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Hi Dr. G,
You are right, I don't know that men will reject me, although I have been rejected by men in the past. I feel shameful about what I have done because I realize that I lied to myself and did not ever need to be in a lesbian relationship. Everything I got from my partner I could have gotten from a man all along. I feel like a heterosexual and that I have betrayed myself in the deepest, most intimate way. I am deeply attracted to men, but have been afraid to relive my molest. I try to forgive myself, but am having a hard time. I am a very caring person.
Yes I was molested and and my molesters (brother and father) told me that no man would want me, that I was garbage, that I was ugly. I have resolved most of my issues around it. But knowing that my lesbian relationship was a form of molestation to me (because I did not want to be intimate) is what is bothering me. I may never have found a man, but to be with another woman in an intimate way when I lied to myself is what is making me sad.I thought being with a woman would be safer than a man, but I ended up giving away a part of myself that I can never get back. I have a counselor and I am working through things, but I am finding it difficult.