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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 881
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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For phycis expertI feel

Customer Question

For phycis expertI feel as though I'm still waiting on this guy that broke up with me over a year ago...I can't seem to let him go....no matter how bad he treat me....what should I do... My head tell be to move on but my heart won't let me...what going on?..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart. What you're experiencing is unfortunately quite normal: When a partner (man or woman) treats you badly you hurt a lot. But then when he treats you nice for a change your relief from feeling unhappy, scared, ashamed or mad is IMMENSE! so you have a big, confusing rush of good feeling toward the man--and that's your heart getting to feel so strongly for the man that it doesn't matter what your head and other people are saying to you, because your heart is a magnet that won't let go of him no matter what he does again and again.

Dr. Norman Brown :

There really isn't anthing wrong with the fact that your head says stay away and your heart says "I love him SO much, even though it doesn't make sense!" It just means your head and your heart WON'T agree, so your head has to fight with your heart. Since it's the sudden relief of all the negative feelings your BF's bad actions have caused that gave you the huge positive feelings THat didn't make any sense but were certainly REAL enough as any other feelings. So your head needs to plan things so that you don't get a chance to get those great loving feelings towards your BF--so then you won't start ignoring all the bad things he's done and the bad feelings you've had about him.

Dr. Norman Brown :

As soon as you've had one or two experiences in which your BF suddenly treats you well and says nice things to you, then you'll WANT those experiences to come back again. And you'll "know" that somehow, sooner or later, you will feel that good again, like you did before, because your BF will be nice again. So you start trying to figure out how to make him act nice again sooner instead of later. And occasionally, probably on his own schedule--when he's bored with whatever other women he's fooling around with, he'll want you again. So you'll start to believe that something you've done ("done right" that is) has "worked" this time, and you're winning him back. You'll believe YOU'RE NOT HELPLESS to make him love you--because nobody wants to believe they're helpless to make the person they love be nice to them again. It's not your fault; and he knows you'll easily fall for him all over again if he says the right things. So when he wants to keep you coming back, he jerks on his fishing line and you're right there waiting ON THE HOOK.

Dr. Norman Brown :

It's NOT because you're dumb, but because you can't control your GOOD feelings when he treats you well. NOBODY wants to stop themselves from feeling good when they've wanted those feelings with their partner for so long.

Dr. Norman Brown :

So you have to realize that YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART. But that we humans are built to LOVE MORE FIERCELY when our conditions are awful--even if WE (or our Partner) has created the awful conditions himself. So your head needs to understand that your good heart is loving your way into more pain and disappointment and betrayal.

Dr. Norman Brown :

I'd like to give you a formula you can follow that will save you from letting your heart carry your body and head away. But the best I can think of right now is 2 strategies: 1. Stay away from the guy--in the same way that you would stay away from Cocaine or Crystal Meth even though you know how GREAT it FEELS to be high on either one of them. This overheated love rollercoaSTER you get rushing on when the guy who's treated you badly (or ignored you) for so long suddenly wants you and sweet talks you and wants to make love to you is exactly like an addiction to Cocaine or Crystal Meth: And you wouldn't think you shouldn't deny yourself either of those drugs because your "Heart" likes how great you feel, would you?

Dr. Norman Brown :

2. Get yourself several other ways and/or people to replace the good feelings you have with the BF when you think he's coming back: a very good friend or two who loves you as a friend and wants to make sure you don't get hurt by giving in to your craving for the paradise that your memory tells you you can have again if you go back to the guy who's hurt you; maybe also a NEW LOVE who is exciting to you who can also replace the old excitement with a new excitement; maybe also a new activity that you're passionate about that is entirely under your own control, so you don't need anybody (or any drug-addiction prevention NA sponsor) to keep you from running back (even in your own head and fantasies), because you have something else that you can do by yourself that keeps you excited--like art, music, a craft, travel, caring for animals, or even public service in caring for other people that need you and love the compassion you are showing them.

Customer : Love your advice but there any astrological or pyhcis on here to give me im details advice ...because I already your s tragic for a year now and my heart haven't change yet........
Dr. Norman Brown :

Your Heart won't change until you've had a few years of other emotional patterns in new relationships. Neither a psychic nor an astrologer can do for you what you need to do. I've even used astrology myself to show two, three, four couples and myself in one of my own relationships 35 years ago.that there were some compelling "star-crossed" aspects making it more difficult to stay broken up. But the ONLY strategy I've seen that seems to have made it easier for one partner to stay away from the other WAS TO HOOK UP WITH A NEW LOVER RIGHT AWAY and USE that intense new swirl of emotions and the new partner's own additional self-interest to KEEP THE OLD ESTABLISHED (Paradise Lost & Sure-enough Regained Again) FEELINGS from becoming strong and the old LOVER from having a chance to bring the old relationship back together.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Maybe a psychic can give you a strategy uniquely for your relationship. I'm not qualified to judge whether that's possible or not. I did once call a well-respected psychic in Casadaga, FL about freeing my psychotherapy client from a psychopathic powerfreak's lingering possession of his heart with her poison. And he told me that the man would have to work out the possession of his love-feelings with me, with no particular strategy to suggest. 2 years later, now he's in no danger of going back, even if she were to invite him to, but he hasn't "moved on" to start loving someone else yet. 2 years is not a terrible outcome when you've been kidnapped by a psychopath who's ignoring you. But when (HE) wants to keep toying with you, you'll have to build adequate walls to prevent any communication from getting thru from him or his entourage to you.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Psychics don't operate on this Relationship site. For $40 I know the Calif Psychics will talk on the phone. But if there's NO EASY way to protect your heart from feeling what it naturally feels, then you won't get a new magic strategy you can use. "Magic" does exist, and in my acquaintance it's mainly visualizing power to keep another's energy away from you (like "surrounding yourself with white light"). Perhaps you'll believe that one or another psychic action will work better than anything you've done before, and then you'll do that and if you believe it's working then you'll feel less helpless than you do now. AND GETTING ABLE TO BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN POWER DOES HELP. For love relationships don't work well unless both people are able to wield both Love and Power. So you could look for a women's training focused on "owning your own power."

Dr. Norman Brown :

35 yrs ago I had to get over any tendency to think obsessively about an ex of my own--even after she had solved HER side of the "unstoppable magnetism" between her and me by immediately living with another guy who she lured away from his wife. I used the imagery that my mind was a mansion with many rooms, and in each of those rooms lived some woman I used to love. Since I was so drawn to this one ex-lover, I determined that every time I had a thought about That ex-lover (with whom I'd had some very impressive psychic-telepathic communication over the 3.5 years) it was like calling her up on our psychic telephone line. Or walking by her place in my mind and glancing in to see how she was doing. SO I JUST IMAGINED I WAS CLOSING THE DOOR TO HER ROOM each time a thought came. That's exactly the same thing that meditation teachers teach beginning meditators: When you want your mind to focuse on just one thing to meditate, then you don't feel bad when an unwanted thought comes, YOU JUST LET IT PASS ON BY and focus your attention on what you want to be meditating on.

Dr. Norman Brown :

These are psychic methods. I made Closing the side-room door work well for me. Courage means "Heart-stuff" in French. You can have it, but you have to work at it.

Customer : Please open my question to tarot and psychics such as azure ocean, sudarshan, vibhuti9 , ivy rose or other tarot and pshyciic experts.....no disresepect I tried your way....

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