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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1823
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi I have a few relationship related questions

Resolved Question:

Hi I have a few relationship related questions
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

I can help you. You can type your questions right here and I will answer them for you.

Customer:

Hi

Deardebra :

hello I am here

Deardebra :

I do not understand why you rated me with bad service why don't you ask your questions, I am here to help you.

Customer:

Hi I did not mean to...that was accidental

Customer:

I am sorry

Deardebra :

That's ok, you can rate me again after I help you.

Customer:

Ok :)

Deardebra :

Not a problem.

Customer:

I wanted to know how much of a bearing does the kind of childhood I have had, have on my relationshops

Customer:

*relationships

Customer:

My mother was bipolar, so growing up was not really an easy task

Deardebra :

childhood does effect relationships.

Customer:

Due to the way she behaved, i grew up not having too many friends, and i have been socially awkward

Customer:

one of my many fears is i might be like my mother

Customer:

have the same issues

Customer:

i lost a boyfriend to cancer when i was fairly young

Customer:

after which i was very hesitant to get into any sort of relationship or form bonds with people

Customer:

but when i did start working i got close to one of my friends from college

Customer:

he and i became close and i used to talk to him quite a lot about my family n my fears and about life in general

Customer:

we went out a couple of times too

Customer:

one of our common friends for reasons i still dont understand, tried creating problems between us

Customer:

things were never the same after that

Customer:

i tried really hard to get things back to how they were

Customer:

and he grew distant

Customer:

i kept askin him why things had changed

Customer:

and he kept saying that he would always be there for me and thing would never change

Customer:

but after that he moved away to another city for work

Customer:

and things got even wierder

Customer:

he would never speak to me or attend to any of my calls, even when he did he sounded distant and kept conversations very formal

Customer:

but when he was back in town he was his old affectionate self

Customer:

but a few months ago when i called him up again, he was rude to me

Customer:

thats when i asked him again what has changed

Customer:

he said nothing has changed, its just that i has the wrong idea about us all this while

Customer:

and he was sorry if he ever lead me on

Customer:

how could it be possible that i never got this vibe from him for two years

Customer:

did i force my self on him

Customer:

when i asked him if this was because of the rift between us a year ago, due to the common friend

Customer:

he said that there was no relationship between us at any point of time

Customer:

that i conjured it all up on my head

Customer:

and now i feel terribly lost

Deardebra :

Things often change when people have disagreements.

Deardebra :

It changes how one sees one another.

Customer:

but why didnt he let me know of this then, over a year ago

Customer:

why continue as if nothing had changed

Customer:

why say things like it was all in my head

Customer:

if things had changed for him he could have let me know a year ago

Customer:

why wait to move to another city n then tell me

Deardebra :

He might not have wanted you to know how he felt.

Customer:

ok...

Deardebra :

I think he knew things changed but he wanted to act like they didn't

Deardebra :

It is hard because you opened up to someone who you had a connection.

Deardebra :

You told him things about your life and he has helped you in many ways and I am sure you helped him as well.

Deardebra :

Now that things have changed he acts like the relationships was never there like he wants to forget how close you once were, the reason is because he is hurt.

Deardebra :

Since this friend got between you, it has caused a problem that shouldn't of happened.

Deardebra :

Now in order to cover up his feelings he says there was nothing there.

Deardebra :

But there was it is almost like he said that to hurt you like he feels you hurt him.

Deardebra :

You could talk about this with him over and over again but it will not change things what has happened happened and you can not take it back.

Deardebra :

Now what you both need to do is put the past in the past and move forward as friends.

Deardebra :

It is almost as if you both have to start again.

Customer:

I honestly have tried to do that

Customer:

but the same old questions keep popping into my head

Customer:

and like you said its the same discussions over and over again

Customer:

and its like we are stuck at square one

Deardebra :

I feel you both should never bring it up again.

Deardebra :

When he came to visit it was like old times because you both were reminded how things were, now when he went back he started to remember what happened.

Customer:

some times i feel i must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, and made a mistake in confiding in the wrong person

Customer:

yes he always insisted on meeting me alone, i would initially always say no, because it was too painful for me to do that

Customer:

but he like always he would insist and i would give in

Customer:

i feel stupid for doing that now

Customer:

because maybe its easy for him to detached about it

Customer:

but not for me

Customer:

i have really tried putting all of the bitter memories behind

Customer:

when he is away in another city n i feel like i need to talk to him

Customer:

the last time i called him, he said you cannot call me everytime you think you have a problem

Customer:

i took that very badly

Customer:

it hurt

Customer:

thats when i knew i could not put up with the situation any more, and said things i maybe shouldnt have

Customer:

things wont be the same

Customer:

i know

Deardebra :

But you can start again with him

Deardebra :

You want to tell him that you know things might never be the same but I del we should put the past behind us and start again.

Customer:

but thats the thing...i think there is something wrong with me...i somehow cannot

Customer:

what happened was too painful

Customer:

i really did try

Customer:

had a nervous breakdown in the process

Customer:

*near nervous breakdown

Customer:

left the job so i didnt have to see him again

Customer:

i thought that would help

Customer:

but it didnt

Customer:

we tried again

Customer:

to be friends

Customer:

in the meantime while i was unemployed and tried to get a grip on my self

Customer:

my mother started having epileptic seizures

Customer:

and my dad had a stroke n needed to be taken care of

Customer:

i needed someone to talk to

Customer:

n when i reached out to him he was uncharacteristically cold

Customer:

being unemployed

Customer:

having to take care of two parents who were unwell

Customer:

n the kind of rejection from him

Customer:

took a toll on me

Customer:

his reply to when i started crying was, i thought you were stronger, please find someone else that you can talk to

Customer:

recently i found out that he has started seeing other people

Customer:

and i feel like i will never be able to pick up the pieces again

Deardebra :

It seems like he just has never got over what happened and he never wanted it to happen again so he shut you out.

Deardebra :

I want you to ask him if he still wants to be friends and if you can still come too him when you need him.

Customer:

well the last time we spoke he was less than nice, not even cold, he was rude, he called me names, to which i replied too,

Customer:

i had a tough time controlling my temper after that

Customer:

so i dont think that is going to happen

Customer:

i just need to know what else i can do to move on

Customer:

because my self respect does not allow me to ever ask him for help again

Customer:

but at times just a mention of his name is XXXXX XXXXX put me off balance

Customer:

i have since started studying

Customer:

that keeps me occupied

Deardebra :

Studying is good to keep your mind off things. what you need is closure.

Deardebra :

You want to tell him how you feel and then move on from there.

Deardebra :

If you feel you can not fix the friendship then you need to move on and find someone that will accept everything about you.

Deardebra :

People have bad days and people get into arguments but a true friend forgives and forgets.

Customer:

no he is not the sorts to forget , but he does not ever confront a problem either, his motto in life is to ignore a problem until it goes away

Customer:

and i am the opposite

Deardebra :

If you ignore problems they get worse.

Customer:

i am more upfront

Deardebra :

He needed to talk about it in order to solve it.

Customer:

so i often com across as the more brash,

Deardebra :

Being upfront is good.

Customer:

no he always says everything is fine

Customer:

and this topic is not up for discussion

Customer:

those are his only two response modes

Deardebra :

It is because people some times do not want to hear the truth but you have to be honest and tell your opinion because you want to always be yourself.

Customer:

but from the change in his behavior you know that things are not alright at all

Deardebra :

So I feel that you are not going to get him to tell you how he feels he just wants to move on from the subject.

Customer:

i have tried enough n the last argument hit me like a ton of bricks, i never thought i would hear him say such things to me

Customer:

i am truly exhausted

Customer:

all i want is it to stop hurting

Customer:

i have tried the whole time heals everything approach

Deardebra :

You now need to heal.

Customer:

but it seems to be taking way longer thani anticipated :)

Deardebra :

you need to understand what happened and go forward.

Deardebra :

there is no set time on healing

Deardebra :

You need to break things down understand why it happened and move forward.

Customer:

i want it stop affecting me...like i said i hear his name, i become completely dysfucntional

Customer:

i cannot work or eat or sleep

Deardebra :

People say things out of anger some times it is out of people's control/

Customer:

all the hurt comes back

Deardebra :

It is because it has never got solved.

Customer:

yes but even though i apologised a hundred times

Deardebra :

You need closure

Customer:

he never did the last time

Deardebra :

It is because you still can not fix it

Customer:

that means he meant what he said

Customer:

he meant all those words for me

Deardebra :

I do not feel he did it was out of hurt and anger

Customer:

i have even cut my self off from any common friends that we might share

Customer:

do you think that might help me to move on

Customer:

is it possible to move on

Customer:

without him in my life

Deardebra :

You could try one more time to solve the problem and if it does not work again it is time to move on.

Deardebra :

You can not force someone to forgive

Deardebra :

If he does not want to be friends again then you need o move on

Deardebra :

The reason why you have this connection with him is because he knows so much about you.

Deardebra :

You formed a bond with him, you trusted him with your life.

Customer:

and he judged me

Deardebra :

He judged you and no one should judge you.

Deardebra :

Everyone is different in their own way.

Deardebra :

People need to accept others. You will find a person that accepts you for you.

Deardebra :

I feel like spending so much time with someone that is not treating you right, you might be missing out on someone else that you could form a relationship with.

Customer:

it sounds strange and cheesy saying it out loud

Customer:

but i almost have begun to hate him

Customer:

and that hurts even more

Customer:

i felt abandoned by him

Customer:

betrayed even

Customer:

especially now that he seems to have moved onto other people

Customer:

and i am still stuck in older memories

Deardebra :

This is due to unresolve issues.

Deardebra :

It is ok to keep those old memories, and remember the good times, but I feel it is time to make new ones with someone else. Give someone else a chance. there could be someone that wants to get to know you and you might not see it because you are letting someone else take too much of your time. There are things in life that you can fix and then there are things that need time to heal.

Customer:

due you think maybe someday i might not remember him at all

Customer:

that seeing him or hearing his name wont have any effect on me at all

Customer:

because i know he will never make the first move

Customer:

and i dont want to anymore

Customer:

so a reconciliation seems out of the picture

Customer:

i can only hope for it, but it seems futile to do so

Deardebra :

Yes, there will come a time when you will forget him once you move on.

Customer:

i hope so too

Customer:

i just want all this pain to go away

Customer:

thank you for hearing me out

Deardebra :

It will but it ill take some time. What I want you to do is to just let it go and not try to get an explanation for it. I want you to look at it as it happened and you tried to fix it but he didn't want to solve the problem so it is time to solve it within yourself and move on. You welcome

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1823
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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