How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi kate ..I asked a recent question but really wanted your

Resolved Question:

Hi kate ..I asked a recent question but really wanted your opinion if ok....
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi! Sure that is fine. I'll be here a bit longer.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

is there a way to tell the difference between a limitation and deliberate manipulation? I haven't asked this question before so scratch what I said. However my husband hasn

t respond it to my request for time and attention throughout the years. I am no longer looking for it and find myself saying no when he does ask me because it feels like too little too late. also it's inconsistent with his behavior in general because he goes about his business acting like a single man ignoring my existence and then at the end of the day when he's tired last night if I want to do something. Of course not I'm not interested. Well the question really is ...I also hear him ask ..How are you? but it sounds so shallow. Is it his limitations meaning his personality disorderor is it manipulation...the same question applies to him asking me out suddenly after all these years......are both of these behaviors manipulation? it seems obvious but remember I've been this way too long to have a clear perspective. I'm almost embarrassed to say I don't have clear perspectiveI appreciate your availability Kate...

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry about these horrible typographical errors.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
No problem, Dee. I'm happy to help, anytime :)

It is confusing to know if he is being manipulative on purpose or if he really cannot help himself due to a personality disorder. But manipulation is part of a personality disorder. There are personality disorders that include manipulation as part of the symptoms such as Anti social personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder and Narcissism. So how he is acting is most likely just part of whatever personality disorder your husband does have, if he has one. Given how he treats you and the abuse you have suffered with him, it is very likely he does have one. So the best way to respond to his questions and inquiries is with whatever makes you feel protected and comfortable.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Excellent explanation. Right. The manipulation is a part of the personality disorder. The manipulation is more with me than with the kids and asking me out more often is a change in behavior. You are absolutely correct that I have to behave in ways to self protect above all other reasons. I am still in survival mode.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks much Kate once again.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You are very welcome, Dee!

Unfortunately, that is usually how you have to respond to someone who has a personality disorder. Self care and protecting yourself from being manipulated is the best way to preserve who you are, without being dragged in and controlled.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Dee! Take care.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Uuhhhh....ittakes much energy away from me, not to mention complex ptsd. I would imagine it's similar to living with an alcoholic or somebody with bipolar but I'm not sure.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks good evening to you.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Yes. It is common for those living with someone with a personality disorder to feel drained dry emotionally. That is because the person with a personality disorder is so needy. Personality disorders develop because a person's needs are not met as a child. So they learn to get what they need emotionally by manipulating others through behaviors, which does not stop when they become adults. And they present as normal to some, but to those who live with them it is a totally different story, just like you are experiencing. Their behavior can be baffling and very draining.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
it makes sense but I'm a little confused I must admit. Well he usually ignores my existence and only makes comments or statement that are superficial or related to himself.
so I guess on some level he is getting his needs met by ignoring me ?
it's not the easiest to understand, these personality disorders that actually seem to make me crazy
its difficult to see how he is needy because he ignores me
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It would depend on what personality disorder he has to explain why he ignores you. Ignoring someone and putting your own needs first plus being abusive is usually Narcissistic personality disorder. And ignoring you might be just his way of putting himself first. Abusing you is getting his needs met by hurting you to the level he feels hurt. It might help to read more about Narcissism to see what fits and what does not:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/do-you-love-a-narcissist/

See if these sites help you pinpoint what behaviors your husband has and what they might mean. It could be that he is not a narcissist, but from what you have told me, that diagnosis makes the most sense.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you much yes I will look into narcissism links youve sent.
The therapist that I have seen also mentioned that narcissism is a part of the personality disorder he suffers from which he referred to as cluster B.
I will check them out now thanks again have a good night
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! I'm glad you mentioned that your therapist feels the same about the diagnosis. It seems to fit the best given the behaviors that you have talked about your husband having. And if Narcissism does fit, it makes perfect sense why you feel as you do about him.

Take care, Dee. And let me know if you need any more resources.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Deriving pleasure from hurting someone else is just something very difficult for me to wrap my head around. I've lost so much love for him. okay that's it for my comments thanks again
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I understand and agree. It is hard to take in that someone could do that to another person. You are doing what you can to deal with a very difficult situation. Hang in there.

Take care,

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency