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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hello, The hypocrisy of people is eating me up. I really

Resolved Question:

Hello,
The hypocrisy of people is eating me up.
I really believe that loyalty makes a family.
I have been through so much pain in my life
and after all those times I was able to come around.
Now I feel as though I will just explode.
My stepdaughter has still not made any changes and I know we have
to sit back.
However, every book I have read on the subject, states it is the
job of the parent to foster relationship or at least positive vibes
with the child of divorce toward the other parent.
This is what my husband and I always did.
When SD targeted her mother we only let it go a short while and SD
knew we would not tolerate this behavior long.
So , since she needed someone to target and knew her mother would
allow it, she targeted us.
Wonder mother has zero penalty for her horrible behavior and we have all
the sadness. My husband's siblings actually still have the mother on facebook.
How would they like it if we had one of their exes on Facebook ?
It is so disloyal that I am thinking of sending an email to family members
that have the mother on with a bcc so everyone does not talk.
The mother is all about bringing positive energy, harmony, peace, blah,blah
blah while alienating her daughter from her father. She never seemed hostile
toward him, but I guess she must be.
It has been two and a third years and I just want it all out of my life.
Why do people stand on platitudes that they don't live ?
Thank you for your time.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

One thing that your husband family should do is have someone that has caused so many problems be still on their Facebook.

Customer: But she is the queen of all that is good !
Customer: You meant not do right ?
Deardebra :

So people have the wrong impression of her?

Customer: They know what she has done by omission and I guess choose to look away
Customer: I would call it passive aggressive
Customer: She is all about the Zen of everything but does not edify my husband so SD
Customer: is free to continue to shun us
Deardebra :

Some times people know people do wrong but they want to make excuses for it to almost justify her actions.

Customer: My one sis in law did confront SD and told mother it had been long enough but the mother got huffy
Customer: fromhuffy from being called on her bs, but their has been no fb change.
Customer: I think people don't really consider them friends, but I am somewhat technical that way.
Customer: Anyway I know several of them would spit up on their exes so how would they like it?
Customer: One of my nieces got rid of both of them so cousin and mother because she saw her true self
Customer: andself and heard what mother called her daughter
Deardebra :

It sounds like they do it so they try to keep the peace with her, I think they figure that they will not get anywhere with her if they exclude her all together.

Customer: Probably, but this is my problem.
Customer: We are the outsiders and out of the loop.
Customer: Sorry but no one over 30 should be taking selfies and putting them online
Deardebra :

That is another thing is some times you don't have to say anything because people will judge themselves what type of a person she is, when people try to explain themselves about someone else people want to see the good in people but when you tell someone negative things they some times go in the opposite direction and try to see why the person is not nice. But if people figure it out for themselves then they will see who she really is as a person.

Customer: She is treating their brother , uncle, etc. like dirt after he was nothing but kind and did everything
Customer: mothereverything other needed even after divorce.
Customer: They know this. Isn't that enough for me to say why are u doing this ?
Customer: I would not have their exes on fb just because they say don't like
Deardebra :

So she is lashing out and being mean, you need to point it out in a way to make others see, but almost as if they have to figure it out themselves.

Customer: She is acting like he does not exist and the obvious intention there is he does not matter in her
Customer: daughter's life. When SD wanted nothing to do with her we did not tolerate that.
Customer: That is why we are in the position we are in with no response except for attending a wake for 2 plus years
Customer: SD's peers do not understand this because she told them she did not like her mother often.
Customer: I would see this as mother daughter stuff, but now they are building a house together and we
Customer: are non people
Customer: It just slays me that people put all of these lofty sayings online while treating important people like dirt
Deardebra :

It's hard to make others see how you feel.

Customer: That is why I want to say how I feel for a change.
Deardebra :

The reason is people will always make their own opinions.

Customer: And that is disloyal. If you are my friend your word on something is enough for me.
Deardebra :

I feel that you should not hold anything in and say how you feel because if you hold all this in then it will effect your life in a negative way. You should come right out and tell everyone how you feel. some times if you don't say people form their own opinions.

Customer: Ok. I think I will do it in a subtle way at first when in fact I want to scream !
Customer: I will also ask if you think as has been advised we are doing the right thing by letting SD
Deardebra :

It is always good to say it in a calm manner so that people will understand how you feel.

Customer: run her road without saying any more than we already have . always here for you, blah blah
Customer: I still felt all that a year ago but since holding my friends hand while he died I have changed
Deardebra :

When someone passes people often have a new outlook on life. I am sorry for your loss.

Customer: I knew SD was wasting time before but now I can't believe she has not had some sort of awakening !
Customer: I don't hold out much hope and would tell her so if it wasn't for my husband
Customer: Thank you again.
Deardebra :

I feel like some times people need to hear the truth because things need to be spoken in order for things to get solved.

Deardebra :

If you do not speak your mind then it will effect your life.

Customer: You have that right !
Customer: I am in knots, but I hate to be the only one that feels
Customer: somethingfeels something needs to be solved.
Customer: They are fine without us in their lives and we are the
Customer: devastatedthe devastated saps
Customer: It is horrible
Deardebra :

I want you to talk with your husband again and tell him that you feel things need to be resolved that this really bothers you.

Customer: I was just thinking that.
Customer: We cried for two years and now we don't talk about it anymore
Customer: On the other hand. I don't think I could ever trust either of them again
Customer: and maybe it is best they are out of our lives
Deardebra :

That is the decision you need to think about whether you want bring this back up and if you can trust them to be in your life again.

Customer: SD and mother are almost one person.
Customer: It is so weird and different so unless they implode and resume
Customer: a normal relationship I think I would only get hurt again.
Customer: But I can still speak my truth for closure.
Customer: Just have to make sure my husband is ok with that .
Deardebra :

Yes, I do feel you need closure to move on, so you can heal from what has happened.

Customer: Thank you !!!
Customer: I will preface the talk with your last sentence !
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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