firm and put down my foot, but it's very hard for me. I'm trying to work thru that.
But here's the other part. My sons father is looking for work, and if it were up to him, he would be providing everything for us. (I think that just the natural instinct that me have, PLUS in his culture the man provides for the family). So at this point our feelings for each other are on standby until he can get a job, feel more stable and start helping us more (which he really wants to do).
I made a booboo and slept with him last week. It's only the 2nd time we have been together. Of course my emotions got the best of me, and now I find myself falling more for him than ever. But, last night he came over, we played together with the baby, talked a bit, cuddled a bit. Then he left. No kissing, no intimacy or anything. So it left me with an undesirable feeling in my stomach of rejection. I called him and said "what happened"? His response was that, right now he's not capable of anything with me until he finds job and becomes stable again. So I can't take it personally that he didn't kiss me, etc
It's hard not to make this about me lol....but that feminine side of me wants to feel loved and appreciated and not rejected again. So I think that something could still happen between us, but we both need to take a step back and not worry about what could happen between us in a relationship right now.
Wow, why do we have to be such girls when it comes to men, emotions, intimacy, etc??? This sucks!! I am a very emotional person, this pregnancy was not easy, but I got thru it while he was out of the country. Honestly I want what all women want. Just to be held, hugged and kissed, loved and valued.
Anyway, this was a very long update, butvintjink it's best if I talk this out with you and not get my friends involved anymore. They are coming from a bias standpoint and are always going to give me advice that will benefit me, and not necessarily the situation
So am I right in thinking that relationships are about COMPROMISE.
I mean, we did the DNA, and he is the father, so there's no going back now. I have to step up and compromise with this man. And I'm willing to so that, I just need my friends to support me more with whatever decision I make for this baby.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you!!
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I want to start off from the first couple on sentences. Your friend is having a problem with you changing your son name. That is your son and you need to do what is best for you and your son. It is not anyone else's choice but yours. You are his mother. Friends have a tendency of giving their opinion but it is your life choice in the end. You have to choose how you feel not how someone else feels. You already made the decision. This person is going to be your future husband and you are starting a family together. It is important too him to be there and take care of you and your son. I feel his intentions are true and you should start by building your life together. You had said you do not have much family and right now you are creating a family. Your son and your son's father is going to be your family. You will be building a life and creating a future. I feel you are doing the right things.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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