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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1483
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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I have been in a long-term lesbian relationship. I left this

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I have been in a long-term lesbian relationship. I left this relationship because I realized that I was in it because of abuse of suffered and not because I am sexually attracted to women. I have no intention of ever being in a relationship with a woman again, regardless if I am alone or not. I want to seriously begin dating men. I am afraid, that the men will reject me because of my past experience. I feel intense sadness and shame over my past choices. Is there any hope for me to find a man?
Hi there, maybe I can help. You talk about past experiences that men will reject? How do you know this to be true? Have you dated guys before? How long do you want to be shameful before forgiving yourself? What is positive about yourself that would be appealing to a potential relationship partner?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr. G,


 


You are right, I don't know that men will reject me, although I have been rejected by men in the past. I feel shameful about what I have done because I realize that I lied to myself and did not ever need to be in a lesbian relationship. Everything I got from my partner I could have gotten from a man all along. I feel like a heterosexual and that I have betrayed myself in the deepest, most intimate way. I am deeply attracted to men, but have been afraid to relive my molest. I try to forgive myself, but am having a hard time. I am a very caring person.

So there has been molestation. This is the real issue that needs to be resolved. You can forgive yourself at any time. However, the effect the molestation has on you needs to be addressed. This might be the perfect time to go see a therapist and work on it. If you don't address it, then it will carry into any future relationships and sabotage any chance you would have at a good relationship. What do you think about that?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes I was molested and and my molesters (brother and father) told me that no man would want me, that I was garbage, that I was ugly. I have resolved most of my issues around it. But knowing that my lesbian relationship was a form of molestation to me (because I did not want to be intimate) is what is bothering me. I may never have found a man, but to be with another woman in an intimate way when I lied to myself is what is making me sad.I thought being with a woman would be safer than a man, but I ended up giving away a part of myself that I can never get back. I have a counselor and I am working through things, but I am finding it difficult.

Counseling can be very difficult when exploring these intimate details. I think you are doing the right thing and gaining a lot of insight. To me that is great progress. I think the big thing for you note is to stay the course and be patient. Things will turn around for you. I can already tell by the way you are thinking about things and wanting something different.
Dr.G. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I feel very violated by having been with a woman. To know now that there are great men out there, not only for intimacy, but for a strong, healthy relationship just kills me. I think about all the time I completely wasted trying to be safe from my past when in fact I could have had a healthy, successful, happy relationship with a man. My lesbian relationship is over for good and I have no intention of ever returning to any woman, but how do I put the pieces of my life back together? I don't even feel gay, really. To know that I wasted so much of my life and violated myself is extremely hard to deal with. I know we all make mistakes in life, but I feel shattered and like I missed my chance to be who I really am.
Being judgmental is not going to make you feel any better. Would you be thus tough on a friend of yours? Probably not. The past makes you who you are today. Some may say you had to go through the lesbian experimentation to realize it is not who you truly are. I will also say being a lesbian or not in the past; you were not ready for a relationship with a good man. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is now the healing begins, which means your future is going up from here.
Dr.G. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am so ashamed of myself, I really don't feel like a real woman. And to know that I had the power all along to choose a different path! At what point in a relationship should I bring up my past?
When you can talk about it without being ashamed.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you.

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