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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Been on 5 dates within a month and a half.with this lady. She

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Been on 5 dates within a month and a half.with this lady. She came out of over 3 year relationship. We got set up by a close cousin of mine.

We are both reserved and quiet and have similar things in common but not everything. . I dont talk much most times but can be loud/outgoing sometimes when i'm motivated or when with an outgoing person.

I initiate all phone calls. She initiate texts sometimes but didn't have anything to say until I take over the conversation. She doesn't mind expressing her opinion or what she looks for in a relationship.

After last date, she told me she needs constant mind stimulation because she gets bored easily even though I do most of the talking and I talk about anything. She seemed to be scared of getting trapped in a boring relationship. We didn't contact each other for at least 2 weeks and then after, she texted me just to say hello, this time I only responded without trying to take over the conversation and I noticed she Hasnt texted back for another week now. Not sure if she was not fully interested in me and just playing courtesy game.

I'm not sure if this issue could be resolved even though we havnt gone out for almost a month now.or may be I should stop seeing her.

Can two people with this kind of personalities have a lasting relationship?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I understand how frustrating this can be. I think one of the problems here is that you both really didn't have time to get to know one another very well. I think she is interested since she texted you even though it was just to say hi. Since so much time had lapsed there was really no reason for her to do it out of courtesy.

I do think two individuals with these types of personalities can have a lasting relationship. However, there are so many other factors involved. It seems like she may have personal issues of getting bored in relationships and this may not be her personality per say, but more of a problem. There could be a reason for this that can be resolved, but first she would need to analyze that it is indeed a problem in order to go about solving it.

There are individuals whom are opposites and have lasting relationships and some do not last. Just as there are people who have much in common that have lasting relationships and some that do not. This is why i believe whether or not a relationship can last is mainly based on the two individuals involved and each couple on a case by case basis. Whether or not you should continue seeing her or if it can be resolved should be based on the situation at hand and your feelings. I would ask yourself how much do you feel for this person and if you see potential? Are you thinking about moving forward in order to conquer a difficult situation or because you truly are interested in her? These are some questions to ask yourself. I would also consider if you are willing to deal with the way it was such as her not initiating a conversation as well as her getting easily bored, but at the same time not being so stimulating herself. There are individuals out there who tend to blame others for things that they are lacking rather than looking within themselves. All of these issues are things to take into consideration when determining whether or not you should pursue the relationship further.

If you decide to go ahead with it I would suggest a lot of openness and communication as well as getting to know one another. Also, in order to determine what you both are truly looking for in a relationship in order to be on the same page as well as clear the air.

I wish you all the best and please let me know if I can help any further.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I forgot to mention that she also asked me if I think I was exciting. She said our connection hasn't reached the level she was expecting yet. That really hit me in the sense that I could only interpret it as saying I'm no fun/boring and not adventurous enough for her. My friends are a little worried she might leave me later on if someone more outgoing/livelier than me comes along the way if we keep going out. I really like her but not completely sure of her interest level. Since I'm more of a listener rather than talk a lot , I'm worried that at some point in time, I might get mentally drained if I have to be the one doing all the conversations or activities initiation.Is it too late to call/contact her again even when we havn't really contacted each other for so long? Not sure how a lady would react to a guy who didn't contact her for over 3 weeks - wont that sound like the guy likely some kinda of player.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I understand your concerns. I would be concerned about all of that as well. Based on the way it sounds she could possibly look elsewhere later if she is not satisfied with you. However, the correct way would be for her to not even get involved with you if that was the case. Rather than just stay and wait for someone that she feels is better to come along. Therefore I would not worry about all the possibilities that could happen because anything is possible in a long term relationship. But if she is showing you signals that pop up as red flags and risks then you would need to consider if it is really worth it. In the beginning things are usually wonderful since in the "honeymoon" phase than later when the two get used to one another things can sometimes get boring unless the two do not allow that to happen. This is up to the individuals involved because in time is when the relationship truly deepens and strengthens on to the next level of closeness. This will only happen if the two are committed to the relationship. If one is not serious then they could start looking elsewhere regardless of their partners personality. They do this due to their own issues of not being able to stay in a relationship.

If you feel you would be mentally drained in time then that is not a good sign. Based on everything you told me I would feel the same. That puts a lot of pressure and stress on you. A relationship should be mutual and not based on one person making it work or making it "fun".

You may want to think twice about if you truly want to contact her. However, whether or not you would sound like a player really depends upon how you both spoke last. Whether or not it was mutual, if you were intimate then left, and etc. If you always contacted her and stopped to see what she were to do then this is not being a player at all. If that's the case and you want to contact her I would do that and see her reaction. If there is an issue you can then explain why you did stop contacting her and communicate in order to be on the same page.

In my opinion based on what you explained I don't really think it is worth it to contact her based on all the stress and doubt she has caused you over only 5 dates. However, if you feel there is something special about her than it is worth a try.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I doubt i can deal with all that pressure of trying to please her since i believe i have my own needs too. So I think I'll just move on. Your advice had been greatly helpful.

Just a little digression; as a result of my quiet/laid back personality, I noticed that people don't know how to relate to me as I expect. Even though everybody knows I always put on a smily face at all time and never really get angry easily, whenever I try talking to someone (some co worker, or aquaintance) including the very outgoing ones, it seems they always run out of things to say to me. I believe I'm not bad looking at all . This might sound a little silly but, Is there a way to tell if people get intimidated by me or find me a little boring/socially awkward ? I believe knowing how to deal with this could help me a little bit in relationship aspects too.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello, still waiting on your suggestion.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Sorry for the delay as I was offline. I think that is the best thing you can do at this point.

Regarding if people think you are a little boring or if they are intimidated. That is hard to say because in life different people will have different opinions of us and this goes for each one of us regardless of our personality type. Some may find you a little boring, but then again you may be thinking they find you boring when in actuality they do not and are actually intrigued by you. The world is filled with "show offs" and outgoing people. This does not make them good or liked and just because you are on the quiet side does not make you " boring". However, like I said everyone will create an opinion about us whether it be good or bad. The fact is we can not please everyone and we need to do what is right, be ourselves, as well as be true to ourselves. Even if one may prefer to be with someone more outgoing I believe they will still appreciate your ways of being genuine. There may be people intimidated as well since they realize you are a true person and they can not handle it. You will find someone who will appreciate your personality and see how special you are. You would not want to be with someone who did not or someone you would need to change for. Laid back and someone who does not anger easily seems like wonderful traits to me. Someone who listens and not only talks all the time as well as someone who does not waste their time talking about nonsense also all seem like great traits. Even like you said with her you are the one who had to do all the talking and was too draining for you. She even complained about it when she wasn't even doing anything to contribute. Sometimes this is why opposites do attract. Imagine two talkers or two listeners...:). Of course anything can work and depends on the two individuals. However, sometimes opposites do attract. Overall, opposite or not who will find someone who enjoys being with you as well as someone you also enjoy being with. A relationship should be enjoyable and not stressful.

I wish you all the best!
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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