I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been in a relationship with a man(38) that I love very much for several months. I have no kids from previous 12 yr marriage, he has 2 from 2 previous marriages. There have really been no issues with us. We were very happy. We talked constantly about our future together. He had been asking me to move in for a while and I really wanted to but needed to be sure about some things first... His 2nd ex wife (divorced for 18 mths) the mother of his 3 yr old daughter recently decided to move back from Staten Island to a house she bought 4 blocks from my boyfriend. Just a little background on her..She cheated on her husband of 8 months(my boyfriend) and left with her previous boyfriend on 2 different occassions to live with him in Staten Island. They recently broke up (for now anyway..she has a strong history of juggling that ex boyfriend) Now she told my boyfriend she wants to get back together with him and be the family they were meant to be and that things will be totally different now. He was honest with me about all that and said he is super confused about what to do. He loves me a great deal but she has some kind of power over him. He turns into a doormat for some reason with her. So at this point we are pretty much broken up and she is working her magic hanging his daughter over him I assume. Everyone tells him how stupid he is and she will do it again but he is falling for her act. She went straight from her boyfriend to mine within a few days.. A few days ago I told him to leave my stuff on his back porch and I would pick it up after my night job..he said ok but then proceeded to leave me a long text that I saw when I left work..It read..."I put your stuff in back...I hate this.. I love you nothing less but we can't talk or see each other? It's crazy to me..How do I feel about you and you me like we do and not talk or see each other? But I guess its best for you. I just know if you wanted me this wouldn't be happening..you wouldn't stand for it and you would just take me. That's what I was hoping for on Sunday. But I guess I'll stick with my bad decision and have to regret losing you..I'm sorry I hurt you. Really. I hope we can still be friends..I was hoping for more. Maybe you'll change your mind..tell me this isn't happening and take me and tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe someday. Just not yesterday. Your stuff is out back..miss you." (end Text) I didn't go get my stuff that night because I wasn't feeling well but I saw that text and so I thought omg he is choosing me!..and even though I feel like I should not be the one who has to fight for this since I did nothing wrong, I still did. I couldn't call him the next day since he was working but I needed to respond to his text so I did and I put it all out there..telling him he was mine and we have a very happy future that I refuse to let him destroy etc... The response I got to my text was seemingly cold and blah..so I asked if he was retracting his text from the night before? He said.."I don't know..I am so confused and tired.." Seriously? That made me feel very foolish..since then he has been strange and coldish in his texts..I went to pick up my stuff while he was gone this morning and he did not leave it all out. I could have used the hidden spare key I use but no longer want to enter his house while he is not there. I now have to go back tomorrow on his day off to pick up my stuff and I guess say good bye in person officially. I don't want it to be over and I am not sure what else to do about it..What can I do to make him realize he shouldn't give up what we have to go back with someone who has torn up his family in the past? My heart is breaking badly and I feel like I have no say in what happens...please help me. Thank you..
...just needed to add some info..I know both of his daughters 15 and 3..they both love me and always ask about me when I am not around..and we had intentions of having a baby of our own and getting married. It is still possible that I am pregnant right now but I won't know for another week.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective. Dear friend, I believe that I can help you. You are learning about the true nature and depth of your boyfriend's character and moral strength. You have seen that he does not have the grit that is necessary to have a committed relationship. HIs lack of resolve and his inability to even know what he wants will always be a part of his personality. I'm sure that you don't want to have to work at keeping him when he is so easily swayed. You can't have peace of mind in this relationship because he is not offering any security. It is not true that you have no say in what happens. You have the power to say no and give him a final ultimatum. If he cannot be 100% committed to you then you can tell him that he is not acceptable. Because you are in love with him, you cannot accept less because it hurts too much. He cannot tell you in good faith that he wants you and then become wishy washy. This is a heart breaker, but if he does not have what it takes to commit to you, then you are only setting yourself up for more pain and a roller coaster relationship, which is something he is experienced with and finds acceptable, or at best cannot escape. I suggest that you draw your line and set your limit and tell him that he can not cross it or you will be gone. What else can you do? I understand how painful this is but you cannot make him strong, responsible, and committed. If he can do this then he will be worthy of you. If not, he cannot. I wish you the strength to show him the right choice and then it is up to him. I shall keep you in my prayers for success. Warm regards, Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Sorry, but I disagree with Elliott, who I highly respect. Your guy is NOT going to stay confused always, but he might act as if he had been FATALLY WOUNDED IN THE HEART BY THIS OTHER WOMAN. And that might last long enough to destroy the love you have for him, UNLESS SHE CHEATS ON HIM WITH her other ex or ANOTHER SEXY (OR RICH OR POWERFUL) NEW GUY PRETTY SOON.
SHE IS A PSYCHOPATH. And psychopathic women are different from other women in 2 main ways: 1. For a love-psychopath, LOVE is whatever has the most sexual and emotional firestorms going on most often. Stable, comfortable attachment is NOT satisfying for very long at all--the chances of her juggling both him and the guy she cheated with are high, and so are the chances of her finding some other sources of high-intensity fireworks, and also of provoking wild and crazy fights with your boyfriend.
I do call him your boyfriend, because I agree with Elliott that you may very well be unable to stand the pain of not being able to recover his poisoned heart from this predator and have to pull away for your own safety. I also agree with Elliott that you have the power of NO. However, if you send him an ultimatum in, say 1 month after maintaining silence and give him just 1 month (or less) to commit to you & block her access or ONLY give her supervised visitation rights to their daughter, then he will probably be unable to stand firmly enough, and you will go away broken-hearted and have to build an emotional wall (including blocking ALL communication, including by all potential go-betweens) to keep her poisoning from eating away at you too.
2. The fundamental difference between a psychopathic mind and a more normal mind is that the psychopath is obsessed with POWER and LOVE is a side-show for her. SHe might have a very "colorful" sex-history, perhaps including PORN, and that is very hard for most men to resist. And she might have inborn or acquired BRAIN DAMAGE that leads her to be somewhat less than human and possibly fiercely sexual as her most preferred access to power (unless she has other criminal history).
You might still win him back soon enough to restore the wholeness of YOUR heart to a love so damaged as it is now, because Feelings Are Designed to be Temporary if they are not Repeatedly Reinforced by similar events. However, your best hope of that (in my opinion, of course) is to email him and/or get any of his numerous friends that have good opinions of you to urge him to hire a Forensic Psychologist also capable of marriage counseling to counsel with him and determine if she IS a PSYCHOPATH or not. Many psychopaths have brain damage from birth or aqcquired later.
I write this because I counseled with a couple for 6 months, and then with the man for now almost 2 years after that--and he is now Still Incapable of getting her poison out of his heart, tho he HAS been sure that she is vicious since 2 months after their breakup and sure that she is a psychopath since 6 months after that when I put together the evidence--since I'm NOT a forensic psychologist: They specialize in the study of CRIMINAL MINDS.
She might be "only" a psychopathic Narcissist, since Narcissists can't really love either, and both types are pathological liars.
I'd say in closing, that if you want to not give up without a fight, get him to engage a forensic psychologist for a professional diagnosis, and then work out thru consultation how long you can cope with just laying low to wait for a diagnosis and a verdict--and THEN for him to act accordingly. But even if that professional opinion does come back as Psychopath, and IF there's evidence of brain damage that may help your case, and his custody problems a lot. But my female client was adamantly both FRIGHTENED OF (because her mother had premature dementia) and UNWILLING to undergo tests to determine whether she had BD or not, BECAUSE IT WOULD DIMINISH HER POWER. My wife, a very good therapist with no experience in psychopathy, was taken in my this client's lies for much longer than a previous female relationship counselor and I was (we each needed about 3 months to catch her in enough lies to realize WHO was the pathological one between the two of them).
That's the best I have to offer. And I'd reassure you as I'm sure Elliott would also, that your feelings will recover, even tho it might take you more months than you've been in the relationship up to now. And your BoyFriend's rush to get you to move in is NOT a Guarantee that he's too weak for you--but it IS another source of doubt about whether HE will recover his balance any time soon--whether he stays sucked in by her for only a month or for much more. And YOU also barely know this BF, since the first major differences in deepening love relations don't normally show up much before 6 months, and LOVE without the struggle to deal with incompletely reconcilable differences is not yet DURABLE.
It may be no gift to you that I'm less positive about your need to escape than Elliott. But I've offered one path to take if you want to FIGHT for this man before you give up and go (FAR) away--