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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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My relationship has been a roller coaster ride since it began.

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My relationship has been a roller coaster ride since it began. I met my wife about 18 years ago. She had a child and I had one. Our children didn't make things any easy. I guess intially we were both too over protective our kids. The first 2 years, we separated at 3 times. Pursued therapy and it helped a little. During the late teens, both of our kids got hooked on drugs. Gave both several opportunities to change the behavior. They both continued to manipulate us and did feel that rules applied to them.
Eventually, I kicked out my biological son because he was the oldest. Eventually, my step-son. They both went to live with their grandparents. Through-out this time, I made it clear to both of them that if they wanted my help it was conditional; thus, they would have to get help and get off drugs and so me that they were doing something with their lives in order to get my support. Through this time, they chose to do their own thing. With much pain and guilt I saw them struggle. Eventually my Biologicals son about 1 year got back on track and he is now in college getting ready to complete his bachelors degree in Psychology. he is also getting ready to become certified as a personal trainer. My step-son met a girl and got her pregnant and gave us a beautiful granddaughter who is now 4 going on 5 in December 2013. His relationship failed. Nonetheless, he has continued on drugs inspite of the fact that his wife and him are presently under investigation from Child Protective Services (CPS). My step-son's ex-wife took our granddaughter to live in Oklahoma where she met a young man who we are also convinced intentional burned our granddaughter twice. The first my granddaughter ended up in shiners children's hospital. Through out this time I admit building a lot of resentment towards him for not fighting for his dauther and letting her go initially without a fight to Oklahoma knowing that he had our full support to ensure the baby's safety. Prior to my granddaughter living our whole world revovle around her. In spite of my resentment towards my step-son, through out this time, wife has been an inabler for him. She never stopped washing for him, bailing him out of trouble, he still kept all of his things including clothes in my house up until October of 2013 when I fianlly told my wife that it was time for him to get his stuff out. This was followed by an incident in his grandmother's where he was hiding drugs and was arrested prior.

My other son when he left took everything with him and had been fending for himself. I told her didn't see it helpful to keep inabling him. Furthermore, my step-son loan a car i bought him to one of his drug user first and he total the car and was trying to get my wife driving around at odd hours of the night. One time he called my wife to pick him up from work at 1:00PM and that is where I drew my line in the sand and said. No more rides. He Total his car. His needs to learn from his action. My step-son now finally bought his own car and I'm pround. He still hasn't stop smoking. Nonethless, my wife through out this time has build a lot of resentment towards me. My granddaughter is back. She still fills ours lives with joy but this hasn't been enough for her.

Just this week, on Monday May 6, 2013, she told me she is leaving the house and moving with her mother where her son is. She admitted still loving me but not being sure if she was willing to try working things out. I told her Loved her and didn't want for her to leave but at the same time I also realized it takes 2 work to make a marriage work and if she felt very strongly that she couldn't put in the necessary effort then we should separate. By the the way, my wife is an introvert and takes her a long time to process things, open up, and express her feelings. I asked her if she loves and she finally told she did but she wasn't sure if she was able to put in the necessary effort. She said, "I feel we are going in circle". "It's never going to get better".

Question:
Should I let her go and move on?
Should I try to convince her to stay but I'm afraid of manipulating her into staying?
What should be my next step?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I have just thoroughly read what you have written and would like to offer you my observations and professional support and thank you for offering so much and sharing your story.

Firstly it would make sense to offer you some observations about your circumstances and actions. I don't see at any point in what you've done that is inappropriate or out of order. Some might say that you have provided 'tough love' to both your biological and stepson - one took it well, the other didn't for his own reasons. Addictions are brutal to work through, I was a drug and alcohol counselor for several years and it is very hard fir family members to support someone through such tough periods, especially when they are so close to you or a family member. I commend you for your persistence and sheer hard work, in trying to support them both through their addictions, that couldn't have been easy for you.

On the other hand, your wife, who doesn't communicate or cannot communicate as effectively as you might like. She may have been holding a lot of resentment inside all of this time and if, like you say, she has the influence of her controlling sister, then she may well be manipulated somewhat by the sister's own agenda towards your wife and she can't see it.

Your question of "should I let her go and move on?" - if you love her and want her back, if you feel your marriage is worth fighting for, then yes, it would be VERY important to try and find a way to communicate with her that enables her to see that you are wanting this more than anything. You could do this by talking to her over a coffee - meet somewhere public so she doesn't feel worried about things getting too heated. Take her away somewhere for the day, go for a long walk and talk. If this doesn't work, try emailing her if she would be amenable to it and express exactly how you feel and try and focus on the two of you rather than discussing the boys.

You and your wife have been together for a long time, if you really truly felt that you were manipulating her to stay, you probably wouldn't convince her, you sound like someone that cares about others and certainly care for your wife. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and trust your gut feeling on this; only you deep down are going to know the answer. I can help you look at those options with some clarity and without judgment. You do though, deserve to give yourself a a chance to be happy and if this is with your wife, perhaps you could ask her if she would consider couple counseling with you to try and make your marriage work.

I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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Kindest Regards, Karin

Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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