How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im 23 and am married to a 35 year old. we have been married

Resolved Question:

Im 23 and am married to a 35 year old. we have been married for almost 3 years. we both play in bands as our full time jobs. recently I found out he cheated on me with a 38 year old woman. This woman is doing everything she can to cut all communication between my husband and I. This drama has costed me my job because this girl would show up at my gigs and it would bother me too much. I went home to canada right after i found out about this all and just recently came back about a week ago I was in the car with my husband we were arguing and he got angry enough in the parking lot that someone called the police, he drove off and took my cell. I dont want to press charges on him but i couldnt contact him until the charges are dropped. I know its my husband fault for bringing someone else into our marriage but i also feel like this woman is taking total control of a vulnerable situation and will not just let us solve our marriage in peace. My husbands angry now because its easy to blame me for everything saying i got the police involved and this woman is mothering him and nurturing him making me look like the bad guy and her look like the hero. I just dont even know where to begin to clean up this mess
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : The first step is getting the answers you need.
Deardebra : Your husband should answer all questions you have about why he cheated. This is a marriage where you said vows to be together so
Deardebra : Forever. Now you have this girl trying to break your marriage up because she wants to be with him.
Deardebra : she has come to your gigs to intimate you basically showing you she was not going anywhere.
Deardebra : What your husband did was wrong and he should have told this girl to not be around you.
Deardebra : No matter what he says that he's mad or upset he caused this whole problem. He divided your marriage and now it has effected your marriage
Deardebra : Your work.
Deardebra : He should not be mad at you for anything. You are trying to deal with this situation.
Deardebra : Now it is time to get your life back on track. You need to think about what is best for you.
Deardebra : When someone you love cheats there is a healing process and you also have to make decisions on whether you want to stay if you can get past everything he has done.
Deardebra : Why he took your cellphone was because he is now afraid of losing you, so taking your cellphone was his way of stopping you from leaving but he was wrong.
Deardebra : Your husband is the one that needs to take control of the situation and stop this girl from causing anymore problems.
Deardebra : She is going to keep trying to interfere until she breaks you both up. Your husband needs to tell her that he loves his wife and there will never be any me and you its over. She keeps thinking she has a chance. She also knows that she got too you because you lost your job and left for a little while.
Deardebra : You need to ignore her and act like you don't care so she will stop.
Deardebra : Right now she took over and you need to stop her from taking anymore from your life.
Deardebra : I want you to first get your life back. Your life is music and entertaining. I want you to focus on the positive.
Deardebra : I want you to think about you and what is going to help you solve this problem.
Customer:

as of right now i have no way of even contacting him and it is so hard for me because i know that she is still showing up to his gigs and i feel like she has won. my husband lost his iphone and she bought him one and its registered under her name

Deardebra : I want you to think about if you want to stay with him or if there is too much hurt to move forward together.
Customer:

shes taken total control of his facebook and removed all our photos together on his page and she listed herself as in a relationship with him and deleted and blocked me

Customer:

my husband doesnt know how to work the computer all that well so i know she's the one doing it

Deardebra : But first I want you to get your life back on track and do not even give that other girl a second thought that is your husband you are married. She just can't come in and ruin things in your life she needs to know this will not be happening anymore.
Deardebra : When are you able to talk with him.?
Customer:

its hard for me to know where to start because i feel like i lost everything .. i moved to the city because of my job and all my friends i made over the years all work together and now im not allowed to work their bc the bar owners believe my husband never did anything wrong and when he was arrested for arguing with me in public my boss paid his bail and is paying for a lawyer for him and phoned me the next morning to fire me ..he phoned my mom whos been staying with me so i feel like i have no job marriage out of touch without a phone and without friends

Deardebra : Your husband did do things wrong even though your boss thinks he didn't. When are you able to talk with your husband?
Customer:

my confidence is so low now because i cant understand how this girl is controlling him in this way and why he obviously feels like this woman has more to offer.. to me at her age she should have enough experience in life to show more integrity than what she is doing. she doesnt have a job and lives in an apartment less than a block away from the club we played at. shes at the club almost every night and I'm not a drinker neither is he we just play where we can as musicians but this girl is more like a groupie of some sort heres a photo she sent me of the two of them

Full Size Image

Customer:

Full Size Image

Customer:

that was us

Customer:

i dont knowwhen or how to contact him thats the toughest part

Deardebra :

It sounds like she has a lot of control over him right now and she could be telling him that you do not care about him.

Deardebra :

But you have to wonder if he even knows what she is doing.

Deardebra :

You said he is not good at the computer, so he might not even know that she has changed things on his Facebook.

Deardebra :

I am sure he doesn't know about her sending that photo either. This is why he has no idea why you are upset because she is doing things to change his opinion of you.

Customer:

so what can i do

Deardebra :

If you could contact your husband if it is ok you need to tell him what is going on. I feel he does not know. That picture was a way of her trying to tell you they are together, but I feel that he knows nothing that is happening.

Deardebra :

I am not sure if you can contact him because of what has happened but if you can you need to talk with him as soon as you can.

Deardebra :

This has to be solved because you need to know if you have to move on.

Deardebra :

You have to make the steps to start a whole new life for yourself.

Deardebra :

New friends, new job. I am sure there are so many places looking for talented people in a band where you can start again.

Deardebra :

When it comes to a marriage no one should have took sides.

Deardebra :

They should have let both of you handle this on your own. He cheated, you didn't do anything for him to cheat on you.

Deardebra :

That should have never happened.

Deardebra :

He should have apologized and you both should have worked on trying to solve the problem in your marriage, but

Deardebra :

things got out of hand.

Deardebra :

Him being angry and taking your phone was because he was frustrated that he could not solve the problem so he reacted on emotions.

Deardebra :

Yes, it was the wrong emotions.

Deardebra :

He should have handled things in a calm manner.

Deardebra :

You can not take back the past so this is why there needs to be a solution.

Deardebra :

I feel he knows nothing she is doing, so you need to tell him how you feel.

Deardebra :

You both need to see if you want to fix this marriage and try again or move on.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency