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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Is there a chat option in here?

Customer Question

Is there a chat option in here?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I do not believe that there is a chat option for Relationships category. There is for mental health, but only one time for subscribers, but you will have to ask for it to be permitted.

I don't make the rules. I would not make those rules if it was up to me, but if you just want to go back and forth in this Q & A mode, then I will be happy to help. Otherwise, you can get in touch with the administrators. (I am a psychotherapist and have no input or influence in administrative matters).

I am here is you need me.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

OK, I just asked, because I saw it advertised but ok ... we can do it like this.

So, this is the story so far:

My ex girlfriend dumped me 1 month ago (we were together for year and a half). The reason she gave me is that she just can't go on like this and that it's just not the same. We never had any problems or fights or violence or anything toxic in the relationship. So it was really a surprise for me and it hurt a lot. But then I analyzed what happened and I think i know what was wrong. About half a year ago I really had a lot of work related stress and it translated onto my personal life and of course to the relationship. I was just not myself, had no energy and just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV ... so during this time she probably felt like I didn't love her anymore because I also didn't put a lot of effort into the relationship and she got scared and decided to end the relationship because she was probably thinking I was going to do it. I never lost my feelings for her, but I know I didn't provide the effort and affection and special moments she needed. I'm 30, she's 28. She only had one previous boyfriend who cheated on her, but she actually took him back but then later decided that she can't be with him because he cheated. She's a really fragile person deep inside (and a real power-woman on the outside), and she obviously felt that she needed to protect herself and end our relationship. After she gave me "the talk", I just said that I understand. And left.

After that this happened:


 


1.) We had a long talk a week after the break-up. I didn't beg. It was really sincer, we discussed what happened and what went wrong and I told her I realise my mistakes and I apologise for hurting her and that I would never do them again. I also told her I am willing to work really hard on making it work and proposed that we give it a fresh start.

2.) I try to not initiate any contact (she clearly told me she needs time for herself). This is a bit hard to do, since we work together (same office, just a few meters apart, so we see each other every day at work). I keep the work communication professional and treat her like any other coworker. If that means poking a few jokes now and then, that's it. But I don't talk personal stuff with her or try to talk about the past.


 


3.) One week after our talk she called me to her desk at work and asked me if I would like to go to dinner with her to a really fancy gourmet restaurant. I was hesitative, because it seemed weird why would you want to go to dinner with someone you just dumped. But she insited and we set a date. It's May 25th (yes, when we set the date if was more than a month ahead). Latter that evening she sent me an e-mail saying she heard a song on the radio that reminded her of me and use and that she's thinking about us. And that she really had to tell me. At first I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say and in the morning I got a text from her saying why didn't I reply that it took a lot of courage on her part to send that and that she's angry with me for not replying. I asked her if she wants to talk. And the next text had even more anger, so I cooled her down and said that the time was not right and that I don't want to fight.


 


4. One week ago I went sailing with my friends (for one week) and the night before I left she sent me a long text saying that she feels really weird that I'm going without her because we did a lot of stuff together and she's not feeling ok with me going alone. But she wished me to have a nice time. I replied "That's how things are at the moment. Maybe someday things will be different." We exchanged some fun texts during my trip. When I came back she sent me a text "How was it? Hope you had a good time." I answered that it was great but so many things happened that I can't explain them all over a text message and we should get some coffee some time this week so I can tell her about it. She agreed (but we didn't set a date/time. yet).

5. She's visiting some relatives of hers in another country these days and I sent her basically the same message as she sent me before I went sailing. I got basically the same reply. Then we exchanged some fun texts and she found out about some of the stuff that's been going on in my life and I got a "Wow, you really are changing your life for the better a lot."

OK, so this is the storry so far. I've tried to include all the details. What do you think? I still would like to get back together with her. A lot. The relationship we had was really strong before things started to fall apart. Some of our mutual friends told me when they asked her if she wants to get together with me "I don't know. Never say never."


Am I doing things right? What do you think is happening in her head at the moment.


 


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Miha

Thank you for getting back to me.

I read your very articulate and descriptive letter which presented your interactions in a way that seems to illustrate your mutual emotional states.

When you had your breakup, you describe yourself as a man who had been in a depressed state for one reason or the other, and the best you could do was to sit around and watch TV. When a person is depressed, they lose initiative, enthusiasm, find it difficult to be cheerful, positive, or upbeat, and may even be a bit irritable.

She is a woman who has been abandoned before, by the old boyfriend, but perhaps also in her childhood (abandonment or neglect). She is very touchy and is set off by the least hint of abandonment by you. This is a typical reaction of someone who has been traumatized by neglect.

When she sees you depressed and out of sorts on the couch, she imagines that it is her fault and you are getting ready to dump her. So to protect herself, he broke up with you.

The same mindset appeared when you did not answer her text right away. She was probably waiting on pins and needles for your answer, but when it did not arrive in a timely manner she had already imagined the worst, and once again backed off.

She is very insecure but she seems to like you very much and she wants to be with you. I believe that you feel the same way.

You can make this work if you understand how emotionally fragile she is - always expecting rejection or abandonment. Therefore, you must go the extra mile to give her the assurance and attention that will keep her from worrying and becoming afraid.

If you can do this, then you can have a wonderful relationship.

She will begin to trust you more and more, and may have some relapses, when something unforeseen happens to set her off again. Ride the rough waves, which you as a sailor understand. Don't abandon ship but get through the storms and back into smooth waters again.

I believe that this could and should be a great love story. LIke all great romances, they have to be worked on. You must take the lead here, and once she learns to trust that you are real, and not like her previous man, things will be find. Strength and patience will bring you success.

I shall keep you both in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Thank you for your reply. Could you give me a little more guidance as to what my next steps should be. I've never done this ... trying to get back together with somebody. I've had my share of relationships and was on both sides of the break-up (dumped/dumpee), but never before have I been wanting to get back with the person. But I feel this one is really special and I'm willing to get back together, because I know it can work. I just don't know what to do exactly. I don't want to appear as to needy/clingy/weak, but on the other hand I, obviously, need to still be here for her even at this time. What exactly should I do?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Miha,

You really do not need to do anything extraordinary. Talk to her. Take her out to dinner. Buy her flowers. Write her a love letter or love poem.

Tell he complimentary things. Don't do anything that will make her feel insecure.

Keep your word to her. Do what you say you will do.

Answer her letters or texts as quickly as you can. Be patient with her.

She is needy and fragile and you must treat her delicately and with a lot of attention.

If you do these things then you should have great success with her.

If you need further direction, please get back to me. I do think that you understand what needs to be done and I trust that you will be able to succeed with this relationship.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7661
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

So, I brought here her favorite chocolate on wednesday and we went for coffee yesterday ... it was a casual coffee (a little bit over an hour) we talked about the fun stuff both of us did in recent weeks, the conversation was light, easy, we didn't say a word about (our) past. I actually had a great time just talking to her and being near her. Then we went home, agreed to do something fun together next week, hugged and went our separate ways. In that moment, my heart just broke to pieces. I cried, knowing I can't have her, can't kiss her, can't hold hands, she's not my girlfriend anymore. What should I do? Write her a letter and express my feelings to her, apologize, and ask her for another chance? Or just block her out of my life completely and take care of myself (cancel all the arrangements I have with her)? I still would love to get back with her, but I don't want to fall into a circle of depression and just losing myself in the process. At the moment, I'm feeling profound sadness.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

The thing that made me feel sad was because she wasn't returning any feelings, or I didn't feel anything from her. I'm obviously still madly in love with her, but she's just acting cold and distant. I'm in such a place emotionally right now. Is it possible that I'm investing too much time into her, and expecting too much from her. I think she still has feelings for me, but, at the moment, she's just shut down emotionally. I hope there's a way I can bring her back to me.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

But ... I'm just currently feeling this 100 % love toward her. I miss her. Miss her touch, miss her smell, miss her smile. And I'm not getting anything back. This is probably the hardes part of my life so far. I've had my share of relationships, good & bad, but never before have I wanted my ex back. This is the first time. I didn't know how much I loved her until she ended the relationship. I have been neglecting her and taking her for granted for the last 4 months of our time together and just pushed her away to the point that she had to end it. Can this even be fixed/recovered?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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