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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hoping you can help me. I am not sure what to do. So I will

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Hoping you can help me. I am not sure what to do. So I will tell you a little about me, little about her, and where we are at relationship wise. Years ago I dated a girl for awhile, and we ended up with a child. It wasn't planed but it happened. I had no problems about it, I love kids. Things didn't work but I continued being a father. Then I met someone else. She also had one boy. neither one of us had custody. We ended up getting married, but before we did she let me know she could not have children. This might have been a bigger issue had I not already had a son. Since we both already had a child no big deal. After a while her son and I grew pretty close and he wanted to live with us. So we did end up getting custody of him. Then one day I get a call from the state where my ex and son lived. There was never a custody battle, I got my son here and there and I would send her money, we didn't need the courts involved. anyway she was also getting state help. And there being no record of child support they wanted like $50,000 from me. I said I had been paying her. Anyway they required a DNA test. Well after raising a son for 8 yrs I am told he is not mine. They find the real father and he wants to be the father. And there I sit. Never got to see him again till he was like 16 when we ran into each other. I took losing him very hard. By this time my step son had gotten to the point when he would introduce me he would refer to me as his Dad Dirk. 7 yrs later I came home for to Iowa from Florida where we lived to visit. The second day in Iowa the Sheriff shows up with papers. Divorce papers. All bank accounts closed, I was left with 3 pair of shorts, shirts,socks, and the $300 in my pocket 1500 miles from home. Lost everything and another son. Been 12 yrs now and I swore no more commitments again. And haven't. Have FWB's and I am happy with that.
Now this girl Jess, I have known Her and her husband for a while now. They have 3 kids. Never thought of Jess as anymore then a friend. Well last Sept. she was shot by her husband. He is still in jail, and she has made a great recovery. Before this they talked to me about taking down there barn. I am in the reclaimed lumber business. So knowing Jess was hurting for money I contacted her about buying her barn. So I bought her barn and I am taking it down. While working there we have had a few talks. He had been abusing her for a long time. And her childhood wasn't much better. I can't stand someone that lays a hand on a women. The only fights I have ever been in is with strangers that seen touching a women in a way they didn't want to be. Turns out Jess and I think alot alike and time flies when we are together. And Then I start having these feeling I have not felt in many years. We went out to dinner then back to her place the other night. Did nothing but sit at the table and talk then I left. We text alot and see knows how I feel. She also said she has feelings for me but not ready for anything serious yet. I finally kissed her yesterday. She let me know how much she liked that. I left flowers on her car at work. I tell her how beautiful she is all the time. The kids like me. But she also texts me this scares her a little. Nobody has ever treated her with such kindness. She doesn't know how to take it or respond to it. And I know she has seen a couple other guys before I came along. Now where my problem is, I think I am falling in love with her. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And I don't want to get to close to her children until I know she is ready for a committed relationship, doesn't have to be a wedding, just a commitment. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to push her either. It is like I am walking this very fine line. I don't know what to do. The kids, the way I feel, I understand she is not ready, but I don't want to lose her. I want to win her heart. Any ideas of what I should do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear Dirk,

You are such a kind man. Your letter touched me very deeply and I truly understand the pain you have felt.

It seems that you have found a wonderful family that could fulfill your empty heart.

Jess may be suffering from great emotional trauma from her ordeal. You didn't say, but she could have flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, want to run from you, may be jumpy and also vigilant. I am just supposing.

If you understand that this is a possibility, then you can handle it better, not take it personally, and ride out the little storms that may erupt inside of her.

She has never been treated so well, but now she will have to get used to it and you will have to be very loving and patient and not allow her to push you away. When she pushes, hold on. She needs assurance and may occasionally test you.

Keep writing the poems, bringing her flowers, and doing those romantic things that she seems to like. Hopefully, you can overcome her fears and her doubts. If you are strong enough (and I believe that you are), you will both finally find the simple happiness that you are both seeking and both deserve.

She may have a lot of baggage from her childhood and from this (and perhaps other) abusive relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't overcome this with love and patience.

You seem to be the man for the job.

I shall definitely keep you in my prayers and have a great deal of admiration for you.

If you need to get back to me, please don't hesitate.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I want to thank you for responding. You have given me that breath of fresh air i needed to keep going. As far as being strong enough, there isn't anything on this earth that could stop me. I haven't felt like this for many many years. Knowing I have you in my corner that I can turn to when I am not sure what to do, is going to be a big plus. I was feeling like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. You have given me new hope that there is if I keep walking. I will consider you as those footprints in the sand walking next to me even though there is nobody there. So I think I am going to wipe off these tears, put on my poker face, head back to the table and go all in. And pray I am holding the best hand. Again I thank you for that breath of fresh air I needed. Have a wonderful day.


 


Dirk

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